Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts

A Christmas Story: How the Grinch Pinched the City of Santa Monica’s Xmas Xbox

Horton Gives a [BLEEP] About Whoville?
Santa Monica, California –

In a special midnight Christmas Eve recall election (many later called a junta), the dully-elected mayor of Santa Monica was deposed and stripped of his office and ‘The Grinch’ installed in his stead. The city council was dissolved as well.

The so-called recall election was coordinated and conducted by the city’s activist atheists who recently succeeded in contributing to the canceling the city’s traditional annual nativity display at a local park.

As his first act as the city’s new mayor, The Grinch signed a proclamation officially changing the city’s name from Santa Monica to ‘Whoville’

“Fellow citizens of Whoville,” said The Grinch in video he posted on YouTube. “I want to assure those among us that celebrate Christmas that under my administration you have nothing to fear. You will remain free to continue to celebrate Christmas. In fact, I want to join you in celebrating it.”

The Grinch then went onto issue instructions to the former citizens of Santa Monica to all bring all their Christmas presents to a designated central processing center.

“They will be redistributed to the less fortunate and needy,” explained The Grinch. “Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m trying to trick you. Well, you’re wrong. I’ve changed.”  

The Grinch then issued his second proclamation that lifted the ban against the display of nativity scenes at the local park that the now dissolved city council previously ordered under pressure by the activist atheists.

“You see,” said The Grinch. “I’m all for Christmas. In fact, I will be revealing my very own personal interpretation of the nativity scene right along side yours at the local park tonight. Won’t you come by and see it? Oh yeah, don’t forget to bring your Christmas presents too.”

That very night at the local park, The Grinch, dressed up in a Santa suit, toured all the formerly ban nativity scenes, shaking hands and kissing babies all along the way. 

Everybody marveled at the miraculous change The Grinch had undergone. 

“He truly must have been touched by the spirit of Christmas,” everybody said.

Finally, The Grinch humbly stood by his nativity scene, which was cloaked. Behind him a pile of unwrapped Christmas presents that he asked everybody to bring, which they did judging by the height the pile reached. 

Children gathered around The Grinch’s nativity scene, trying to take a peek by lifting up the gray cloth that covered it. 

However, The Grinch stood nearby discouraging the children’s’ natural curiosity by stepping on the cloth, shaking his long green finger at them and letting his Pit Bull (who wore reindeer antlers) to lunge at them with snapping jaws. 

After an impromptu singing of ‘Silent Night’ by the crowd, during which The Grinch bowed his head and clasped his hands in front of him, a nondenominational prayer was offered up.

During the nondenominational prayer, while everybody else humbly bowed their heads with their eyes closed, The Grinch now looked up toward the Heavens with arms stretched out as if about to receive grace.

As the nondenominational pastor concluded the nondenominational prayer with an Amen, everybody opened their eyes to only find The Grinch, their nativity scenes and all their Christmas presents were all gone. 

“Goddamn!” said the pastor. “He did it again.”

However, The Grinch did not take everything. For he left behind the giant Christmas tree (stripped bare, of course) and his nativity scene, which he left covered -- though no one took notice at first.

“Look everybody!” said a Whovillain child. “He left his nativity scene behind and still covered, too.”

As the Whovillains gathered around it, the child reached out to remove the cloth covering it. 

As the cloth fell to the side, the Whovillains found themselves staring at a traditional nativity scene except instead of the baby Jesus that would otherwise be in the manger there was an Xbox.

“Wow!” said the child. “It’s an Xbox! Just what I wanted.”

Naturally, the child reached out to grab the toy but as he held it in hand, he noticed the package was too light to contain anything but air. The child shook it in disbelief several more times before opening it, confirming for every one that the Xbox box was indeed empty.  

A great debate ensued among the Whovillains as to the meaning of The Grinch’s nativity scene and the theft of their Christmas.

“Don’t you see,” said a faithful Whovillain. “We don’t need presents to celebrate Christmas. All we need is each other and the spirit of Christmas. That’s what The Grinch was trying to teach us. He wants us to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. You might say it was his Christmas present to us to take away all our Christmas presents.” 

“Yeah,” rebutted another Whovillain. “But didn’t you say we don’t need presents to celebrate Christmas?” 

“So, what’s you’re point?” replied back the other Whovillain.

“Well, if The Grinch’s Christmas present to us is taking away our presents, isn’t that a present?” said a Whovillain.

“And isn’t his having giving us a present a contradiction?” said yet another Whovillain.

“No, no,” said a Whovillain that was an atheist. “The empty Xbox box represents what all religion represents…nothing. Because we’re all that there is. There's nothing out there for us but empty space. Just like the empty space in the box. Or even if the box had an Xbox in it, it would still be an illusion. For what is the Xbox but a world of pretend. A world filled only with illusions."

“[BLEEP] this shit,” said another Whovillain. “I spent big bucks on my kid’s present. I even had to use pepper spray on a crowd of Christmas shoppers in a department store to save myself from being trampled to death.”

“Let’s find the son of a bitch and string him up on a pine tree like a [BLEEP] Christmas ornament,” said the pastor.

Whovillains formed search parties, scouring the city for The Grinch. Very soon, they found him hiding on the prier in the solar powered Ferris wheel along with all their Christmas presents as well. 

As the mob closed in on The Grinch, he begged them for forgiveness. But it was too late.

From atop the tallest Christmas tree, the lifeless body of TheGrinch looked down upon Whoville, as they sang and opened their presents. 

With his head, arms and legs stretched out, nailed to some boards in the shape of the letter X, The Grinch hung on the giant tree just like a Christmas ornament.

Hurriedly the hands of the children of Whoville opened all the Christmas presents all at once, many of whose hands were still stained with the green blood of The Grinch. 

All of a sudden, arguments began to breakout among the Whovillains as to whose Christmas present belonged to whom, as The Grinch had removed all the ‘From’ and ‘To’ who tags. 

Suddenly, someone in the crowd pulled out a can of pepper spray and a riot broke out. Cars were overturned and set ablaze. It was Whovillain against Whovillain.  

Oddly enough, though there was not a drop of blood left in him -- not even enough for a mouse -- The Grinch looked down upon the disgrace of Whoville with a devilish grimace on his stiff dead face.  

The End

Copyright © 2008-2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Atheists Sue City of Santa Monica; Demand Secular Name Change

Marry Christmas? Okay, How About Season’s Greetings?
Santa Monica, California –

Fresh from their battle to destroy Christmas by causing the city council of Santa Monica to cancel the annual nativity scene at a local park, the same group of atheists have now set their targeting sights on changing the city’s religious name.

“To tell you the truth,” said a Santa Monica atheist. “I always felt like a hypocrite for protesting against Christmas displays in a city named after a Catholic deity.”

During a special meeting, atheists rejected the city council’s spineless compromise of renaming the city ‘The People’s Republic of Santa Monica’, calling it a contradiction in terms.

“It’s an oxymoron,” said an atheist. “Besides, it implies all atheists are Communists. How about ‘Little Leningrad’?”

“How about changing it to ‘Whoville’?” said a God fearing resident of Santa Monica. “After all, we already have the Grinch living among us.” 

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Jesus Christ’s Rate of Ascension into Heaven Estimated by JPL Rocket Scientist

Pasadena, California –

Rocket scientist, Alfred E. Neuman, has been suspended from his position at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) pending a personnel department hearing for having calculated the rate of ascension of Jesus Christ into Heaven on company time and using company equipment.

“If he would have used a slide rule or pocket calculator on his lunch break that would be different,” said a spokesman for JPL, denying Mr. Neuman  was being singled out for his faith. “Instead, he programmed a campus supercomputer to do complex non-scientific related calculations, while on the clock.”

Factoring in all the variables such as the height and weight of Jesus (as a solid not an ectoplasm manifestation), his robe, sandals and compensating for atmospheric conditions of 2,000 years ago, the supercomputer came up with a familiar number: 17 miles per second, which is the acceleration rate a rocket must achieve to escape earth’s gravity.

Neuman has hired a lawyer to represent him in the disciplinary proceedings he faces from his employer, which he considers religious persecution and a test of his faith.

“There’s room for faith in the scientific mind,” said Neuman.

However, Neuman has drawn criticism rather than support from the religious as well as the scientific community. Both for his unauthorized undertaking of calculating the rate of ascension of Jesus into Heaven and for the errors in his data point entries.

“According to the Gospel,” said Father Juan Gomez. “Jesus didn’t have a running start, taking a leap of faith into the air like some Superman character as Mr. Neuman assumed.”

Father Gomez also questions anyone’s faith that has to be confirmed by a slide rule or supercomputer.

“Without the inertia generated by Jesus running and jumping, acting as additional propulsion,” said a JPL colleague of Neuman. “It is doubtful the Son of God ascended to Heaven as calculated.”

More likely Jesus made it to a low stationary earth orbit instead.

“Yeah,” Neuman replied. “But technically he’s still circling up there somewhere above our heads, right?”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Talk Radio Gives ‘John The Baptist Show’ the Axe

Los Angeles, California –

Citing low ratings, Talk Radio KFI 640 AM management gave its latest religious themed show the axe, pulling the plug during the first half-hour of its premiere episode.

“We had hoped the show could ride on the coattails of our very popular ‘The Jesus Show’,” read a press release by the station’s management. “Apparently, we were wrong.”

Believing ratings would be served up to them on a silver platter, station programmers scheduled the ‘John The Baptist Show’ immediately following ‘The Jesus Show’.

“All marketing demographics indicated the show should have been a success,” said a radio critic.

However, according to a KFI insider, the show was doomed from the start.

“Jesus didn’t want the John show on the air to begin with,” said an assistant producer who asked not to be identified. “He thought it would cut into his market share of followers.”

So Jesus sabotaged the ‘John The Baptist Show’ by meddling with its scheduling.

Critics confirmed scheduling is what did in the show, arguing that debuting the show on Palm Sunday and on April Fools’ Day was just too much of a handicap for the show to overcome.

“You might say it was like taking a 9mm double tap to the back of the head,” said one critic.

Listeners called into the ‘John The Baptist Show’ saying that they were confused.

“I didn’t know if the ‘John The Baptist Show’ was real like ‘The Jesus Show’. Or just another April Fools’ Day prank,” said a caller.

Jesus of ‘The Jesus Show’ refused to comment on the cancellation of the ‘John The Baptist Show’ except for releasing the following written statement:

“You shall bruise him in the head. And he shall bruise you in the heel.” -- Genesis 3:15

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Monday Quarterbacking: How Tim Tebow Lost the Season to the New England Patriots

Denver, Colorado –

According to Tim Tebow’s teammates, he seemed to be caught in some kind of rapture.

“He seemed distracted, talking to himself the entire game,” said a Denver Bronco teammate.

“He kept throwing the ball to somebody that just wasn’t there,” said another Tebow teammate. “Or to somebody that only he could see.”

It was the first down of the first quarter of the NFL divisional playoff football game against the New England Patriots. The Scoreboard read 0-0. The din of the football stadium filled to full capacity howled like a typhoon.

All of a sudden the roar of the crowd was silenced. Even his teammates that were gathered in a huddle seemed to fade away.

“Tim,” said the disembodied voice as a shaft of light beamed down from the heavens above onto the football field below. Illuminating Tebow’s face, filling it up with grace. “Why don’t you throw a few passes to me?”

“You, my Lord?” said an astonished Tebow. “You want me to throw a few passes to you?”

“Sure, why not?” said Jesus, appearing in the flesh wearing a long white robe and sandals. “I have faith in you my son. No matter what the critics say about your record. You’re still numero uno in my book. And my book is the one that counts. The Book of Life.”

“No, that’s not it,” said Tebow, seeming to hesitate a moment.

“What is it then?” replied Jesus attempting to look causal, as he tossed about the football in his hands dropping a few times.

“Well,” said Tebow as he knelt down on one knee. “Please, forgive me my Lord.”

“Yes,” said Jesus as he began doing stretches and reaching for his toes to warm up for the play. “What is it my child?”

“Um,” Tebow stalled. “You’re not wearing the right equipment?”

Jesus suddenly stopped warming up. He walked over and touching Tebow’s face, he sensed what was wrong.

“I see,” said Jesus as he turned away. “Ye of little faith. You don’t believe in me.”

“No, no,” said Tebow crawling after Jesus, while still on his knee. “I do believe in you…I just don’t think…I just don’t think you’re cut out for football.”

“Oh you mean I’m good enough to pay for your sins with my life,” said Jesus, wielding his arms wildly in the air. “Granting you everlasting life, I might add. But I’m not good enough to catch a couple of passes, is that it?”

Tebow began to weep.

Suddenly, Jesus reached out his hand to Tebow and grabbing him by the chin slowly lifted up his head.

“Come on,” said Jesus. “Have a little faith in me.”

Tebow nodded in agreement to throw a few passes to the Lord of Lords and King of Kings.

With the New England Patriots in the lead 45-10 and just a few seconds on the clock…

“Okay, Jesus,” said Tebow to the Lord in the huddle. “You go long again.”

“Another ‘Hail Mary’, Tebow?” asked the Lord.

“Do we have a choice?” replied Tebow.

“No, it’s just that my mom might be a little busy, making other more important prayers come true,” said Jesus to his fellow angry looking Denver Bronco teammates.

The Lord paused a moment under the uncomfortable stares and then said, “Right.”

“Break!” said Tebow as the players took up their positions.

As the defensive line folded, Tebow sprung back his arm and made the final throw.

“I got it this time…” Jesus said as he reached out for the football, just out beyond the grasp of his fingertips. “I got it this time…I don’t got it this time. Me damn it!”

“And so said the Lord as the football slipped passed him yet again.” (Tim Tebow 3:16)

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.