Showing posts with label global warming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label global warming. Show all posts

In Last-Ditch Effort to Deny Climate Change, U.S. Finally Agrees to Switch Over to the Metric System




Copyright © 2022 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Happy Earth Day!


Copyright © 2022 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Smart Car Strikes Pedestrian; Driver Dies

Thanks to the Smart Car, joggers are finally evening up the score.
By Robert W. Armijo

Investigators are buffaloed by a fatal automobile accident involving the economical Smart Car and a pedestrian. 

Photographs taken of the Smart Car at the scene of the accident show extensive body damage to the tiny vehicle and none to the pedestrian.

“I just don’t get it,” said Denial Johnson, the pedestrian and avid jogger hit by the Smart Car. “I didn’t even get a scratch.”

Mr. Johnson was examined by medical personnel at the scene and released.

Although the accident is still under investigation, police have ruled out the possibility that the driver was already dead when he collided with the pedestrian.

“Apparently he was texting at time of the fetal impact,” said police. 

From the smoldering wreckage of the Smart Car, police recovered a smart phone.

“The deceased was still holding it his hand,” said police.

According to police, the decease’s last text read: "Gotta go now. Have to beat a jogger to the crosswalk."

The Smart Car has recently enjoyed some popularity in the wake of climate change. 

“Especially among consciously minded consumers interested in reducing their carbon footprint,” said Paul Waxman, a Smart Car dealer. 

Mr. Waxman quickly conceded, however, that outside the consciously minded consumers that the core of his Smart Car clientele is still golfers and circus clowns. 

Photo courtesy of

Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Gov. Chris Christie on SNL: What? Too Soon?

Who Knew Gov. Christie Was a Care Bear?
New York, New York --

“For all of those in the disaster zone that are lucky enough to still have electricity…” said Governor Chris Christie, during an appearance on Saturday Night Live (SNL). “Live from New York, it's Saturday night!” 

No one laughed. It was completely silent except for the sound of a single cough coming from somewhere in the studio audience.

“What?” quipped Gov. Christie. “Too soon?”

Again, silence. And the single cough.

“Wow,” said Gov. Christie as beads of perspiration gathered on his forehead. “Tough crowd.”

Gov. Christie looked over to Lorne Michaels, the comedy TV show’s creator and executive producer, for moral support. 

Lorne gave the governor the okay hand sign. Saying to him, “Don’t worry about it. We’ll add a laugh track to it later.”

Gov. Christie continued. 

“I see we have a full house tonight,” said Gov. Christie obviously reading from a teleprompter. “What? Is it raining outside?” 

Gov. Christie looked up from the teleprompter with a smile on his face. 

“Hey that’s kinda funny,” he said. “Get it? Raining outside? You know because of hurricane Sandy and all?”

Again, Gov. Christie’s monologue was greeted with silence broken only by the coughing audience member.

“Maybe we should’ve added the word: again? You know like is it raining outside…again?” said Gov. Christie looking over to Lorne. But he just shrugged his shoulders in response. 

The person in the audience continued to cough but now louder.

“Who keeps coughing out there,” asked the governor as stepped off the stage and into the studio audience. “Come on now. Stand up.” 

A woman hesitantly stood up. She wore a T-shirt that read: I ♥ Staten Island.  

Gov. Christie walked up to he woman and gave her a hug, telling her: “You know. You should get that looked at. With all the mildew and mold in the disaster area, you could get really sick.”

Slowly, one by one, members of the studio audience began to clap their hands, coming to a standing ovation for the governor. 

With his arms raised in the air, Gov. Christie returned to the stage to continue his monologue like a champion boxer after nearly receiving the full count.

“Oh, here’s one I know you’ll like,” said Gov. Christie now reading from his hand. “What did the palm tree say to the other one when they saw hurricane Sandy coming their way? Better to hold on to your coconuts. Looks like we’re in for quite a blow job.”

With that, the audience busted into laughter except for the woman with the nasty cough. She just continued to cough. 

Among the din of laughter Gov. Christie looked out to her and lipped: “Are you alright? Or do you need another hug?”

While still coughing, the woman shook her head no and gave the governor the thumbs up sign indicating she was okay.   

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

JFK’s Secret Baby Boomer Tapes: Well, ah, the Cuban Missile Crisis Didn’t Turnout Like We’d Hoped…Maybe, ah, This Gig in Vietnam Will Do the Trick?

The following is a transcript taken from a reel-to-reel magnetic tape recording of a series of White House conversations made by President John F. Kennedy (JFK) between himself and his Secretary of Defense, McNamara, Robert Strange -- Also known as "Dr. Strangelove" from the 1964 movie: Dr. Strangelove; or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb by Stanley Kubrick.

It was acquired by at a yard sale from a former Vanity Fair photographer for a dollar. How it came into his possession is unknown.

Be advised, although the transcription of the secret JFK is believed to be authentic, the tapes themselves appear questionable and therefore by no means does stand by its story.

Be advised, reading the following transcript may forever change your perception of the Kennedy Camelot legend.

JFK: John F. Kennedy, President

RSM: Robert "Dr. Strangelove" McNamara, Secretary of Defense

Transcript Begins:

JFK: Though we pushed our scientists to the limit – even resorting to kidnapping their daughters – yet The Pill was invented too late to prevent the so-called baby boom, McNamara.

RSM: Baby Boom? More like population bomb, if you ask me.

JFK: Also, we all know the Supreme Court is still so conservative, it’s at least a decade away from legalizing abortion. So there you have it in a nutshell, McNamara: Too many mouths to feed and not enough food, clothes or little red schoolhouses to school them. Not to mention how we’re going to pay their social security checks when they retire? We just have to find a way to thin the herd.

RSM: What about Cuba?

JFK: No, McNamara. We already tired that remember? And geez what a disaster. I still don’t think that spin you put out on me not knowing about it worked. There are still a lot of people that think I had something to do with it. For God sakes, Robert, my own wife thinks I had something to do with it. Thank God she doesn’t suspect anything is going on between Marilyn and me. Thank God for little brothers that are willing to take the fall.

RSM: I mean something bigger than the mere invasion of the Bay of Pigs, Mr. President.

JFK: What?! Goddamn it, McNamara! If you got a plan for God sakes, stop jerking me around and spit it out.

RSM: Very well, Mr. President. How about making some doctored up high altitude photographs of Russian missile bases on Cuban soil and then presenting them to a special meeting of the General Assembly of the UN?

JFK: Nah, it won’t work. We’ll never get it passed the mainstream media and the American people are too smart to fall for such a trick…Unless you present it as weapons of mass destruction [WMD’s] sitting right on our back doorstep. Is that what you mean, McNamara?

RSM: That’s right, Mr. President. Only land based nuclear missiles that could be launched from Cuba -- or perhaps sea based nuclear missiles launched from a submarine offshore somewhere -- could reach the continental U.S., destroying us all in a matter of --

JFK: Destroying us all in a matter of seconds, as opposed to minutes. Is that right, McNamara? Is that what you were going to say?

RSM: Yes, Mr. President.

JFK: Well, I won’t tolerate it. And the American people shouldn’t have to tolerate it, either. It’s every American’s God given right to the pursuit of happiness. And to do that, he needs time. And seconds is not enough time to do that much pursuing. Which reminds me: Have my baby brother, Bobby, send some flowers from me to Marilyn. And make sure he uses his name this time.

RSM: So, Mr. President, we proceed with project code name: Cuban Missile Crisis?

JFK: Proceed away, McNamara. Proceed away…Oh, and let my wife and kids into the Oval Office on your way out and tell that fella from Vanity Fair that I’m ready for my family portrait photo shoot now.

Back on the Record…Thirteen Days Later.

JFK: Well, ah, the Cuban Missile Crisis didn’t turnout like we’d hoped…Maybe, ah, this gig in Vietnam will do the trick?

RSM: We better get working on that Trojan Horse ‘Man on the Moon’ job right of way.

JFK: Yeah, I agree. We’re, ah, gonna need a backup plan. Just in case this, ah, Mao Zedong guy pulls a Khrushchev on us. What’s going on now days? I can remember a time when you could count on bad guys to do the wrong thing. Look at Hitler and Mussolini. Now there’s a couple of bad guys that knew not what to do. And you could count on them to do it, every time. But Khrushchev, I couldn’t even get him to play a little hardball with me without him caving in right away. Our missiles were hot, baby. I mean really hot; as in ready to go all the way to the Kremlin, baby…Somebody get my baby brother, Bobby, on the phone and see if he sent those flowers yet.

RSM: What do you think happened to Premier Khrushchev, Mr. President?

JFK: My guess is that he got cold feet.

RSM: That’s bound to happen in a Cold War, Mr. President.

JFK: Yeah, but what bothers me is that I warned him to keep his shoes on at the UN. We have air-conditioning in American, you know. But he just didn’t listen. The man thought he was a Goddamn polar bear.

RSM: They’re dying, you know?

JFK: What?

RSM: The polar bears are dying. All due to global warming, Mr. President.

JFK: Well I’ll damned. Maybe that’s the trick. Right under our noses all this time.

RSM: What, Mr. President?

JFK: Global warming! Why not let that kill off the Baby Boomers?

RSM: The Baby...what, sir?

JFK: The Baby Boomers. That’s what I call them.

RSM: So we don’t start a war in Vietnam. Or start shipping the ‘Baby Boomers’ to the moon, Mr. President?

JFK: No, no. We still do all that. But also let’s bury this report on global warming so deep that by the time anybody finds it, the public – especially those pesky Baby Boomers -- will be too apathetic to demand that industry and their government do anything about it.

RSM: Okay, Mr. President. But where do we bury it?

JFK: I got it! How about the moon!?

RSM: It might take a little time, Mr. President. But it just so happens that I have a contact at NASA. Consider the report on global warming as good as lost. Encased in a black non-descriptive monolith, buried somewhere on the surface of the moon.

JFK: Buried somewhere on the surface of the moon. The moon! The Moon!! THE MOON!!!

Years Later…

Jim Lovell (Apollo 13): Houston, we have a problem.

Transcript Ends???

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #1

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused global warming.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #2

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused climate change.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #3

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused extreme weather.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #4

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused __.

A) Global Warming.

B) Climate Change.

C) Extreme Weather.

D) [Insert YOUR Politically Incorrect Catastrophic Planetary Consequence Here]:______________.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

California Tree Huggers Lured Out of Treetops by Promise of Private Screening of ‘Avatar’

"If I would have known I’d end up on a T-shirt,
I would have spent more time planning

my estate than revolutions."®
Arcadia, California --

Faced with a public relation nightmare of having to forcibly dislodge environmental protestors perched treetop in a 100 year-old grove of trees slated for demolition to help clear a nearby catch basin for a dam at the foot of the San Gabriel mountains, police decided to take a different tact. And fight fire with fire instead.

“Our intelligence division informed us that we were dealing with a group of idealistic nonviolent individuals whose civil disobedience and call to action was inspired by the movie ‘Avatar,” said police. “So we thought, ‘Why not use that against them?”

Undercover of dark, police quickly proceeded to setup an outdoor theater at the end of the arroyo complete with a giant plasma TV screen, surround-a-sound vibrating chairs, 3-D glasses, snack bar and a cardboard cutout of ‘Avatar’ director, James Cameron, standing on a red carpet behind a velvet rope entrance taking tickets.

“A similar technique is used in the plains of Africa to lure younger Baboons from their troop to get them to lead tribesman to water in the area,” police explained.

One by one the treetop protesters voluntarily left their perches to get a closer look at what was going on at the end of the arroyo.

Peeking through the grove of trees they vowed never to leave and defend with their lives, the second they saw ‘Avatar’ was playing, the protestors ran pass the James Cameron cutout and took up their seats in the makeshift outdoor theater.

“Yeah, but not before stopping off at the snack bar to pickup an armful of junk food,” said police.

Ironically, most of the protestors were fast asleep before the movie’s opening credits rolled on screen. No doubt physically exhausted by their ordeal.

“Or more likely overtaken by a sugar rush they got by eating all the junk food they pigged out on,” said police.

In the predawn hours, early next morning, police were carrying off the protestors, all still asleep in their arms, to a police van waiting to be driven off to a nearby police station for their processing.

“Later, when they wake up, we’ll book them for trespassing,” said police, as they hung a ‘PLEASE, DO NOT DISTURB’ sign (made out 100% recycled paper) on the backdoor of the police van before driving away.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Winter Blizzard 2010: ‘Vapoorized’ Glaciers?

Washington, D.C. --

In a desperate attempt to reconstitute themselves after melting away and hanging around up in the atmosphere like so much accumulated moisture, glaciers made a successful reappearance back on the surface of the earth. Choosing perhaps the east coast of the United States and Washington, D.C. in particular to make a political statement to the nation in the form of record snowfall this year, giving climate change deniers, and the science impaired just enough rope to hang themselves.

“I wondered where they went,” said Alberto Santiago, Professor of Climatology at the Cassandra Institute of Foresight who has been unsuccessfully tracking the glaciers ever since they began to melt due to climate change. “I mean it’s not like they were giant pieces of dog poo. And God himself took out a giant can of ‘Vapoorize’ like in that movie ‘envy’ and sprayed it on them until they disappeared into thin air. I mean like the dog poo in that movie, it has to go somewhere, right?”

Professor Santiago finally caught up with the elusive ‘evapoorated’ ice packs in Washington, D.C. as he took ice core samples, attempting to verify the origin of the record snowfall. And even, in some cases, the identity of the former glacier itself.

Professor Santiago made his heroic stand as he braved the elements in the noble quest, or perhaps obsession, of his profession: the pursuit of truth. Burrowing in subzero temperatures in near zero visibility conditions, however, straight through the roof of somebody’s snow-covered car, mistaking it for a snowdrift.

“This ice right here is not from any glacier. I can tell you that,” said Professor Santiago, sniffing the core sample, which was covered with human and pet hair, car fluids, carpet fibers, candy wrappers, chewed up bubblegum, cigarette butts and pieces of colored plastic and broken glass.

“See! What did I tell you I folks,” yelled out conservative radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh from the backseat of a passing custom-built black Hummer limousine with a plow attached to the front. “Global Warming is a hoax!”

“It’s not from a glacier at all,” explained Professor Santiago as he extended his tongue tasting the frozen water, getting it stuck on the ice core sample. “Ethit’s fram an iceberr!”

One that Professor Santiago had been tracking off the Falkland Islands last summer but lost sight of when briefly he went below decks of the research vessel to use the restroom.

“And when I returned a few minutes later, it was gone,” said Professor Santiago, rubbing his belly. “I never should have had those Penguin tacos.”

Carefully Professor Santiago packed up his core samples he took into plastic baggies, packing them away into an ice chest marked: “More Iceberg Samples 2005 – To Present.”

“Well,” said a determined Professor Santiago as he checked the last of his bags at the airline ticket counter. “I’m off again.”

Professor Santiago received a phone call via satellite the night before, informing him of suspicious looking floodwaters in the United Kingdom.

“That could be one of my missing glaciers,” said Professor Santiago, clutching his stomach. “Oh, I don’t think I should have tasted that ice core sample. Oh well, at least I have English cuisine to look forward to.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo