Showing posts with label Las Vegas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Las Vegas. Show all posts

Mitt Romney’s “$10,000 Bet” Exposes Secret Gambling Lives of Mormons

Las Vegas, Nevada --

Once a month from Salt Lake City, Utah, Mormons leave their homes undercover of darkness to board unmarked buses headed for Las Vegas, Nevada. Along the way they change their clothes. Their constitutions, chemically. And cosmetically their appearance as well. Hours later, they arrive in Sin City. Disembarking from their motor coaches disguised as slightly inebriated Chinese tourists.

“It’s part of the transition they undergo,” said the bus driver. “You know, like grasshoppers into locusts.”

Free to roam the neon lit city, dressed in straw hats, brightly colored Hawaiian shirts and cameras dangling from their necks, the Mormons draw little attention to themselves as they hit every casino in town. Gambling away their hard earnings at whimsical games of chance.

“We work hard,” said “Mr. Chang”, intermittently pausing to sip on a mini umbrella mixed drink, while throwing a pair of dice. “And we play harder still.”

However, since Mitt Romney’s ‘$10,000’ slip of the tongue, which may have inadvertently exposed the secret gambling lives of Mormons, some in the church, working for change, fear a backlash from fellow churchgoers, as well as religious intolerance from outsiders.

One such man is Aaron Johnson (a.k.a. Mr. Yen), a leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and veteran Vegas tour guide.

“People actually expect something from us, Mormons. Not like those lazy Catholics,” Mr. Yen says, glancing from side to side. As he cautiously walks the casino floor, wary that he will be recognized despite his disguise.

Mr. Yen says Mormons are locked into a stereotype. Held captive to a reputation only a few have rightly so earned.

Suddenly, Mr. Yen notices a young couple staring at him from across the room.

“Excuse me,” says Mr. Yen, as he steps aside to snap a few photos of the casino’s interior flora: a decorative arrangement of potted plastic plants. Causally, he drops a few coins into a nearby slot machine as well. It pays off almost immediately.

The young couple shrugs their shoulders, as they proceed on their way.

“Boy, that was a close one,” says Mr. Yen. “Too close. Been like that ever since you know who announced a little wager on national TV.”

From within the church, Mr. Yen helps run an Underground Railroad of sorts.

“One that works to liberate Mormons from the stereotype of the faithful spouse, hard working laymen and shrewd businessmen,” says Mr. Yen as he boards the bus along with the fellow members of his congregation headed back to Salt Lake City.

In the back, a drunken brawl breaks out over the disputed results of a game of craps.

“Excuse me,” Mr. Yen says again. Only this time, he does not reach for his camera or the lever of a slot machine. Rather, he pulls out a blackjack from under his tropical patterned Hawaiian shirt instead. “Looks like I have to breakup another unauthorized ‘Bible Study’.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Sarah Palin’s ‘Tea Party’ Address Causes Quite a Stir at the White House

Washington, D.C. --

“Now I really want you to look at these computer enhanced images of what your body will look like come 2012,” said President Barack Obama to ‘Obama Girl’ who helped sway the electorate, winning his 2008 presidential election for him and who now sat in the Oval Office with other members of his Cabinet and chief of staff, going over campaign strategies to defeat Sarah Palin in 2012.

“Notice how you’re projected to put on a little weight?” continued Obama speaking to ‘Obama Girl’ as the Surgeon General nodded his head in agreement. “Now it’s not so much that the Surgeon General here is raising any red flags, calling it a health concern. As much as you continuing to look so great as you do in a bikini. So I’ve taken the liberty to ensure that happens.”

Obama then called in a personal trainer into the room, introducing him to ‘Obama Girl’ who was busy stuffing her face with chocolate chip cookies at the time.

“Sven,” said Obama with a smile on his face as he rose to his feet zipping up his jogger’s jacket with the Presidential Seal embroidered on it. “How are you old buddy? Hope the windy city is treating you well. Say, I’d like you to meet ‘Obama Girl’. She’s been a faithful and most useful member of Team Obama. But now, as you can see by the computer projections, she won’t do me much good in the years to come if she doesn’t get control of her diet. What do you recommend?”

“The pain!” replied Sven in broken English as he flexed his bulky arm muscles so that it caused the veins in his neck and forehead to bulge, flooding with blood.

‘Obama Girl’ started gagging and choking on her chocolate chip cookies in response.

Sven, mistaking ‘Obama Girl’ for having need of the Heimlich maneuver, lifted her up from out of her chair and while positioned behind her, began squeezing her like a tube of toothpaste until she fell to the floor unconscious.

“Oh no,” yelled out Sven with his hands on his cheeks. “Not again!”

“There goes my reelection,” said Obama throwing his face into his folded arms on his desk.

“Is she dead?” asked Sven to the Surgeon General who was checking ‘Obama Girl’ for a pulse.

“No,” replied the Surgeon General. “In fact, she’s coming to.”

“Thank God!” said Obama jumping to his feet, throwing Karate punches in the air. “I’m back in business!”

“What do we tell her happened to her?” asked a concerned Sven, kneeling on one knee gently stroking ‘Obama Girl’s’ cheek.

“I know,” said Obama snapping his fingers. “Lets just put her back in her chair and pretend like nothing happened.”

“You mean like in that ‘I Love Lucy’ episode?” jokingly asked the Surgeon General.

“Yeah,” said Obama, nodding to Sven.

Sven then lifted up ‘Obama Girl’, returning her to her seat, arranging her body to the position it was in before. Even placing a chocolate chip cookie in her mouth.

As ‘Obama Girl’ regained consciousness, Sven was unable to look ‘Obama Girl’ in the eyes and looked nervously around room instead. Not knowing what to do next, he resumed his posing, causing ‘Obama Girl’ to gag and choke on the chocolate chip cookie in her mouth.

Sven instinctively rushed in plucking ‘Obama Girl’ out of her chair, performing the Heimlich maneuver on her.

“Oh no,” cried out Obama throwing his arms up in the air. “Not again!”

Sure enough ‘Obama Girl’ fell to the floor unconscious again.

“Is she alive?” Sven asked the Surgeon General who was checking ‘Obama Girl’ for a pulse again.

“Just barely,” the Surgeon General said. “In fact, without an immediate –”

“Wait!” interrupted Obama, throwing his hand out in the air.

“You got another idea?” sarcastically remarked the Surgeon General.

“Yeah,” said Obama as he paced the Oval Office. “I saw this movie once about a bachelor party where the prostitute they hire dies on them.”

“Oh no,” said Sven, shaking his head. “Not again.”

“Now, now, Sven,” said Obama patting Sven on his back. “Remember?”

“Yes, I remember,” said a resigned Sven, picking up the still unconscious ‘Obama Girl’ from the floor. “What happens in Chicago stays in Chicago.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Tiger Woods Finally Picks Up New Sponsor: ‘What Happens Here, Stays Here’ Las Vegas Ad

Las Vegas, Nevada --

The rumor is that Tiger Woods has just finished shooting a commercial of him as the new spokesman for the famous ‘What Happens Here, Stays Here’ ads for Las Vegas. Reportedly, he took the job on the advice of his business manager not so much for the money, but in an attempt to stem the stampede of advertisers running out the front door.

“He had to take the gig,” said Tiger Woods’ business manager. “His established sponsors are leaving him like rats a sinking ship. Hopefully when they see that other reputable advertisers are willing to take their place, maybe they’ll change their minds and won’t leave.”

According to the director, who shot the 10-second spot that will begin airing Christmas Eve, the commercial was tastefully done.

“We were deliberate in our decision to be very considerate of Tiger Woods’ delicate situation,” said the director. “Careful not exploit the news of his infidelity, or tarnish the wholesome family values image of Las Vegas.”

Still photography of the commercial has Tiger Woods bare-chested riding on the back of an albino Siberian tiger towing a row of topless Las Vegas show girls on the end of a golden chain.

The caption above his head reading: “If I Would Have Done This in Las Vegas, You Probably Wouldn’t Be Seeing This Ad Right Now.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo