Showing posts with label Duke William and Duchess Kate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Duke William and Duchess Kate. Show all posts

Baby Prince George Attends First “Playdate” (A.K.A. Pox Party) in New Zealand

Auckland, New Zealand --

“The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge sent out royal invitations to the parents of children with known communicable and highly contagious diseases,” said a spokesman for the royal couple.  

The pox party is considered politically incorrect so it has recently acquired the euphemistic term “playdate” among parents still believing in the alleged immune building practice.

The practice of gathering children in large groups for the purpose of exposing them to disease in order to build up their immunity dates back to the Middle Ages.

“That’s when in the first documented case ever,” said Professor Harold Johnson, a historian. “The parents in the town of Yorkshire, England rounded up all the children in the village and subjected them to various trials and tribulations in order to determine if any of them were possessed by the devil.” 

Amazingly nearly half of the children of the town of Yorkshire were determined to be either warlocks or witches. 

“Somewhat of a statistical improbability,” said the historian. “Although still falling within the realm of possibility.”

An ancient woodcarving from the time survived, serving now as a silent witness to the incident.

“As you can clearly see,” said the historian, referring to the woodcarving. “The children were thrown down a well.” 

The children that did not drown and managed to crawl out of the well were immediately seized by the adults and burned at the stake for practicing the black arts. 

“Only the guilty were burned,” said the historian. “The innocent drowned.”

The children who did survive the ordeal did so by remaining in the well, hiding there for days. 

“Finally sneaking out under the cover of darkness, the remaining children fled to safety,” said the historian.

Professor Johnson believes this incident and others like it that began spreading throughout Europe is what actually inspired the Children’s Crusade of 1212 and possibly, the tradition of children falling down wells as well.

“The children must have figured they had a better chance of surviving an armed conflict for control of the trade routes to the Far East or the Holy Land than they did a well drowning or funeral pyre back at home,” said the historian. 

“Eventually, the practice evolved into pox parties or so-called ‘playdates’ of today,” the professor added.

“Whether or not one agrees with the practice of pox parties or the use of forward-facing baby car seats to that of the safer rear-facing ones for infant children under 24 months of age,” said a spokesman for the royal pair. “The Duke is merely carrying on with tradition.”

The Duke himself was exposed to various childhood diseases when his mother and father visited New Zealand, arranging then for his first ‘playdate’ some 30 years ago.

“I think it’s simply wonderful,” said Martha Smith, a 32-year-old New Zealander who attended both the Duke’s first playdate and now Prince George’s as well but as a mother. 

“This playdate,” continued Smith. “And the other one as well is just the Duke's way of drawing closer to us commoners. That he is. That he is. Sharing in the suffering of our filthy diseases, pestilence and plagues. I just wish he'd use a rear-facing baby car seat. At least while he’s in New Zealand. God save the Queen!”

Copyright © 2008-2014 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Kate to Kids of Skid Row: Keep Kissing Those Frogs Kids

Los Angeles, California –

“Keep kissing those frogs kids,” said Duchess Kate to a room packed with disadvantaged kids on skid row. “One of them just has to be your prince...”

The Duchess then went on to explain to the children of skid row the seriousness of their situation. And the near absolute zero possibility of their ever escaping the cycle of poverty, mental illness and drug abuse that got them there in the first place.

“Look around you,” said the Duchess. “No really. Take a good look around you. Go on. Do it now.”

As the children looked around the room lined wall to wall with the sorriest looking parents in the world for the first time, they realized the reason why they were among the poorest of the poor and they began to cry.

“No, no. Don’t cry,” said the Duchess. “It wasn’t my intention to make you cry. Only to be frank with you and give you a message of hope for the future. And you do all have a future.”

The Duchess Kate then signaled for her servants to bring in several large metal containers.

Soon the children forgot their tears as they gathered around the shiny metal boxes, their faces all lit up with curiosity for what was waiting for them inside.

“I bet you it’s a million dollars,” said one child.

“I just hope its food or clothes. Books even,” said another.

“Maybe…maybe its my daddy back from Iraq,” said a little girl, clutching a rag doll.

Giving another signal to her servants to lift the lids off the containers simultaneously, the Duchess ended all speculation.

All the children took a step back, reluctant to peer into the containers and end their curiosity for fear it would not meet their expectations, having been disappointed so many times in the past by other so-called do-gooders.

“Go on. Take a look,” said the Duchess Kate.

Finally, the little girl with the rag doll stepped forward and looked into the container.

“It's full of frogs,” said the little girl as she dropped her rag doll to reach down and pull out a frog.

“That’s right,” said the Duchess. “Frogs for you to kiss and find your prince like I found mine.”

All at once all the children rushed the containers and began pulling out frogs, kissing each and everyone on of them before discarding them to the floor where they contributed to the chaos and pandemonium by hopping all around and in-between the children’s’ feet.

The Duchess Kate even picked up several frogs herself, holding them up for kids to kiss.

“Nope,” said the Duchess. “That one is definitely not a prince. Try another.”

Soon a servant leaned over and whispered to the Duchess that it was time to depart. As the Duchess stood up to leave, she shouted a few words of encouragement.

“Keep kissing those frogs kids,” said Duchess Kate to a room packed with disadvantaged kids on skid row. “One of them just has to be your prince…or he owes you a dinner tonight.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Will and Kate Release 3-Day L.A. Whirlwind Tour on Commemorative Saucer (Not Plate)

Los Angeles, California --

Not since The Lakers had to cover the expense for their own parade out-of-pocket when they last won the NBA championship a couple of years back has a communal celebrated event swept so fast through the streets of Los Angeles, as this weekend’s visit from the royal couple: Will and Kate.

As if set to the music from the end credits of ‘The Benny Hill Show’ all sped up, Will and Kate (much like the abbreviated versions of their names) toured L.A. (much like our beloved city’s call letters) on the illegal drug, “Speed”.

“Sorry,” apologized a spokesman for the royal couple. “There just wasn’t enough time spent in L.A. to commit to the casting of a commemorative plate. So a commemorative saucer will have to be commissioned instead and will have to do. Enjoy.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Duchess Kate Wears ‘Pretty Woman’ Dress to Polo Match

Santa Barbara, California –

Wearing the very same sleeveless brown dress with white polka dots and matching white gloves and hat from the movie Pretty Woman, Duchess Kate walked the Polo grounds as guests of the royal affair just looked on with whispers, nervous coughs and dropped jaws.

“Oh my lord!” one heavyset woman finally cried out, as she held up her eyeglasses attached to a diamond studded handle, giving the Duchess the once over.

“You called?” interrupted Duke William on horseback.

“No, no,” said the stuffy woman. “You misunderstand me, my dear Duke. It’s your wife, the Duchess. She’s wearing the same dress as that, that prostitute wore in the movie, Pretty Woman.”

“Are you suggesting my wife dresses like a woman of ill repute?” said an angry Duke.

“No. My dear Duke,” replied the elderly woman. “It’s much more worse than that. The Duchess is wearing a dress that Julia Roberts already wore.”

“Yes,” said the Duke. “I see your point. I’ll have her change immediately.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.