Showing posts with label Jay Leno. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jay Leno. Show all posts

Conan O’Brien Books ‘Big Stars’ on his ‘Twitter’ Show

Hollywood, California --

Not to be out booked by his chief competitor and airwave rival, Jay Leno, just because he does not have a late night TV show to call his home any more, Conan O’Brien has managed to attract top celebrities to his ‘Twitter’ show, which he conducts from a Potemkin Village like studio made of construction paper, cardboard cutouts and lawn furniture under a tree in his backyard – of course, he has failed to mention to his fans that follow him on ‘Twitter’ that they are all celebrity impersonators.

“Tonight my special guest is Robert De Niro of ‘Taxi Driver’ fame,” Tweeted Conan O’Brien to his fans. “That’s right. And he’ll be doing that ‘Are you talking to me’ routine from the movie too. Man, that just creeps me out every time I see that.”

As Conan O’Brien rises to his feet to greet his celebrity imposter he is shocked to see that is it the real Robert De Niro walking onto his makeshift set he has erected adjacent to his kid’s dollhouse, which doubled as the waiting guests’ green room.

“Wow!” said Conan O’Brien as he struggled to ‘Tweet’ and greet his famous guest at the same time. “You’re the real Robert De Niro, aren’t you? I’ mean, of course you are. Who else would you be? I mean have on my show, but the real actor? And not some cheap celebrity knockoff or something.”

“Yeah, it’s me, Bobby De Niro,” said Robert De Niro as he takes a seat on an aluminum lawn chair next to Conan O’Brien’s white plastic table, covered with colorful flower stickers of red, yellow and orange. “I heard you were in a little trouble…and it looks like I heard right.”

“Yeah…,” said Conan O’Brien stalling for time as he signals to his 12-year-old stage director, a neighborhood kid, to cut to a commercial break.

“But we don’t have any sponsors!” replies the stage director, removing a Popsicle from his mouth in order to speak.

“…about that,” continued Conan O’Brien his eyes fixed on a small shadowy figure that moved among the braches and leaves above his head. “Just a little trouble… here and there. You know how show businesses is.”

“You know, Conan,” said a serious sounding Robert De Niro looking directly into O’Brien’s eyes. “I once played a comedian talk show host in a movie with a setup similar to this but in a basement. He too was obsessed with – ”

Suddenly an acorn came flying out of the tree, striking Robert De Niro on the head.

“What in the hell was that?” said Robert De Niro looking from side to side before bending over to pickup an acorn nut from the ground.

“It’s that squirrel. It’s amazing,” said Conan O’Brien to Robert De Niro, both now looking up at the tree from their seats. “It’s like that Russian mystic, Rasputin. Rasputin incarnate. The thing just won’t die.”

“Have you tried rat poison,” said Robert De Niro, still attempting to get a peek at the squirrel from his lawn chair.

“Yeah, I even bought this pellet gun,” said Conan O’Brien, as he pulled out a BB-gun from its holster he wore under his coat.

“You mind if I give it a try,” said Robert De Niro as he strapped on Conan O’Brien’s pellet gun and holster to his chest.

Conan O’Brien tweeting away to his fans as fast as he could, “You guys won’t believe what Robert De Niro is doing in my backyard right now.”

As Robert De Niro walked up to the trunk of the tree, looking up, a vague little shadowy figure scurried high up to the treetop.

“See,” said a confident Robert De Niro waving his arms loosely about his side. “Just the sight of me headed in its direction was enough to scare it away.”

Suddenly, just as before an acorn nut came from seemingly out of nowhere striking Robert De Niro on the head again. In fact, hitting him in the exact same spot.

Robert De Niro, checking for blood with his hand, unbuttoned his jacket exposing the holstered pellet gun. Then looking back in Conan O’Brien's direction but not at him, he began to re-enact his famous scene from ‘Taxi Driver'.”

“Co-staring then child actress protégée, Jodie Foster,” tweeted Conan O’Brien from under the table.

“What? Are you talking to me?” said Robert De Niro addressing the squirrel as Conan O’Brien stopped twittering for a moment and the stage director’s Popsicle fell to the ground. “Are you throwing your nuts at me? I don’t see anybody else here but me.”

Suddenly, just as before again, except as if fired from a machine gun this time came a shower of acorn nuts, pelting Robert De Niro.

“Excuse me,” Tweeted Conan O’Brien. “I have go rescue my hero, Robert De Niro from a squirrel.”

Using the white plastic table as cover, Conan O’Brien and his adolescent stage director were able to reach Robert De Niro who was sprawled out under the tree under a pile of acorn nuts.

“Come with me if you want to live,” said Conan O’Brien, holding out his outstretched hand to a dazed and confused looking Robert De Niro.

“Maybe you’re just too close to the squirrel’s ‘Home Tree’ like in that James Cameron movie,” said a defeated Robert De Niro, suggesting that Conan O’Brien move his makeshift cardboard studio back a little away form the squirrel’s tree. “What do you say, Conan?”

Conan O’Brien, turning to his freckled faced stage director, said as he tweeted, “Looks like I should’ve went with my gut and booked that Joe Pesci celebrity impersonator instead.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Conan O’Brien’s ‘Tweet’ No Joke; Real 911 Call for Help?

Universal City, California --

Not one to disappoint his fans, Conan O’Brien, former host of ‘The Tonight Show’ and consummate funnyman, used his ‘Twitter’ account to keep in shape since leaving the late night talk show circuit by conducting his first interview from his backyard. His first guest: a squirrel he encountered. However, the cute skit quickly turned ugly, resulting in him having to cut to commercial and asking for assistance.

“Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard. Then threw to commercial. Somebody help me,” ‘Tweeted’ Conan O’Brien to his loyal fans who eagerly await his return to network TV, cable or even the Internet.

“Conan O’Brien has never been funnier,” said Wanda Sykes, a comedienne, sitcom TV star, talk show host on FOX and Jay Leno fan when she received the O’Brien ‘Tweet’, thinking it was a joke. “I laughed so hard when I read it. I said to myself, ‘Too bad he couldn’t be that funny on ‘The Tonight Show’.”

Unfortunately for Conan O’Brien it was no joke.

“Due to the limited number of characters someone can ‘Tweet’ to express themselves,” said a spokesman for ‘Twitter’. “Conan O’Brien’s cry for help was misinterpreted by those who received his brief message.”

“He [Conan O’Brien] thought it would be funny to interview a squirrel that lives in a tree in our backyard,” explained Mrs. O’Brien to the fire department that responded to her 911 call, as they attended to her husband who was laid out on the lawn under a tree. “So he sat down at the playhouse we got for the kids and started interviewing this, this squirrel.”

However, Conan O’Brien did not realize that he was sitting across the table having a cup of tea with a rabid squirrel that quickly lunged at him, attacking him.

“I guess his instincts as a professional talk show host kicked in,” said Mrs. O’Brien.

While he struggled to remove the squirrel attached to his face, Conan O’Brien maintained his composure by throwing to a commercial before asking for help.

“All the while he was still ‘Tweeting’ to his fans,” said Mrs. O’Brien.

Mrs. O’Brien managed to scare off the squirrel with a garden hose, washing it off her husband’s face.

“He always puts his fans first,” said Mrs. O’Brien attempting to comfort the crying O’Brien children as they waved bye-bye to their father.

As the paramedics lifted up Conan O’Brien on the gurney, locking the wheels in place and began rolling him out to the ambulance parked in the driveway, he spoke to the EMT’s from beneath his oxygen mask, his pale white face bearing tiny red scratch marks.

“Could you X-ray my stomach when we get to the hospital? I think that squirrel laid an egg inside me, or something,” said frightened looking Conan O’Brien, his trademarked red quaff of a cowlick all a muss. “Wait…did you see that? My chest…did it bulge just now? Or was that the wind blowing up my shirt? Oh my God! Get it off of me! Get it off me! Now back to you Ed…Heeerrreee’s Johnny!”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Jay Leno Attempted to Takeover the ‘Oprah Winfrey Show’?

Chicago, Illinois --

“Tell me Jay,” asked a seemingly sympathetic Oprah before her live studio audience on her TV show bearing her name. “Do you feel like the bad guy? Hold on to your answer for a second, while we pause to take a short commercial break.”

As the flashing red studio applauds sign stopped and the clapping along with it, Jay Leno leaned forward to the edge of the couch to ask Oprah a question.

“Wow! You got quite a setup here,” said Jay Leno as he rubbed his hands together.

“Yeah, it’s nice,” said Oprah as a makeup artist blotted her face and the director counted down the seconds back to airtime.

“Three, two, one…” said the director.

“Do you feel like the bad guy?” continued Oprah picking up her line of questioning right where she left off.

“Not really,” answered Jay Leno as he leaned back, looking over his shoulder at an espresso machine and barista standing off stage. “Say, is that a full service mini café with an attendant over there?”

Oprah looking nervous simply ignored Jay Leno's question and repeated her own instead.

“Do you feel like the media has portrayed you unfairly?” Oprah asked.

Jay Leno did not answer. He just kept turning his head, looking around the studio as he sat on the couch.

“Hey, I bet this sofa is new,” said Jay Leno, as he began to bounce up and down on it, testing with his weight.

“Huh? What?” Oprah replied looking to her director who was standing off camera giving her the cut signal.

“That green room of yours is sure roomy,” said Jay Leno as he began lifting up and turning over the couch pillows for a closer inspection. “I don’t think I’ve ever had one quite that big before...”

“Stedman!” Oprah suddenly screamed out. “Take him out!”

Just then a man in a black hooded Ninja suit with an automatic weapon strapped to his back propelled down on a rope from the studio scaffolding above, landing on the stage right in front of Jay Leno.

“…And your audience,” continued Jay Leno, unawares as to what was going on as he had his head buried deep in the recesses of the couch. “What’s their demographic?”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Joan Rivers on 'The Tonight Show’: “I still got a chance!”

Hollywood, California --

“Johnny’s still dead isn’t he? Wait, wait…I just sent you a picture of his headstone that my daughter, Melissa, took this morning. Check your email. Go ahead. I’ll wait,” said Joan Rivers while she was laid out on the operating table of her Brazilian plastic surgeon’s office as she spoke with her agent over the speakerphone. “Well then. Did you get it? Good. So you see, I still got a chance! You just do you’re job and get me an interview with NBC. I’ll do the rest.”

“Mom I should tell you,” said Melissa Rivers over the same speakerphone, while lounging poolside at their Beverly Hills mansion. “I wasn’t the only one out there taking pictures of Johnny Carson’s headstone. Phyllis Diller was out there taking pictures too.”

“Don’t mind her, honey,” said Joan Rivers as she requested a can of ‘Fresca’, receiving shrugging shoulders instead. “She’s always hanging around out there. Poor woman. She believes Johnny’s coming back from the dead to reclaim his career.”

“Like Andy Kaufman?” said Melissa.

“No. More like Pee-wee Herman,” said Joan Rivers making the sound of a rim shot out of the side of her mummified mouth and moving her sticklike arms from underneath her blue surgical gown. “See. I told you I still got it.”

“Yeah, but she wasn’t alone,” continued Melissa. “Don Rickles was with her.”

“Oh my God,” said Joan Rivers as she sat up on the operating table looking like the bride of Frankenstein. “They formed a Kabalah! Quick, we got to get to that cemetery before midnight tonight, or they will resurrect Johnny from the grave, forcing him to choose the next host of the ‘Tonight Show’ from a scroll of paper jammed into his mouth like a clay Gollum.”

“So we got to get there to stop them?” said Melissa.

“Yeah,” said Joan Rivers as she ran out of her plastic surgeon’s office still wearing a blue hospital garment. “And above all, make sure my name is written on that piece of paper.”

Copyright Ó 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Jay Leno Issues Gag NBC Memo: “Beat-up a Late Night Ginger Talk Show Host Day!”

Burbank, California --

‘South Park’s’ ‘Beat-up a Ginger Day’ has spread from the schoolyard playground to the late night TV talk show circuit as physically assaulting redheaded freckle faced kids now includes picking on late night ginger talk show hosts, too.

“Why me?” reportedly said Conan O’Brien host of the ‘The Tonight Show’ as he was being beaten on the back lot of the sound stage where he tapes his late night show at NBC.

Security video could not clearly identify O’Brien’s assailants, but they appeared to be well-dressed individuals, possibly NBC executives.

Police attribute the attack to a NBC memo being circulated earlier in the week that declared it open season on gingers. But NBC executives deny issuing it.

“Come on. It was just a joke, beat-up a ginger day. That’s funny,” said Jay Leno at a press conference. “Don’t you people know funny anymore? Hey, anybody want to go for a ride on my mini-me race car track?”

While recovering at the hospital, O’Brien was told the news by NBC executives that his ‘Today Show’ was being pushed back to 12:05 am.

“Wait,” said Conan O’Brien from his hospital bed. “You guys aren’t here just to tell me I’m being pushed back are you? Because I already heard the news.”

“Well…” said one of the three NBC executives pulling out a copy of Jay Leno’s gag memo as the other two closed the hospital door and switched off the lights in the room. “Not exactly.”

Copyright Ó 2009-2010 by Robert W. Armijo