Top 10 Rejected Rose Parade Float Ideas for 2011 – Vote for Your Favorite!



Happy New Year!
And don’t forget to
pickup after yourself!


10) The Tiger Woods’ Miniature Golf Course Float -- Links Decorated with Novelty Corporate Iconic Product Placement Logos Like Before, Only Now Representing Lost Endorsements

9) The “99 Weekers” Mobile Food Bank Float

8) The Arizona’s SB 1070 Anti-Illegal Immigration Float Decorated by ‘Petal Pushers’ Volunteers – The only people known to do a job for less wages than the undocumented

7) The Lindsay Lohan Rehab, Court and County Jail Float with Revolving Door

6) The Brett Favre’s Giant Text Float with Giant Magnifying Glass

5) The Alaskan Wilderness Frontier Float Featuring Sarah Palin Shooting Bambi from a Helicopter

4) The Arnold Schwarzenegger “I won’t be back Cal-Lee-Four-Knee-Ahh!” Float Sponsored by His Own Failed Terminator Administration

3) The “Say, Whatever Happened to Haiti?” Float Sponsored by – Oh look, a distraction!

2) The Christine O’Donnell Satanic Pentagram and Salem Witch Trial Reenactment Float

And a 3-Way Tie for Number One in the New Year 2011:

1A) The Crisis in the Gulf of Mexico “Where Did All Dat Oil Go?” Float

Or...

1B) The Tea Party’s 2010 Candidate Float Sponsored by Gotham City’s Arkham Insane Asylum Mental Healthcare Workers Association

Or…

1C) The Mr. WikiLeaks Himself:, Julian Assange, Man of International Mystery Float – Completely Constructed Out of Glass Mirrors

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All Rights Reserved.

9 Out of 10 Kids from ‘I’m Tiger Woods’ Shoe Commercial Suspected to be His

Los Angeles, California --

A group of fathers on behalf of their children that appeared in the ‘I’m Tiger Woods’ ‘Nike’ commercial a year ago have now banned together to file the nation’s first ever class action child support case and against Tiger Woods, after their paternity tests proved inconclusive.

“I always thought it was strange the way Tiger Woods’ people contacted us to do the commercial out of the blue like that,” said Bryan Dilbert talking about how his wife received a phone call from agent representing Tiger Woods asking her if she would like her son to be in one of his commercials. “But I thought, ‘Hey, it’s Tiger Woods.”

Once Mrs. Dilbert returned from the Tiger Woods’ commercial shoot with their 5-year-old son, however, she filed for divorce shortly thereafter, ending 4 years of marriage and gaining full custody of their son in the legal process.

“I never connected the two,” said Mr. Dilbert as he dressed in his drab motel room he rents from day to day in the only suit he has left, one he purchased at the Goodwill in preparation to meet his 5-year-old son for his occasional court ordered visitations.

“I’d like to see my son more often,” says Mr. Dilbert as he rides the bus downtown on the way to see his son for his once a month supervised visitations. “But I just can’t afford to pay the monitoring fees.”

A somewhat emotionally detached Mr. Dilbert sits in a pale green sterile room wearing a gray suit plagued with moth holes with an unseen court monitor looking on from behind a two-way mirrored glass, as he watches his son pickup a plastic golf club and putt a bright orange ball into a Astroturf indoor green over and over again.

“Hey, Regit,” says Mr. Dilbert to his son. “Do that again for daddy.”

After watching his son knock a golf ball into the hole time after time, Mr. Dilbert had an epiphany.

“Are you seeing this!” yelled out Mr. Dilbert to the invisible but omni present observer behind the mirrored glass and motorized security camera lenses.

Mr. Dilbert clapped and cheered his son on putt after putt. Suddenly he scooped him up into his arms and carried him to the mirrored glass and pounding on it with his fist yelled out, “He’s not my son! He’s not my son!” which only caused the boy to burst into tears.

“No, no. Don’t cry Regit,” said Mr. Dilbert trying to comfort the boy from his comments while winking at the observer behind the mirrored glass. “Daddy didn’t mean it.”

“All that was 6 months ago,” said Mr. Dilbert reading the paternity test results for his son which came back 99.9 percent positive that he is the father, as he sat on the edge of the stained motel bed all alone teary-eyed with a pistol to his head staring at a photograph of his son on the nightstand across the room; fading police siren, gunshots and screams echoing in the distance. “Now the judge says I can’t see Regit ever again…Tiger Woods…you ruined more than one family…you ruined mine t -- BANG!”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tiger Woods Finally Picks Up New Sponsor: ‘What Happens Here, Stays Here’ Las Vegas Ad

Las Vegas, Nevada --

The rumor is that Tiger Woods has just finished shooting a commercial of him as the new spokesman for the famous ‘What Happens Here, Stays Here’ ads for Las Vegas. Reportedly, he took the job on the advice of his business manager not so much for the money, but in an attempt to stem the stampede of advertisers running out the front door.

“He had to take the gig,” said Tiger Woods’ business manager. “His established sponsors are leaving him like rats a sinking ship. Hopefully when they see that other reputable advertisers are willing to take their place, maybe they’ll change their minds and won’t leave.”

According to the director, who shot the 10-second spot that will begin airing Christmas Eve, the commercial was tastefully done.

“We were deliberate in our decision to be very considerate of Tiger Woods’ delicate situation,” said the director. “Careful not exploit the news of his infidelity, or tarnish the wholesome family values image of Las Vegas.”

Still photography of the commercial has Tiger Woods bare-chested riding on the back of an albino Siberian tiger towing a row of topless Las Vegas show girls on the end of a golden chain.

The caption above his head reading: “If I Would Have Done This in Las Vegas, You Probably Wouldn’t Be Seeing This Ad Right Now.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo