Showing posts with label Thanksgiving Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thanksgiving Day. Show all posts

The Real Story of Thanksgiving

Happy Native American Ethnic Cleansing Day!
I mean, Happy Thanksgiving Day!
Washington D.C.--

So accustomed were the pilgrims to having a thanksgiving feast to celebrate the return of a successful raiding party, fresh from a massacre (ethnic cleansing) of Indians (Native Americans), that it quickly became an American tradition, which continues to  be observed to this day, according to Professor Peter Wodsworth of American History at the Cassandra Institute of Foresight.

Very soon, a pilgrim came up with an idea to combine the two events.

“They must have thought to themselves, ‘Why should we have to go out and hunt down the Indians?’,” said Prof. Wodsworth. “‘When we can have them come to us?’”

The pilgrims sent word out to the remaining surviving Indians, inviting them to a 'Thanksgiving' dinner. But no one took them up on the offer.

After years of broken promises, the pilgrims knew they had to do something different to regain the trust of the red man.

“So they commissioned an artist to make an oil painting of a mock Thanksgiving dinner,” said Prof. Wodsworth.

In that oil painting, pilgrims appeared to be peacefully sharing a meal, eating turkey with Indians. 

“Only they were really breaking bread with other pilgrims merely disguised as Indians and dressed up as turkeys,” said Prof. Wodsworth. 

The pilgrims then circulated the fake first Thanksgiving painting throughout the frontier.

“Some copies still survive to this day,” said Prof. Wodsworth. “You may have encountered them yourself as a child in elementary school.”

Leery of the White man but even more wearier of war, the Indians reluctantly accepted the dinner invitation.

“Anticipating that the Indians expected to be immediately attacked the minute they entered the township,” said Prof. Wodsworth. “The pilgrims instead lured them into a false sense of security by feeding them, even stuffing them at first before killed them.”

Once the Indians ate the turkey and began to nod off from the chemical effects of the tryptophan, the pilgrims would sneak up on them, killing them in their sleep.  

“Many more were murdered in a deadly game of Bobbing for Apples," said Prof. Wodsworth. "Or for an unpaid wager to friends in a so-called friendly game of Thanksgiving Day football pool.” 

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo Courtesy of:

Really, Really Bad Thanksgiving Day Joke #1

Q: How does a turkey search the web?

A: Google, google.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo Courtesy of:

Willie Nelson’s Lawyer Argues: Willie’s Pot Really His Special Blend of Kentucky Bluegrass

Some Willie Nelson Supporters
outside a "Free Willie" rally

Dallas, Texas --

After analyzing the so-called cannabis contraband found on Willie Nelson's person, Austin border police have been forced to reconsider lessening the marijuana possession charge against the world renown country signer, or even dropping it altogether.

Border police busted Nelson the day after Thanksgiving when they found what they thought was marijuana, stuffed into a live turkey he was carrying under his arm.

“He tried convincing the police that he recently converted to vegetarianism,” said Martha Maryweather who was standing behind Willie Nelson when he was arrested. “And that he had just rescued that turkey he was carrying under his arm from a thanksgiving dinner he was invited to by his friends. But the police didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe him either. They thought he was high on pot. We all thought he was high on pot. You know, having one of those ‘Reefer Madness’ moments.”

Unfortunately the turkey did not survive the police interrogation and expired sometime during a full body cavity search.

“No doubt succumbing to ingesting 2 out of the 6 ounces of cannabis Mr. Nelson stuffed into its body,” said police.

However, Mr. Nelson will not be facing any animal cruelty charges. As the animal he selected to plant the alleged illegal substance was a turkey and it was on or near Thanksgiving Day.

“Also,” added police. “As cannabis or pot, as it is known by its street name, is classified as an herb. It’s therefore technically considered a dressing. In fact, my wife uses it all the time…the herb dressing, I mean. Not the pot.”

“Initially the field test conducted on the remaining alleged illegal substance retrieved from the turkey Mr. Nelson was transporting under his arm came back positive,” said authorities. “However, subsequent test results have been mixed at best.”

Authorities are still not saying much as to what the “alleged illegal substance” Nelson was carrying, if not pot. However, his lawyer did at a “Free Willie” rally, taking center stage wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt.

“My client [Willie Nelson] is innocent!” said Jerry Stromburger, Nelson’s attorney and Dead Head as he nearly stumbled off the stage. “That’s all I wanted to say, man. He’s innocent! Wait a minute…Who’s innocent again?”

Mr. Stromburger then wandered off backstage into a cloud of cannabis before reemerging from it a few minutes later, escorted back to the microphone with the assistance of two scantily clad young blonde women, wearing little more clothing than their Willie Nelson style rainbow colored headbands.

A surprisingly suddenly sober Stromburger then read from a prepared statement filled with legalese.

“At no time was my client, William Nelson, in the possession of the aforementioned alleged illegal substance,” said Mr. Stromburger, looking down his nose through a pair of reading glasses at the paper he held steadily in his hand. “Rather my client was in possession of a special blend of Kentucky Bluegrass, which my client currently holds patent pending rights to. If you have any questions, please address them to my office during business hours. I thank you.”

With that, Mr. Stromburger exited the stage. Again, escorted by the same two scanty clad blondes as before, back into the cannabis fogbank.

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Imposter Turkeys Get Presidential Pardon -- Really Salahi White House Gatecrashers in Disguise!

"Release the hounds!"

Washington, D.C. --

Law enforcement agents began investigating another White House gate-crashing incident today, allegedly perpetrated by the Salahis during last week’s presidential turkey pardoning ceremony.

Earlier in the year, the same couple, Tareq and Michaele, stepped into the national spotlight when they stepped out for an evening on the town, showing up at, of all places, a formal White House function hosted by the Obamas, claiming to be their invited guests.

“We want to know exactly how the Salahis alluded White House security for a second time this year,” said police.

It is believed this time the Salahis used a pair of crudely fashioned turkey costumes to gain unlimited access to the White House event.

Authorities were first alerted that something was wrong by a volunteer who works at the turkey sanctuary where the pardoned fowls are traditionally sent to live out their natural lives, upon return of a promotional tour of Disneyland in California. Which half of the birds are not expected to survive the first year, due to their generically alerted makeup.

“I found the turkey costumes out back, behind the barn,” said Wilbur Matthews of the Second Chance turkey sanctuary. “It seemed strange to me that a turkey would shed their skin like that. Let alone two turkeys. So I called the police.”

“It’s clear by the security tape taken from the Baltimore-Washington Intentional Airport that the Salahis hijacked the motor vehicle transporting my clients…I mean, umm, the pair of White Hollands [the turkeys],” said Special Agent, Mark Ford, who was assigned to Apple and Cider, ever since they hatched.

Special Angent Ford was scheduled to escort the fowl to the White House ceremony where they were expected to receive a full presidential pardon. That was, however, before he lost track of them at the airport.

A review of the White House security tape showed the Salahis driving the delivery truck pass the guardhouse and onto the White House grounds with a military precession that law enforcement professionals will be, in all likelihood, studying for years to come.

“Sometime after pulling the truck up to the back of the White House service entrance, the Salahis changed into two custom made 14-pound turkey suits,” explained Special Agent Ford. “And then they proceeded to the Rose Garden with the assistance of a kitchen staff member.”

As Special Agent Ford said, after pulling up to the service entrance the Salahis quickly changed into their turkey suits, honked the horn and yelled out of the back door of the truck, calling for assistance.

“All I heard was, ‘Hey! Somebody come get these birds before they spoil!” said Manuel Sanchez, an assistant chef who unwittingly carried the Salahis to the Rose Garden to pose for photographs with the president.

“You mean there were people inside those tiny bird cages?” said a surprised Sanchez. “No wonder they were so heavy, man. I should get paid overtime or something. Instead Obama wants to freeze my wages. Can you believe it, man?"

Unfortunately the Salahis’ deception was not discovered until after the conclusion of the pardoning ceremony, which resulted in the demise of the real Apple and Cider.

“We recovered their bodies…” said Special Agent Ford, who became verklempt, appearing visibly shaken as he spoke. “Or what was left of them.”

Apple and Cider were found in a refrigerator at a private residence outside the beltway the day after Thanksgiving.

“They were smothered…in gravy,” said Special Agent Ford as he broke down weeping.

An autopsy will be preformed on the uneaten remains to determine the official cause of death, however, initial findings point to three probable causes: sudden blunt force trauma to the head, decapitation and heat exhaustion.

“I’m hoping…they didn’t suffer,” said an inconsolable Special Agent Ford.

As for the Salahis, they have been summonsed to appear before a Congressional Hearing, again. However, it is believed they will escape any criminal prosecution.

“Even if we charged them with simple trespassing, it wouldn’t stick,” said spokesman for the Department of Justice. “Because they got a [BLEEP] damn presidential pardon!”

The discarded turkey suits will be sent to an undisclosed location somewhere in West Virginia.

“They will be analyzed there for any further evidence,” said a spokesman for the Secret Service. “And then destroyed by fire.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

TSA’s Giant Blue Latex Glove Balloon Gropes Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

The TSA says: "Hello Kitty"?!
New York, New York --

What can only be described as sheer terror broke out among the thousand of spectators lining the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade route today as they witnessed this year’s Transportation Security Administration (TSA) entry – A Giant Blue Latex Glove -- turn the corner onto 34th Street, floating above their heads, slowly headed their way.

“I thought we left that thing back at LaGuardia,” said Mark Gomez as he fled the parade attempting to save his 9-year-old daughter, Virginia, from a traumatic groping or full mechanical radioactive body scan. “I mean -- Oh the humanity!”

People scattered about the parade route, dodging into buildings and climbing lamp posts attempting to hitch a ride onto the backs of one of the other giant balloons, hoping to escape the giant TSA blue latex glove, though it was to no avail. Eventually it caught up to them…in the end, frisking and groping them for contraband and weapons of mass distraction of any kind.

TSA’s two-story tall inflatable gloved entry was one of 15 giant balloons and 43 novelty balloons participating in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, said parade planning officials.

According to witnesses, the giant blue latex glove first went out of control when the wind changed direction causing the giant “Hello Kitty” balloon to brush up against it.

“I just don’t get it,” said one TSA balloon handler. “The same thing happened earlier in the day with the giant ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ balloon and nothing happened then.”

Sparks were reportedly seen by parade goers when the TSA balloon came into contact with “Hello Kitty” balloon, causing concern for a real chance of electrical shock.

“The amount of static electricity generated from the friction of those giant balloons could have taken out half the crowd,” later said a concerned parade official.

Fortunately, the clap…of thunder that the static electricity produced pushed the balloons apart, resulting in a micro storm front. That took the form of a little black cloud that hovered over the giant TSA blue latex glove for the rest of the parade.

Terrified witnesses watched helplessly as the TSA’s floating terror and accompanying black cloud headed for two giant hovering pumpkin balloons further down the parade route.

“It must have mistaken them for a giant pair of orange testicles,” said a parade goer, as she unwittingly witnessed the world fist and biggest airborne medical examination. “I swear I heard the giant TSA glove say to the pumpkins, ‘Please turn your head to the left and cough.”

After the incident, hundreds attempted to file a police report, alleging they all felt violated by the experience. However, they were turned away. Told it was a civil matter and handed a bottle of K-Y Jelly instead.

“There’s not enough water-base, water-soluble personal lubricant in the world,” said a traumatized parade spectator, laying alongside the parade route in the fetal position.

To everybody’s relief, the giant rogue TSA glove was finally halted when handlers of the “Tom Turkey” novelty balloon got an idea.

“We maneuvered ‘Tom Turkey’ right in front of the TSA glove,” said a Tom Turkey balloon handler. “And then we made it wiggle its tail feathers, making gobble, gobble turkey sounds too.”

Apparently, when the TSA glove got wind the ‘Tom Turkey’ novelty balloon it just could not resist and headed straight for it, dragging along its handlers behind it.

With all five fingers squeezed together, forming a cone like missile tip, it rammed its way all the way up the posterior of ‘Tom Turkey’, trapping itself there.

“It reminded me of the bird we have cooking in the oven back home,” said Gomez. “I, umm, think we’ll stop off somewhere and pickup a ham for dinner instead.”

“It reminded me more of a scene from ‘The Incredibles’ movie,” said Virginia. “You know, when ‘Mr. Incredible’ released that rocket claw into the heart of the giant metal ball robot. Yeah, it was more like that.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All Rights Reserved.

Photo(s) courtesy of