Showing posts with label Wanda Sykes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wanda Sykes. Show all posts

Conan O’Brien’s ‘Tweet’ No Joke; Real 911 Call for Help?

Universal City, California --

Not one to disappoint his fans, Conan O’Brien, former host of ‘The Tonight Show’ and consummate funnyman, used his ‘Twitter’ account to keep in shape since leaving the late night talk show circuit by conducting his first interview from his backyard. His first guest: a squirrel he encountered. However, the cute skit quickly turned ugly, resulting in him having to cut to commercial and asking for assistance.

“Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard. Then threw to commercial. Somebody help me,” ‘Tweeted’ Conan O’Brien to his loyal fans who eagerly await his return to network TV, cable or even the Internet.

“Conan O’Brien has never been funnier,” said Wanda Sykes, a comedienne, sitcom TV star, talk show host on FOX and Jay Leno fan when she received the O’Brien ‘Tweet’, thinking it was a joke. “I laughed so hard when I read it. I said to myself, ‘Too bad he couldn’t be that funny on ‘The Tonight Show’.”

Unfortunately for Conan O’Brien it was no joke.

“Due to the limited number of characters someone can ‘Tweet’ to express themselves,” said a spokesman for ‘Twitter’. “Conan O’Brien’s cry for help was misinterpreted by those who received his brief message.”

“He [Conan O’Brien] thought it would be funny to interview a squirrel that lives in a tree in our backyard,” explained Mrs. O’Brien to the fire department that responded to her 911 call, as they attended to her husband who was laid out on the lawn under a tree. “So he sat down at the playhouse we got for the kids and started interviewing this, this squirrel.”

However, Conan O’Brien did not realize that he was sitting across the table having a cup of tea with a rabid squirrel that quickly lunged at him, attacking him.

“I guess his instincts as a professional talk show host kicked in,” said Mrs. O’Brien.

While he struggled to remove the squirrel attached to his face, Conan O’Brien maintained his composure by throwing to a commercial before asking for help.

“All the while he was still ‘Tweeting’ to his fans,” said Mrs. O’Brien.

Mrs. O’Brien managed to scare off the squirrel with a garden hose, washing it off her husband’s face.

“He always puts his fans first,” said Mrs. O’Brien attempting to comfort the crying O’Brien children as they waved bye-bye to their father.

As the paramedics lifted up Conan O’Brien on the gurney, locking the wheels in place and began rolling him out to the ambulance parked in the driveway, he spoke to the EMT’s from beneath his oxygen mask, his pale white face bearing tiny red scratch marks.

“Could you X-ray my stomach when we get to the hospital? I think that squirrel laid an egg inside me, or something,” said frightened looking Conan O’Brien, his trademarked red quaff of a cowlick all a muss. “Wait…did you see that? My chest…did it bulge just now? Or was that the wind blowing up my shirt? Oh my God! Get it off of me! Get it off me! Now back to you Ed…Heeerrreee’s Johnny!”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Wanda Sykes: “I put Rush Limbaugh in the hospital with my Voodoo Doll!”

Hollywood, California --

Days after Rush Limbaugh's release from a hospital in Hawaii, long time rival and comedian, Wanda Sykes, confessed during her opening monolog on her new late night TV show on Fox 'The Wanda Sykes Show' that she was the one responsible for his chest pains.

"I conjured up some good old fashion voodoo magic," said Wanda Sykes to her studio audience. "What's wrong with that? Somebody had to. Why not me?"

Wanda Sykes got a voodoo doll in the likeness of Rush Limbaugh soon after she wished his kidneys would fail during a comedy standup routine she did last year at a formal dinner for President Barack Obama, although she did not know it at the time.

"I know they said I shouldn't have said I wish Rush Limbaugh would die of kidney failure because of all that OxyContin he was ingesting," said Wand Sykes. "At least not out loud, but hell, we were all thinking it."

Wanda Sykes says after her performance she was approached back stage by someone in a full-length trench coat, fedora hat and dark glasses that handed her a small package wrapped in plain Manila paper.

"He gave me specific instructions not to open it up until after Christmas," said Wanda Sykes. "He said I would know what to do with it then."

Wanda Sykes says when got back at home she put the package away and at Christmas time pulled and placed under her tree.

On Christmas morning, Wanda Sykes opened up all her presents and finally the small mysterious package wrapped in plain Manila paper.

"I thought it was a joke," said Wanda Sykes of the voodoo doll made in the likeness of Rush Limbaugh staring up at her from the small wooden box. "But I went along with it and stuck a needle that came with it into its chest, placed it up on the fireplace mantle and walked away. I didn't even think about any more."

That was until Wanda Sykes heard the news about Rush Limbaugh being hospitalized with chest pains.

"I immediately rushed back home, grabbed the Rush Limbaugh voodoo doll off the mantel and began jamming the needle into his chest over and over again," said Wanda Sykes. "But not right of way...First, I opened up a bottle of red wine, put on some Marvin Gaye and kicked off my shoes. After all, it's not everyday your wish comes true."

When Wanda Sykes came to, it was the next morning and Rush Limbaugh had been released from the hospital.

"Damn it!" said Wanda Sykes. "If only I'd have known that voodoo magic only lasts 24 hours, I wouldn't have had all that wine. And Rush would have been done for by now. Oh well, there's always next time."

Just then a heavy knocking came at Wanda Sykes front door.

"What now," said Wanda Sykes as she walked over to open it. "It better not be any [BLEEP] Jehovah's Witnesses."

As Wanda Sykes opened the door, a tall dark menacing figure wrapped in a black robe reached out and grabbed her throat with its bony hands, lifting her off the ground.

"I've come for my payment," bellowed the shadowy figure from beyond. "You're soul is mine now."

"You're too late," said a defiant Wanda Sykes as she tried to struggle free from the grip of the supernatural being, her legs kicking helplessly in the air. "Network TV already has that. But that's beside the point. What did I tell you? No [BLEEP] Jehovah's Witnesses. Now take your 'Watch Tower' and 'Awake' magazines with you and get. Go on. Get."

With that, the towering ghostly figure vanished, leaving Wanda Sykes sitting on her living room floor unharmed.

"Damn spirit world. Why can't you guys get it right?" said Wanda Sykes as she rose to her feet brushing herself off. "If I was trying to kill Rush, I would have stuck a pin through a more sensitive part of his body. Like his [BLEEP] wallet."

Copyright Ó 2008-10 by Robert W. Armijo