Giant Garfield Balloon Explodes: Not Lasagna! Philly Cheesesteaks!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania --

After a smear campaign to blame Garfield’s love of lasagna for his sudden eruption, while being inflated before the Philadelphia Thanksgiving Day parade began, a balloon autopsy has revealed the real cause: one too many Philly Cheesesteaks.

Garfield’s balloon handlers quickly confessed to their failed cover-up story, shortly after parade officials called in the police to investigate the incident.

The balloon handlers said to police that they were tired of living in the shadow of New York’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. And devised the cover-up story to protect the reputation of the nation’s oldest, which dates back to 1920, the Philadelphia Thanksgiving Day parade.

“Why should New York get all the glory?” said one balloon handler as he was hauled away by police in handcuffs. “We started it all.”

Garfield’s balloon handlers said they had been partying the night before and ordered Philly Cheesesteaks in an attempt to sober up quickly.

“We had so many sandwiches leftover,” said a balloon handler. “And we didn’t want to throw them away.”

So the balloon handlers thought to place them inside Garfield for safekeeping, planning to retrieve them later after the parade.

“I guess we drank a little more than we thought,” said a balloon handler. “Because it really sounded like a good idea at the time.”

After stuffing the blow-up cartoon feline effigy with Philly Cheesesteaks, the balloon handers proceeded to inflate him with helium.

“He began to bellow almost immediately,” said one balloon handler.

The giant Garfield balloon was not even a third of the way into being inflated when it began to swell up to full capacity on its own.

“I guess it was the extra cheese we ordered,” shouted out a Garfield balloon hander from the back of a police cruiser.

Suddenly, Garfield exploded. Sending submarine sandwich shaped projectiles in the air.

Fortunately, the flying Philly Cheesesteaks struck only a few early birds that lined the parade route. Some resulting in injuries so serious that they required hospitalization.

“However, the injuries sustained were non-life threatening,” said police. “All for strained vocal cords, due to over exposure to helium.”

“If Garfield would have exploded later, during the parade,” parade officials speculated. “The causalities of high-pitched squeaky voices could have been in the thousands and unbearable.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

TSA’s Giant Blue Latex Glove Balloon Gropes Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

 

The TSA says: "Hello Kitty"?!

   
New York, New York --

What can only be described as sheer terror broke out among the thousand of spectators lining the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade route today as they witnessed this year’s Transportation Security Administration (TSA) entry – A Giant Blue Latex Glove -- turn the corner onto 34th Street, floating above their heads, slowly headed their way.

“I thought we left that thing back at LaGuardia,” said Mark Gomez as he fled the parade attempting to save his 9-year-old daughter, Virginia, from a traumatic groping or full mechanical radioactive body scan. “I mean -- Oh the humanity!”

People scattered about the parade route, dodging into buildings and climbing lamp posts attempting to hitch a ride onto the backs of one of the other giant balloons, hoping to escape the giant TSA blue latex glove, though it was to no avail. Eventually it caught up to them…in the end, frisking and groping them for contraband and weapons of mass distraction of any kind.

TSA’s two-story tall inflatable gloved entry was one of 15 giant balloons and 43 novelty balloons participating in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, said parade planning officials.

According to witnesses, the giant blue latex glove first went out of control when the wind changed direction causing the giant “Hello Kitty” balloon to brush up against it.

“I just don’t get it,” said one TSA balloon handler. “The same thing happened earlier in the day with the giant ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ balloon and nothing happened then.”

Sparks were reportedly seen by parade goers when the TSA balloon came into contact with “Hello Kitty” balloon, causing concern for a real chance of electrical shock.

“The amount of static electricity generated from the friction of those giant balloons could have taken out half the crowd,” later said a concerned parade official.

Fortunately, the clap…of thunder that the static electricity produced pushed the balloons apart, resulting in a micro storm front. That took the form of a little black cloud that hovered over the giant TSA blue latex glove for the rest of the parade.

Terrified witnesses watched helplessly as the TSA’s floating terror and accompanying black cloud headed for two giant hovering pumpkin balloons further down the parade route.

“It must have mistaken them for a giant pair of orange testicles,” said a parade goer, as she unwittingly witnessed the world fist and biggest airborne medical examination. “I swear I heard the giant TSA glove say to the pumpkins, ‘Please turn your head to the left and cough.”

After the incident, hundreds attempted to file a police report, alleging they all felt violated by the experience. However, they were turned away. Told it was a civil matter and handed a bottle of K-Y Jelly instead.

“There’s not enough water-base, water-soluble personal lubricant in the world,” said a traumatized parade spectator, laying alongside the parade route in the fetal position.

To everybody’s relief, the giant rogue TSA glove was finally halted when handlers of the “Tom Turkey” novelty balloon got an idea.

“We maneuvered ‘Tom Turkey’ right in front of the TSA glove,” said a Tom Turkey balloon handler. “And then we made it wiggle its tail feathers, making gobble, gobble turkey sounds too.”

Apparently, when the TSA glove got wind the ‘Tom Turkey’ novelty balloon it just could not resist and headed straight for it, dragging along its handlers behind it.

With all five fingers squeezed together, forming a cone like missile tip, it rammed its way all the way up the posterior of ‘Tom Turkey’, trapping itself there.

“It reminded me of the bird we have cooking in the oven back home,” said Gomez. “I, umm, think we’ll stop off somewhere and pickup a ham for dinner instead.”

“It reminded me more of a scene from ‘The Incredibles’ movie,” said Virginia. “You know, when ‘Mr. Incredible’ released that rocket claw into the heart of the giant metal ball robot. Yeah, it was more like that.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All Rights Reserved.

Photo(s) courtesy of http://publicdomainclip-art.blogspot.com/