Showing posts with label TSA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TSA. Show all posts

TSA’s Giant Blue Latex Glove Balloon Gropes Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

The TSA says: "Hello Kitty"?!
New York, New York --

What can only be described as sheer terror broke out among the thousand of spectators lining the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade route today as they witnessed this year’s Transportation Security Administration (TSA) entry – A Giant Blue Latex Glove -- turn the corner onto 34th Street, floating above their heads, slowly headed their way.

“I thought we left that thing back at LaGuardia,” said Mark Gomez as he fled the parade attempting to save his 9-year-old daughter, Virginia, from a traumatic groping or full mechanical radioactive body scan. “I mean -- Oh the humanity!”

People scattered about the parade route, dodging into buildings and climbing lamp posts attempting to hitch a ride onto the backs of one of the other giant balloons, hoping to escape the giant TSA blue latex glove, though it was to no avail. Eventually it caught up to them…in the end, frisking and groping them for contraband and weapons of mass distraction of any kind.

TSA’s two-story tall inflatable gloved entry was one of 15 giant balloons and 43 novelty balloons participating in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, said parade planning officials.

According to witnesses, the giant blue latex glove first went out of control when the wind changed direction causing the giant “Hello Kitty” balloon to brush up against it.

“I just don’t get it,” said one TSA balloon handler. “The same thing happened earlier in the day with the giant ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ balloon and nothing happened then.”

Sparks were reportedly seen by parade goers when the TSA balloon came into contact with “Hello Kitty” balloon, causing concern for a real chance of electrical shock.

“The amount of static electricity generated from the friction of those giant balloons could have taken out half the crowd,” later said a concerned parade official.

Fortunately, the clap…of thunder that the static electricity produced pushed the balloons apart, resulting in a micro storm front. That took the form of a little black cloud that hovered over the giant TSA blue latex glove for the rest of the parade.

Terrified witnesses watched helplessly as the TSA’s floating terror and accompanying black cloud headed for two giant hovering pumpkin balloons further down the parade route.

“It must have mistaken them for a giant pair of orange testicles,” said a parade goer, as she unwittingly witnessed the world fist and biggest airborne medical examination. “I swear I heard the giant TSA glove say to the pumpkins, ‘Please turn your head to the left and cough.”

After the incident, hundreds attempted to file a police report, alleging they all felt violated by the experience. However, they were turned away. Told it was a civil matter and handed a bottle of K-Y Jelly instead.

“There’s not enough water-base, water-soluble personal lubricant in the world,” said a traumatized parade spectator, laying alongside the parade route in the fetal position.

To everybody’s relief, the giant rogue TSA glove was finally halted when handlers of the “Tom Turkey” novelty balloon got an idea.

“We maneuvered ‘Tom Turkey’ right in front of the TSA glove,” said a Tom Turkey balloon handler. “And then we made it wiggle its tail feathers, making gobble, gobble turkey sounds too.”

Apparently, when the TSA glove got wind the ‘Tom Turkey’ novelty balloon it just could not resist and headed straight for it, dragging along its handlers behind it.

With all five fingers squeezed together, forming a cone like missile tip, it rammed its way all the way up the posterior of ‘Tom Turkey’, trapping itself there.

“It reminded me of the bird we have cooking in the oven back home,” said Gomez. “I, umm, think we’ll stop off somewhere and pickup a ham for dinner instead.”

“It reminded me more of a scene from ‘The Incredibles’ movie,” said Virginia. “You know, when ‘Mr. Incredible’ released that rocket claw into the heart of the giant metal ball robot. Yeah, it was more like that.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All Rights Reserved.

Photo(s) courtesy of

TSA to Issue Flowers and Chocolates at Security Checkpoints

About last night....

Washington, D.C. --

Desperate to deal with the growing public outrage over its new enhanced security pat down procedure that is openly referred to as “Groping” by airline passengers, and its full radiated body scan that leaves nothing to the imagination, seeing right through clothing rendering the person naked with images popping up on the Internet despite promises of privacy, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is activity engaged in a public relation’s campaign to placate the masses.

“We got the idea to give out chocolates bars from our solders during World War II, who handed out candy to children in countries we liberated,” said a spokesman for the TSA. “Also, out of a suggestion box from one of our employees who is quite experienced in having a number of dates gone wrong.”

TSA agents are instructed to handout gift certificates for chocolate to men who have been through the full body scan and gift certificates for flowers to women who have been disproportionately traumatized by the pat down screening.

“Chocolates?” said Albert Mathews, having recently opted for a full mechanical body scan. “I don’t need chocolates; I need a good stiff drink.

Mr. Mathews later added that if he would have known he was going to be exposed to such an intensive dose of radiation in his private parts region, he would have taken precautions before arriving at the airport.

“I would’ve stopped off at a sperm bank and made a substantial donation first,” said Mr. Mathews.

“Well, I guess the flowers are a nice idea,” said Mrs. Jane Miller, 36, mother of two, who had to be placed into a wheelchair unable to stand, much less walk on her own power, after receiving a pat down by TSA agents. “I mean after a search like that, I couldn’t hold anything down in my stomach anyway.”

TSA gift certificates can be redeemed at any major participating retailer (subject to availability).

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo

TSA to Hire ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ as Full-Body Scanners

Washington, D.C. --

Following the Dutch government’s lead to beef up security in light of the so-called underwear bomber by deploying full-body scanners, which electronically detects atomized trace elements of explosives on would-be terrorists with a puff of air, at all their airports, Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials have announced today that they will be employing something far more reliable: ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ to mentally scan the minds of passengers for any terrorist thoughts.

“Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ will take up their positions alongside TSA agents,” said a TSA official. “And while passengers wait just to see their luggage being x-rayed, physically inspected, mishandled and ultimately misplaced, they will have their brain waves scanned as well for any terrorist thoughts.”

“All while they stand in line talking on their cell phones with a psychic friend, killing two birds with one stone,” added a spokesperson for ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’.

“Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ has a proven track record of success,” said a spokesman for Homeland Security. “Not like those unproven, unreliable mechanical full-body scanners based on ever-changing Age of Enlightenment technology.”

The decision to use psychics, instead of machines, is based on a pilot program that proved very successful when mediums were secretly placed throughout Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) locations in Southern California in order to improve security there by scanning the minds of civilians for terrorist thoughts after standing in long lines for hours on end.

"You wouldn't believe how many terrorists we apprehended in just the first hour," said a Psychic Friend. "And none of them by using the controversial police racial profiling technique either."

“I never even knew I was a terrorist,” said Marie Huntington an 87-year-old woman attempting to renew her license. “Not until I came here and that nice young woman over there came up to me, tapped me on my shoulder, pulled me out of line, handcuffed me and put a black hood over my head and told me I was one.”

After being water boarded for an hour, Mrs. Huntington said she came to her senses and realized her ‘Psychic Friend’ was right.

“Believe me, if her thoughts wouldn’t have killed,” said the Psychic Friend who scanned Mrs. Huntington. “Putting her behind the wheel of a one ton vehicle would have.”

The psychic scanning pilot program was so successful that ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ even caught one of their own in their mental dragnet.

“We were randomly scanning the line of people when we picked up terrorist thoughts originating from one of our own,” confirmed a Psychic Friend.

Michelle Baker, a member of the psychic friends network since the 1990s, was trying to renew her California identification card on her day off when her fellow co-workers picked up her incriminating thoughts while she stood in line at the DMV.

“I knew I was having terrorist thoughts,” said Mrs. Baker as she was being placed under arrest for generating destructive delta brain waves against a government agency, after spending the better part of the morning standing in line just to get a service number. “I tried to block them out, but I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t.”

Initial data complied so far seems to indicate a direct correlation between the amount of time people had to wait in line at the DMV and the number of terrorist thoughts being generated.

“We’re confident that’s just an anomaly,” said a spokesman for the TSA. “We don’t expect to find any so-called ‘waiting time slash terrorist thoughts correlation’ in our program. Excuse me...I have to relocate all these terrorists out to the tarmac until the police get here to take them off my hands.”

Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo