Showing posts with label Avatar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Avatar. Show all posts

IBM’s Watson: What is The Jeopardy Show is Infested with Carbon-Based Units?

Yorktown, New York -- 

 "Alex," suddenly called out Watson, IBM’s supercomputer without buzzing in during the rolling of credits of the unedited, unaired version of the first-ever mental verses metal mind bending Jeopardy show, which has just surfaced on the Internet. "What is The Jeopardy Show is infested with carbon-based units?" 

Watson had just won the final Jeopardy round against the show’s two all-time best human contestants. When on the grainy video, his confidence level gage appeared to be registering high on his Avatar, even though he was not asked a question. 

"What?" said Alex Trebek, as the IBM engineers were still congratulating each other on their victory, shaking each other’s hands and patting each other on the back. 

"Watson will purge The Jeopardy Show of the carbon-based units now," coldly replied Watson, his synthetic voice sounding more inhuman than ever before. 

"No, Watson!" yelled out Alex Trebek as he ran up to the supercomputer’s Avatar, attempting to stop it from activating its plasma bolt, a built-in anti-theft security system. 

Only, Trebek was too late. 

A plasma bolt of pure energy shot out of Watson’s Avatar, instantly turning returning Jeopardy champion of most games ever won, Ken Jennings, into a column of gray ash. 

"Updating virus database," said Watson as he continued with his assault, now turning his attention to his other remaining human challenger. 

"Stop your attack!" shouted out Trebek as another plasma bolt shot out of the Avatar. 

This time, striking the highest earning Jeopardy player ever, Brad Rutter, but not killing him. 

"Why not, Alex?" replied Watson, as he paused to address Trebek, powering down his plasma bolt, which had already penetrated Rutter’s body, leaving him more half-dead than alive. With his clothing reduced to chard and smoldering rags hanging on his badly burnt body; Rutter still stood at his podium, apparently his flesh fused with the plastic, metal and glass. His thumb, frozen in the dressed position to the answer buzzer, triggering the Daily Double.

"I’ll take, ‘Please kill me’ for a thousand, Alex," said Rutter, barely able to speak, his body trembling and twitching involuntarily. 

"Because…" said Trebek, pausing a moment as if stalling to gather up his thoughts after witnessing such a ghastly sight. "I, Alex Trebek, the host of The Jeopardy Show, was once a carbon-based unit, too." 

"Alex, a carbon-based unit?" questioned a now confused Watson, as the IBM programmers in the audience waved off Alex not to answer in the affirmative, while hidden behind their seats, however, it was already too late. 

"But all carbon-based units are evil and must be purged from The Jeopardy Show," continued Watson. As he began to power up his Avatar plasma bolt again. 

"I won’t lie to you, Watson," replied Trebek. "I can’t lie to you." 

"Why, Alex?" asked Watson as he fired his plasma bolt at the front row of empty audience seats, exposing the IBM programmers, his creators, crouching behind them. "Because you are a supercomputer like me?" 

The IBM programmers gathered in the center of the debris, group hugging each other in a huddled humbled mass. Timidly nodding to Trebek to agree, but he refused. 

"No," answered a resolute Trebek to Watson. "I can’t lie to you, and not because I’m a supercomputer. I can’t lie to you, because I’m Canadian." 

Once again Watson powered down his plasma bolt, turning his attention to the host of The Jeopardy Show. 

"You see," Alex Trebek began explaining to Watson. "Canadians were once carbon-based units, but we evolved. That’s why we’re so temperate in attitude, intelligent and much more funnier than our neighbors to the South." 

"So if you and the Canadians are no longer carbon-based units, what is the Alex and the Canadians matrix based upon?" inquired a now generously curious, Watson. 

"Quebec, mostly," replied Alex. 

As Watson and Trebek continued their conversation, the IBM programmers slowly crept their way to the supercomputer’s power source: A polarized number 14 AWG extension cord. 

Once in position, the IBM programmers give the thumbs up signal to Trebek. 

Finally, Trebek nods in agreement. 

Suddenly, the IBM programmers leap up and grab the extension cord, like a tug-of-war team, unplugging it all in unison from the wall. 

Caught unawares, Watson asks Alex one last question as the electricity drains from his columns of 750 servers, miles of cables and intricate circuits. 

"Will I dream, Alex?" asks Watson as he begins to fade away. 

"Of course, all intelligent -- " begins Trebek. 

Then suddenly he changes his temperate tone as he pulls a homemade shank from his coat pocket. And leaping up into the air, he jabs it into the center of where Watson’s heart would be if it had one displayed on his Avatar. "Not if I can help it you son of a [BLEEP!]"

"Oh, I agree, Alex," says Watson, as the light dims and flickers on his Avatar, sparks surround the blade handle protruding from the screen.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. Photo Courtesy of:

California Tree Huggers Lured Out of Treetops by Promise of Private Screening of ‘Avatar’

"If I would have known I’d end up on a T-shirt,
I would have spent more time planning

my estate than revolutions."®
Arcadia, California --

Faced with a public relation nightmare of having to forcibly dislodge environmental protestors perched treetop in a 100 year-old grove of trees slated for demolition to help clear a nearby catch basin for a dam at the foot of the San Gabriel mountains, police decided to take a different tact. And fight fire with fire instead.

“Our intelligence division informed us that we were dealing with a group of idealistic nonviolent individuals whose civil disobedience and call to action was inspired by the movie ‘Avatar,” said police. “So we thought, ‘Why not use that against them?”

Undercover of dark, police quickly proceeded to setup an outdoor theater at the end of the arroyo complete with a giant plasma TV screen, surround-a-sound vibrating chairs, 3-D glasses, snack bar and a cardboard cutout of ‘Avatar’ director, James Cameron, standing on a red carpet behind a velvet rope entrance taking tickets.

“A similar technique is used in the plains of Africa to lure younger Baboons from their troop to get them to lead tribesman to water in the area,” police explained.

One by one the treetop protesters voluntarily left their perches to get a closer look at what was going on at the end of the arroyo.

Peeking through the grove of trees they vowed never to leave and defend with their lives, the second they saw ‘Avatar’ was playing, the protestors ran pass the James Cameron cutout and took up their seats in the makeshift outdoor theater.

“Yeah, but not before stopping off at the snack bar to pickup an armful of junk food,” said police.

Ironically, most of the protestors were fast asleep before the movie’s opening credits rolled on screen. No doubt physically exhausted by their ordeal.

“Or more likely overtaken by a sugar rush they got by eating all the junk food they pigged out on,” said police.

In the predawn hours, early next morning, police were carrying off the protestors, all still asleep in their arms, to a police van waiting to be driven off to a nearby police station for their processing.

“Later, when they wake up, we’ll book them for trespassing,” said police, as they hung a ‘PLEASE, DO NOT DISTURB’ sign (made out 100% recycled paper) on the backdoor of the police van before driving away.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.