BP to Plug Oil Well Using Golf Balls, Used Tires and iPod Zombies

New York, New York --

British Petroleum (BP) has announced today that it intends to cap the run away undersea oil well in the Gulf of Mexico beginning next week, using golf balls, used tires and iPod Zombies in an attempt to stop the gusher.

“We’re ready to go,” said a BP official, standing before a chart marked “Plan C” illustrating the plugging of the broken pipe with golf balls, used tires and darkened human silhouettes wearing the trademarked iPod white ear buds, taken from its very popular print media ad campaign. “However, in order to plug the well, we need something with a little buoyancy to it. And let’s face it, iPod Zombies provide just that.”

According to BP they have already begun rounding up iPod Zombies, picking them up jogging along the roadside, doing the wash at the laundromat and working on their screenplays at local caf├ęs; holding them in the hull of a hollowed out oil tanker somewhere offshore along the Louisiana coastline for transport.

“We setup a track and espresso bar for them. And made it Wi-Fi accessible,” said BP, claiming they have not received any complaints or missing persons reports. “So they’re very cooperative.”

BP testing proved that the iPod Zombies were able to endure the bone crushing depths and near zero temperature in the oxygen depleted waters one mile beneath the surface of the Gulf of Mexico.

“We’ve learned it’s all about making the right music selection,” BP said. “With the right song playing in their ears, iPod Zombies are either sufficiently distracted or highly motivated to do just about anything.”

Critics remain skeptical that BP’s latest attempt to stem the flow of oil will succeed.

“Sadly, BP’s iPod Zombie solution to the problem will only last as long as the batteries,” voiced one critic.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo