Showing posts with label climate change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label climate change. Show all posts

In Last-Ditch Effort to Deny Climate Change, U.S. Finally Agrees to Switch Over to the Metric System




Copyright © 2022 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Happy Earth Day!


Copyright © 2022 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Smart Car Strikes Pedestrian; Driver Dies

Thanks to the Smart Car, joggers are finally evening up the score.
By Robert W. Armijo

Investigators are buffaloed by a fatal automobile accident involving the economical Smart Car and a pedestrian. 

Photographs taken of the Smart Car at the scene of the accident show extensive body damage to the tiny vehicle and none to the pedestrian.

“I just don’t get it,” said Denial Johnson, the pedestrian and avid jogger hit by the Smart Car. “I didn’t even get a scratch.”

Mr. Johnson was examined by medical personnel at the scene and released.

Although the accident is still under investigation, police have ruled out the possibility that the driver was already dead when he collided with the pedestrian.

“Apparently he was texting at time of the fetal impact,” said police. 

From the smoldering wreckage of the Smart Car, police recovered a smart phone.

“The deceased was still holding it his hand,” said police.

According to police, the decease’s last text read: "Gotta go now. Have to beat a jogger to the crosswalk."

The Smart Car has recently enjoyed some popularity in the wake of climate change. 

“Especially among consciously minded consumers interested in reducing their carbon footprint,” said Paul Waxman, a Smart Car dealer. 

Mr. Waxman quickly conceded, however, that outside the consciously minded consumers that the core of his Smart Car clientele is still golfers and circus clowns. 

Photo courtesy of

Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Gov. Chris Christie on SNL: What? Too Soon?

Who Knew Gov. Christie Was a Care Bear?
New York, New York --

“For all of those in the disaster zone that are lucky enough to still have electricity…” said Governor Chris Christie, during an appearance on Saturday Night Live (SNL). “Live from New York, it's Saturday night!” 

No one laughed. It was completely silent except for the sound of a single cough coming from somewhere in the studio audience.

“What?” quipped Gov. Christie. “Too soon?”

Again, silence. And the single cough.

“Wow,” said Gov. Christie as beads of perspiration gathered on his forehead. “Tough crowd.”

Gov. Christie looked over to Lorne Michaels, the comedy TV show’s creator and executive producer, for moral support. 

Lorne gave the governor the okay hand sign. Saying to him, “Don’t worry about it. We’ll add a laugh track to it later.”

Gov. Christie continued. 

“I see we have a full house tonight,” said Gov. Christie obviously reading from a teleprompter. “What? Is it raining outside?” 

Gov. Christie looked up from the teleprompter with a smile on his face. 

“Hey that’s kinda funny,” he said. “Get it? Raining outside? You know because of hurricane Sandy and all?”

Again, Gov. Christie’s monologue was greeted with silence broken only by the coughing audience member.

“Maybe we should’ve added the word: again? You know like is it raining outside…again?” said Gov. Christie looking over to Lorne. But he just shrugged his shoulders in response. 

The person in the audience continued to cough but now louder.

“Who keeps coughing out there,” asked the governor as stepped off the stage and into the studio audience. “Come on now. Stand up.” 

A woman hesitantly stood up. She wore a T-shirt that read: I ♥ Staten Island.  

Gov. Christie walked up to he woman and gave her a hug, telling her: “You know. You should get that looked at. With all the mildew and mold in the disaster area, you could get really sick.”

Slowly, one by one, members of the studio audience began to clap their hands, coming to a standing ovation for the governor. 

With his arms raised in the air, Gov. Christie returned to the stage to continue his monologue like a champion boxer after nearly receiving the full count.

“Oh, here’s one I know you’ll like,” said Gov. Christie now reading from his hand. “What did the palm tree say to the other one when they saw hurricane Sandy coming their way? Better to hold on to your coconuts. Looks like we’re in for quite a blow job.”

With that, the audience busted into laughter except for the woman with the nasty cough. She just continued to cough. 

Among the din of laughter Gov. Christie looked out to her and lipped: “Are you alright? Or do you need another hug?”

While still coughing, the woman shook her head no and gave the governor the thumbs up sign indicating she was okay.   

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #1

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused global warming.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #2

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused climate change.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #3

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused extreme weather.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #4

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused __.

A) Global Warming.

B) Climate Change.

C) Extreme Weather.

D) [Insert YOUR Politically Incorrect Catastrophic Planetary Consequence Here]:______________.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Squirrel’s Nut from Ice Age Thawed by Scientists

Moscow, Russia –

Like a scene out of some fantastic Hollywood computer generated animated movie series, a 30,000-year-old seed (nut) was finally pried free from the clutches of a frozen prehistoric squirrel, which was found buried in the permafrost of the Siberian tundra.

Russian scientists initially attempted to extract the seed from the grip of the frozen prehistoric squirrel it was attached to but they were unsuccessful.

“So rather than risk damage to seed, we transported it still attached to prehistoric squirrel back to laboratory in Moscow,” said Dr. Valdimir Boris, one of the botanists credited for the discovery at a press conference.

Scientist believe that during the thawing out process a teardrop from the prehistoric squirrel is what awoken the seed from its 30,000-year-old slumber.

“More seed grew, more prehistoric squirrel cried,” said Dr. Vyksa Natasha, one of Dr. Boris’ lab assistants.

“We didn’t really believe it was teardrop,” said Dr. Boris.

That was until someone in the lab hooked up a series of electrodes as a joke but which were able to pick up faint brain waves and a pulse.

Lab assistants then moved the prehistoric squirrel closer to the seed to further observe any affect the plant and animal had on each other.

Scientists hypothesize that a symbiotic relationship must have existed between the seed and the prehistoric squirrel somewhere in the distant past. Unsure, however, whether that relationship existed between the plant and animal species as a whole or just individually between this flower and this prehistoric squirrel.

Remarkably, the seed blossomed in a matter of hours rather than days, leading scientists to conclude ancient flowers had an even more accelerated life cycle in the past, costing much more money than they do today.

However, as the ancient flower came into full bloom, the prehistoric squirrel flat lined.

“It was if prehistoric squirrel was waiting for flower to come to life before letting go of his,” said Dr. Natasha.

The next day when the scientists returned to the lab, all they found was a puddle of water were the prehistoric squirrel once was and a wilted flower.

“We hypothesize that since there were no 30,000-year-old insects present in the lab at the time to pollinate flower,” said Dr. Boris. “That flower was pollinated by pollen already present in prehistoric squirrel’s teardrop – I mean – water that fell from eye of prehistoric squirrel.”

Near the puddle of water, the outer skin of a seed husk, indicating the flower successfully reproduced itself, passing on life to another generation.

“It appears that sometime during night accelerated growth period of flower came to its fruition, completing life cycle,” said Dr. Natasha.

“Unfortunately, both seed and prehistoric squirrel are missing now thus making our research and findings incomplete and inconclusive,” said Dr. Boris.

As Dr. Boris walked away from the podium, he paused in his steps a moment. And then turned back to the microphone.

“There is something else,” said Dr. Boris. “Something very peculiar. Nothing that would withstand scientific scrutiny, mind you. But something peculiar nevertheless. Something our laboratory cameras picked up.”

Dr. Boris pauses again.

“I wasn’t going to show this,” said Dr. Boris as he turns to Dr. Natasha. She nods in agreement. “But I think you should see it and draw your own conclusions.”

With that announcement, Dr. Natasha slowly dims the lights in the room as a projection screen is lowered.

On the screen, the digitally captured time lapsed image of the ancient flower slowly dying, bending over from both the weight of the seed it was bearing on its stem and its weakened condition as it reached the conclusion of its life cycle.

“As you can see here,” said Dr. Boris, pausing the image.

Caught in the freeze frame, a ghostly figure flashes before the camera for just an instant.

“Whatever it was,” continued Dr. Boris. “It took seed with it.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

California Tree Huggers Lured Out of Treetops by Promise of Private Screening of ‘Avatar’

"If I would have known I’d end up on a T-shirt,
I would have spent more time planning

my estate than revolutions."®
Arcadia, California --

Faced with a public relation nightmare of having to forcibly dislodge environmental protestors perched treetop in a 100 year-old grove of trees slated for demolition to help clear a nearby catch basin for a dam at the foot of the San Gabriel mountains, police decided to take a different tact. And fight fire with fire instead.

“Our intelligence division informed us that we were dealing with a group of idealistic nonviolent individuals whose civil disobedience and call to action was inspired by the movie ‘Avatar,” said police. “So we thought, ‘Why not use that against them?”

Undercover of dark, police quickly proceeded to setup an outdoor theater at the end of the arroyo complete with a giant plasma TV screen, surround-a-sound vibrating chairs, 3-D glasses, snack bar and a cardboard cutout of ‘Avatar’ director, James Cameron, standing on a red carpet behind a velvet rope entrance taking tickets.

“A similar technique is used in the plains of Africa to lure younger Baboons from their troop to get them to lead tribesman to water in the area,” police explained.

One by one the treetop protesters voluntarily left their perches to get a closer look at what was going on at the end of the arroyo.

Peeking through the grove of trees they vowed never to leave and defend with their lives, the second they saw ‘Avatar’ was playing, the protestors ran pass the James Cameron cutout and took up their seats in the makeshift outdoor theater.

“Yeah, but not before stopping off at the snack bar to pickup an armful of junk food,” said police.

Ironically, most of the protestors were fast asleep before the movie’s opening credits rolled on screen. No doubt physically exhausted by their ordeal.

“Or more likely overtaken by a sugar rush they got by eating all the junk food they pigged out on,” said police.

In the predawn hours, early next morning, police were carrying off the protestors, all still asleep in their arms, to a police van waiting to be driven off to a nearby police station for their processing.

“Later, when they wake up, we’ll book them for trespassing,” said police, as they hung a ‘PLEASE, DO NOT DISTURB’ sign (made out 100% recycled paper) on the backdoor of the police van before driving away.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Winter Blizzard 2010: ‘Vapoorized’ Glaciers?

Washington, D.C. --

In a desperate attempt to reconstitute themselves after melting away and hanging around up in the atmosphere like so much accumulated moisture, glaciers made a successful reappearance back on the surface of the earth. Choosing perhaps the east coast of the United States and Washington, D.C. in particular to make a political statement to the nation in the form of record snowfall this year, giving climate change deniers, and the science impaired just enough rope to hang themselves.

“I wondered where they went,” said Alberto Santiago, Professor of Climatology at the Cassandra Institute of Foresight who has been unsuccessfully tracking the glaciers ever since they began to melt due to climate change. “I mean it’s not like they were giant pieces of dog poo. And God himself took out a giant can of ‘Vapoorize’ like in that movie ‘envy’ and sprayed it on them until they disappeared into thin air. I mean like the dog poo in that movie, it has to go somewhere, right?”

Professor Santiago finally caught up with the elusive ‘evapoorated’ ice packs in Washington, D.C. as he took ice core samples, attempting to verify the origin of the record snowfall. And even, in some cases, the identity of the former glacier itself.

Professor Santiago made his heroic stand as he braved the elements in the noble quest, or perhaps obsession, of his profession: the pursuit of truth. Burrowing in subzero temperatures in near zero visibility conditions, however, straight through the roof of somebody’s snow-covered car, mistaking it for a snowdrift.

“This ice right here is not from any glacier. I can tell you that,” said Professor Santiago, sniffing the core sample, which was covered with human and pet hair, car fluids, carpet fibers, candy wrappers, chewed up bubblegum, cigarette butts and pieces of colored plastic and broken glass.

“See! What did I tell you I folks,” yelled out conservative radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh from the backseat of a passing custom-built black Hummer limousine with a plow attached to the front. “Global Warming is a hoax!”

“It’s not from a glacier at all,” explained Professor Santiago as he extended his tongue tasting the frozen water, getting it stuck on the ice core sample. “Ethit’s fram an iceberr!”

One that Professor Santiago had been tracking off the Falkland Islands last summer but lost sight of when briefly he went below decks of the research vessel to use the restroom.

“And when I returned a few minutes later, it was gone,” said Professor Santiago, rubbing his belly. “I never should have had those Penguin tacos.”

Carefully Professor Santiago packed up his core samples he took into plastic baggies, packing them away into an ice chest marked: “More Iceberg Samples 2005 – To Present.”

“Well,” said a determined Professor Santiago as he checked the last of his bags at the airline ticket counter. “I’m off again.”

Professor Santiago received a phone call via satellite the night before, informing him of suspicious looking floodwaters in the United Kingdom.

“That could be one of my missing glaciers,” said Professor Santiago, clutching his stomach. “Oh, I don’t think I should have tasted that ice core sample. Oh well, at least I have English cuisine to look forward to.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo