Despite being retired for years, today McDonald's ‘Hamburglar’ was implicated by the woman claiming to be the Mega Millions lotto winner for over a week now, although she has yet to produce any evidence of ownership of the lucky ticket.
“I was siting there under the golden arches,” now claims the Maryland woman, 37. “Minding my own business, sharing a Happy Meal with all 7 of my kids when the ‘Hamburglar’ sneaked up behind me and snatched the ticket out of my hand.”
The ‘Hambuglar’ then ran out of the McDonald’s restaurant.
The Maryland woman said she did not give chase because she was confident she would find the winning ticket in the parking lot somewhere.
“He probably dropped it on the way out,” said the self-proclaimed lotto winner, apparently expecting to pick it up off the floor.
The ‘Hamburgler’, who chose to respond to the accusation through his defense attorney, retired from the McDonald’s Corporation years ago.
After it was determined that he was contributing to children’s food insecurity by making them fearful that their food was about to be stolen from them by a little masked man.
The 'Hamburglar' then went to work as a lobbyist for the fast-food industry.
“My client is morally outraged and is currently considering legal action for defamation of character and slander,” said the ‘Hambuglar’s’ defensive attorney. “He has paid his debt to society for his former life of crime and is now gainfully employed as a lobbyist on K Street right here in Washington, D.C.”
The defense attorney then reminded everyone that his client is innocent until proven guilty.
“Besides,” added the defense attorney before drawing attention to a giant projector screen. “He has an airtight alibi.”
The attorney then rolled footage taken from a security camera that showed the ‘Hamburglar’ talking to several Congressmen in the lobby of the House of Representatives on Capitol Hill.
Although the ‘Hamburglar’ had his back to the camera there was no mistaking him for anyone but himself, as he was wearing his distinctive trademark clothing: a black hat, eye mask and cape. Red gloves and tie with a black and white striped prison uniform.
“As you can see my client couldn’t have stolen that Mega Millions lotto ticket,” said the defense attorney. “He was just too busy doing his job, lobbying our elective representatives.”
The ‘Hamburglar’ then turned, facing the security camera. He was wearing a T-shirt that read: “Remember, Vote Yes for ‘Pink Slime’!”
“I’m not worried about being sued,’ said the Maryland woman. “Because when I find my winning ticket, I’ll hire the best lawyer my Mega Millions lotto money can buy. Or better yet, the best lobbyist on K Street. By the way, have you seen my winning lotto ticket?”
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