Showing posts with label Salahi gatecrashers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Salahi gatecrashers. Show all posts

Imposter Turkeys Get Presidential Pardon -- Really Salahi White House Gatecrashers in Disguise!

"Release the hounds!"

Washington, D.C. --

Law enforcement agents began investigating another White House gate-crashing incident today, allegedly perpetrated by the Salahis during last week’s presidential turkey pardoning ceremony.

Earlier in the year, the same couple, Tareq and Michaele, stepped into the national spotlight when they stepped out for an evening on the town, showing up at, of all places, a formal White House function hosted by the Obamas, claiming to be their invited guests.

“We want to know exactly how the Salahis alluded White House security for a second time this year,” said police.

It is believed this time the Salahis used a pair of crudely fashioned turkey costumes to gain unlimited access to the White House event.

Authorities were first alerted that something was wrong by a volunteer who works at the turkey sanctuary where the pardoned fowls are traditionally sent to live out their natural lives, upon return of a promotional tour of Disneyland in California. Which half of the birds are not expected to survive the first year, due to their generically alerted makeup.

“I found the turkey costumes out back, behind the barn,” said Wilbur Matthews of the Second Chance turkey sanctuary. “It seemed strange to me that a turkey would shed their skin like that. Let alone two turkeys. So I called the police.”

“It’s clear by the security tape taken from the Baltimore-Washington Intentional Airport that the Salahis hijacked the motor vehicle transporting my clients…I mean, umm, the pair of White Hollands [the turkeys],” said Special Agent, Mark Ford, who was assigned to Apple and Cider, ever since they hatched.

Special Angent Ford was scheduled to escort the fowl to the White House ceremony where they were expected to receive a full presidential pardon. That was, however, before he lost track of them at the airport.

A review of the White House security tape showed the Salahis driving the delivery truck pass the guardhouse and onto the White House grounds with a military precession that law enforcement professionals will be, in all likelihood, studying for years to come.

“Sometime after pulling the truck up to the back of the White House service entrance, the Salahis changed into two custom made 14-pound turkey suits,” explained Special Agent Ford. “And then they proceeded to the Rose Garden with the assistance of a kitchen staff member.”

As Special Agent Ford said, after pulling up to the service entrance the Salahis quickly changed into their turkey suits, honked the horn and yelled out of the back door of the truck, calling for assistance.

“All I heard was, ‘Hey! Somebody come get these birds before they spoil!” said Manuel Sanchez, an assistant chef who unwittingly carried the Salahis to the Rose Garden to pose for photographs with the president.

“You mean there were people inside those tiny bird cages?” said a surprised Sanchez. “No wonder they were so heavy, man. I should get paid overtime or something. Instead Obama wants to freeze my wages. Can you believe it, man?"

Unfortunately the Salahis’ deception was not discovered until after the conclusion of the pardoning ceremony, which resulted in the demise of the real Apple and Cider.

“We recovered their bodies…” said Special Agent Ford, who became verklempt, appearing visibly shaken as he spoke. “Or what was left of them.”

Apple and Cider were found in a refrigerator at a private residence outside the beltway the day after Thanksgiving.

“They were smothered…in gravy,” said Special Agent Ford as he broke down weeping.

An autopsy will be preformed on the uneaten remains to determine the official cause of death, however, initial findings point to three probable causes: sudden blunt force trauma to the head, decapitation and heat exhaustion.

“I’m hoping…they didn’t suffer,” said an inconsolable Special Agent Ford.

As for the Salahis, they have been summonsed to appear before a Congressional Hearing, again. However, it is believed they will escape any criminal prosecution.

“Even if we charged them with simple trespassing, it wouldn’t stick,” said spokesman for the Department of Justice. “Because they got a [BLEEP] damn presidential pardon!”

The discarded turkey suits will be sent to an undisclosed location somewhere in West Virginia.

“They will be analyzed there for any further evidence,” said a spokesman for the Secret Service. “And then destroyed by fire.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.