Showing posts with label Joan Rivers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joan Rivers. Show all posts

Joan Rivers Briefly Woke Up During Surgery; Asked to See Kate Upton’s Boobs

New York, New York --

According to leaked court documents, to the surprise of her New York outpatient clinic-attending physicians, Joan Rivers briefly awoke from her surgery while under a general anesthetic, asking to see the leaked naked photos of Sports Illustrated swimsuit supermodel, Kate Upton.

“Thanks,” Rivers said to her doctors, after they showed her the nude photos posted on the Internet of Kate Upton’s boobs. “I needed a good laugh.”

Apparently, while Rivers was under all she heard was talk by her surgeons about leaked naked pictures of Kate Upton.

Rivers’ doctors quickly and profusely apologized to her once they realized she had awoken during the medical procedure. 

“That’s alright,” Rivers reportedly said, as she began to yawn and drift slowly back into the deep medically induced sleep. “That’s what brought me back. I just wanted to see them for myself  – the pictures, I mean -- Because if that girl hasn’t had more plastic surgery than I have had then nobody…ZZZ…ZZZ…ZZZ.

Copyright © 2008-2014 by Robert W. Armijo. All Rights Reserved.

Joan Rivers on Her Controversial Gaza Strip Comments: What? Too Soon?

Los Angeles, California –

“What? Too soon?” said Joan Rivers as she walked on stage holding a mic in her hand at a press conference she called in response to the blowback her comments generated on the current crisis in the Middle East. “Give me a break here, already. I hope you didn’t take anything that I said seriously. I’m a comedian, remember?”

Rivers insists if she is guilty of anything, it is bad timing. 

“Everybody knows tragedy plus time equals comedy,” said Rivers as she explained her theory of comedy. 

Rivers maintains her humorous observations on the Israeli assault on the Gaza Strip were merely too soon. 

“I should’ve given it a week or so,” said Rivers. “Then I would’ve had them rolling in the aisles.”

Rivers points out historical events from the past that resulted in the loss of innocent lives, which were then viewed at the time as a tragedy; however, now, with the passage of time, are looked upon differently. 

“Remember how we all felt 'bad' about having to drop the bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki?” said Rivers. “Sure it was a 'so-called' tragedy back then. But now, looking back, it's hilarious. Personally, I can’t stop laughing every time I think about it. And pee a little every time I do.”

Rivers claims she has written an entire series of jokes in the Japanese Haiku style of poetry, which she interchangeably uses Hiroshima and Nagasaki as the punch lines.

“In fact, they’re half of my new act I’m putting together for a gig I got going in the Copa Room at the Sands Hotel and Casino on that other little strip called Las Vegas next week,” said Rivers. “I’ll be opening for a Wop named Frank Sinatra. Any of you bums ever heard of him?”

Copyright © 2008-2014 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Joan Rivers on 'The Tonight Show’: “I still got a chance!”

Hollywood, California --

“Johnny’s still dead isn’t he? Wait, wait…I just sent you a picture of his headstone that my daughter, Melissa, took this morning. Check your email. Go ahead. I’ll wait,” said Joan Rivers while she was laid out on the operating table of her Brazilian plastic surgeon’s office as she spoke with her agent over the speakerphone. “Well then. Did you get it? Good. So you see, I still got a chance! You just do you’re job and get me an interview with NBC. I’ll do the rest.”

“Mom I should tell you,” said Melissa Rivers over the same speakerphone, while lounging poolside at their Beverly Hills mansion. “I wasn’t the only one out there taking pictures of Johnny Carson’s headstone. Phyllis Diller was out there taking pictures too.”

“Don’t mind her, honey,” said Joan Rivers as she requested a can of ‘Fresca’, receiving shrugging shoulders instead. “She’s always hanging around out there. Poor woman. She believes Johnny’s coming back from the dead to reclaim his career.”

“Like Andy Kaufman?” said Melissa.

“No. More like Pee-wee Herman,” said Joan Rivers making the sound of a rim shot out of the side of her mummified mouth and moving her sticklike arms from underneath her blue surgical gown. “See. I told you I still got it.”

“Yeah, but she wasn’t alone,” continued Melissa. “Don Rickles was with her.”

“Oh my God,” said Joan Rivers as she sat up on the operating table looking like the bride of Frankenstein. “They formed a Kabalah! Quick, we got to get to that cemetery before midnight tonight, or they will resurrect Johnny from the grave, forcing him to choose the next host of the ‘Tonight Show’ from a scroll of paper jammed into his mouth like a clay Gollum.”

“So we got to get there to stop them?” said Melissa.

“Yeah,” said Joan Rivers as she ran out of her plastic surgeon’s office still wearing a blue hospital garment. “And above all, make sure my name is written on that piece of paper.”

Copyright Ó 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo