Top 10 Rejected Rose Parade Float Ideas for 2011 – Vote for Your Favorite!



Happy New Year!
And don’t forget to
pickup after yourself!


10) The Tiger Woods’ Miniature Golf Course Float -- Links Decorated with Novelty Corporate Iconic Product Placement Logos Like Before, Only Now Representing Lost Endorsements

9) The “99 Weekers” Mobile Food Bank Float

8) The Arizona’s SB 1070 Anti-Illegal Immigration Float Decorated by ‘Petal Pushers’ Volunteers – The only people known to do a job for less wages than the undocumented

7) The Lindsay Lohan Rehab, Court and County Jail Float with Revolving Door

6) The Brett Favre’s Giant Text Float with Giant Magnifying Glass

5) The Alaskan Wilderness Frontier Float Featuring Sarah Palin Shooting Bambi from a Helicopter

4) The Arnold Schwarzenegger “I won’t be back Cal-Lee-Four-Knee-Ahh!” Float Sponsored by His Own Failed Terminator Administration

3) The “Say, Whatever Happened to Haiti?” Float Sponsored by – Oh look, a distraction!

2) The Christine O’Donnell Satanic Pentagram and Salem Witch Trial Reenactment Float

And a 3-Way Tie for Number One in the New Year 2011:

1A) The Crisis in the Gulf of Mexico “Where Did All Dat Oil Go?” Float

Or...

1B) The Tea Party’s 2010 Candidate Float Sponsored by Gotham City’s Arkham Insane Asylum Mental Healthcare Workers Association

Or…

1C) The Mr. WikiLeaks Himself:, Julian Assange, Man of International Mystery Float – Completely Constructed Out of Glass Mirrors

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All Rights Reserved.

83 Million Watched the Haiti Telethon -- Half Just to See if Brangelina Would Show Up?

Hollywood, California --

Literally disappointing millions of Brangelina fans and fueling rumors of their breakup, only Brad Pitt made appearance on the George Clooney Telethon for the Haiti earthquake relief effort without the breathtaking Angelina Jolie at his side.

“Every other caller was asking me, ‘Where’s Angelina Jolie? Did she really leave Brad?” said Nancy Tucker, 21, a Disney employee volunteering as a telethon phone operator taking donation pledges. “Then when I told them, ‘How would I know?’ and ask them for a donation, they’d hang up on me.”

Tucker quickly realized she was getting nowhere fast and that she was sitting on a goldmine.

“Donations were way down,” said Tucker. “So I did what I had to for the people of Haiti.”

Without authorization from her boss, Tucker set out on her own to rescue the people of Haiti with a little embellishment.

“So I started telling the callers what they wanted to hear,” said Tucker. “I told them, ‘Angelina is backstage right now. Yeah. And she’s refusing to walk on the telethon with Brad until he promises her that he will stop seeing Jennifer Aniston. Yeah. Oh my God. You’re never going to believe who just walked in…’ Then I’d stop right there, leaving the caller hanging on the phone so I could ask them for a donation, ‘…Quick, you better make a donation. I think my boss is getting suspicious’.”

Tucker says she does not feel guilty about what she did, but that she is proud instead.

“I don’t like calling what I did lying,” said Tucker, who was awarded first place in fund-raising. “I prefer to call it ‘Imagineering’. That’s spelled: I.M.A.G.I.N.E.E.R.I.N.G.”


Copyright Ó 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Earthquake Aid Delivered to Haiti Via A Giant Hamster Ball?

Port-au-Price, Haiti --

“I was always a fan of the ‘Marvel’ comic book character ‘Iron Man,” explained self-confessed ‘germ-a- phobe’ ‘Deal or No Deal’ TV host Howie Mandel using a webcam on his laptop computer from inside a giant translucent hamster ball as he rolled through the rubble strewn streets of Port-au-Prince, handing out bottles of water and high energy protein bars to the desperate populous. “Now that I finally got the money I was able to construct my own version of a super mechanical exoskeleton suit. Tailoring it to fit my particular needs.”

The result: a one-man, hermetically sealed, bulletproof, self-sufficient and self-propelled mobile biosphere that allows its operator to venture into disease ridden, plague infested disaster zones to serve his fellow man. Except without having to expose oneself to unacceptable risk like Sean Penn, but all from the safety of a self-contained, germfree, armchair equipped, temperature controlled worry-free environment instead.

“It’s totally green too,” said Mandel as he continued rolling his way through crowded streets rapidly filling up with the despots of humanity, wading through hordes of Haitians that now surrounded and followed him more out of curiosity than attempting to quench their thrust or hunger. “I’m its power source.”

Either the operator’s walking, or lever pulling action on the ‘Lazy Boy’ reclining armchair, generates the kinetic energy, which is converted into electricity and transferred to the patent pending giant hamster ball’s micro-spherical unitrack power train drive.

As Mandel pauses his giant hamster ball, reaching over to place another bottle of water into an airlock with his thick black rubber gloves, all without having to get up from his armchair, an elderly Haitian man hesitates to reach in and grab it; his gestures indicating fear that he will lose his hand if he does.

“Go on,” says Mandel attempting to reassure the elderly man. “Take it -- He’s probably a Voodoo medicine man and superstitious of our Western ways.”

As the elder man refuses, taking instead a step back, he says something in French to the crowd.

“I’M SORRY,” said Mandel through his headset linked to his biosphere’s public address system as he keyed in some commands into his laptop computer that resulted in the extension of a long thin silver rod with a microphone, camera and flashlight attached to the end of it and a 60 mm machinegun being shoved into the elderly man’s face from the other side of the sphere. “PLEASE, SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO THE MICROPHONE SO MY COMPUTER CAN TRANSLATE YOUR PRIMITIVE DIALECT INTO ENGLISH. OH, AND DON’T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES.”

Suddenly, the crowd of Haitians rushed the giant hamster ball lifting it up into the air, tossing it back-and-forth to each other above their heads like a beach ball.

“PUT ME DOWN!!” Mandel pleaded. “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT ME DOWN!”

“What should with do with the giant egg with the White man trapped inside of it?” asked a young Haitian man of the elderly one.

“Make crêpes suzettes?” joked the elderly gentleman. “Nah, better not. Looks a little dirty.”

Copyright Ó 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo