McDonald’s Mega Millions Lotto Winner: “The ‘Hamburglar’ Stole My Ticket!”

Washington, D.C. –

Despite being retired for years, today McDonald's ‘Hamburglar’ was implicated by the woman claiming to be the Mega Millions lotto winner for over a week now, although she has yet to produce any evidence of ownership of the lucky ticket.

“I was siting there under the golden arches,” now claims the Maryland woman, 37. “Minding my own business, sharing a Happy Meal with all 7 of my kids when the ‘Hamburglar’ sneaked up behind me and snatched the ticket out of my hand.”

The ‘Hambuglar’ then ran out of the McDonald’s restaurant.

The Maryland woman said she did not give chase because she was confident she would find the winning ticket in the parking lot somewhere.

“He probably dropped it on the way out,” said the self-proclaimed lotto winner, apparently expecting to pick it up off the floor.

The ‘Hamburgler’, who chose to respond to the accusation through his defense attorney, retired from the McDonald’s Corporation years ago.

After it was determined that he was contributing to children’s food insecurity by making them fearful that their food was about to be stolen from them by a little masked man.

The 'Hamburglar' then went to work as a lobbyist for the fast-food industry.

“My client is morally outraged and is currently considering legal action for defamation of character and slander,” said the ‘Hambuglar’s’ defensive attorney. “He has paid his debt to society for his former life of crime and is now gainfully employed as a lobbyist on K Street right here in Washington, D.C.”

The defense attorney then reminded everyone that his client is innocent until proven guilty.

“Besides,” added the defense attorney before drawing attention to a giant projector screen. “He has an airtight alibi.”

The attorney then rolled footage taken from a security camera that showed the ‘Hamburglar’ talking to several Congressmen in the lobby of the House of Representatives on Capitol Hill.

Although the ‘Hamburglar’ had his back to the camera there was no mistaking him for anyone but himself, as he was wearing his distinctive trademark clothing: a black hat, eye mask and cape. Red gloves and tie with a black and white striped prison uniform.

“As you can see my client couldn’t have stolen that Mega Millions lotto ticket,” said the defense attorney. “He was just too busy doing his job, lobbying our elective representatives.”

The ‘Hamburglar’ then turned, facing the security camera. He was wearing a T-shirt that read: “Remember, Vote Yes for ‘Pink Slime’!”

“I’m not worried about being sued,’ said the Maryland woman. “Because when I find my winning ticket, I’ll hire the best lawyer my Mega Millions lotto money can buy. Or better yet, the best lobbyist on K Street. By the way, have you seen my winning lotto ticket?”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘Pink Slime’ Joke #2

Q: What’s the Pope’s official designation for the paranormal scientific term for positively charged bovine ectoplasm, the beef byproduct made of trimmed fat and nerve tissue treated with ammonia that the meat industry is calling ‘lean, finely textured meat’, or more popularly known as ‘Pink Slime’?



A: Holy Cow!

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘Pink Slime’ Joke #1

Q: What’s the paranormal scientific term for the beef byproduct made of trimmed fat and nerve tissue treated with ammonia that the meat industry is calling ‘lean, finely textured meat’ or more popularly known as ‘Pink Slime’?



A: Positively Charged Bovine Ectoplasm.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘Pink Slime’ Positively Charged Bovine Ectoplasm -- “Don’t Worry Be Happy”

New York, New York –

Millions of Americans have absolutely no need for concern over the presence of Pink Slime in their beef. In fact, if you are not already beginning to feel good about Pink Slime chances are by the end of this story you will be. Why? You may still care to ask. Because it has been positively charged with good emotions.

“You see,” said a spokesman for the meat industry. “Before humanely putting down [killing] the cattle in many of our ergonomic processing facilities [slaughterhouses], we have two Catholic priests, a young one and an old, perform an exorcism on the bovine. Expelling all the demonic forces that taint the meat and haunt the byproduct of lean, finely textured meat [Pink Slime].”

As the bovines are slaughtered, positive images are projected onto the walls of the killing room, synchronized to a soundtrack playing, “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin (1988).

“And not just any positive images,” said a spokesman for the USDA. “But good wholesome images of American.”

One-by-one as the cattle are humanely electrocuted to death, images of Americana flash before their tear-filled brown eyes, as blood splatters on the walls of the killing room.

Images of apple pie, kids playing baseball in a dusty vacant lot and grandma knitting a quilt, while rocking back-and-forth next to a cool pitcher of lemonade on a nearby table on a porch on a hot summer’s day.

Once the blood is drained and the cattle carcasses are cut up, the fat and nerve tissue, which was once used solely in dog food, is subjected to further processing making it fit for human consumption.

“Now that’s progress,” said the meat industry spokesman.

Still possessed by demonic forces, however, the Pink Slime is then rendered inert by one final step in the processing.

“We sprinkle it with holy water,” said the meat industry spokesman, who later recanted. “Actually, it's ammonia-treated water blessed by a priest.”

However, by the end of this final processing, the Pink Slime is still possessed.

"Only this time, it is by supernatural forces with good attitudes and positive outlooks on their past lives," said the meat industry spokesman.

“Holy Cow!” exclaimed Marvin Munkmier, who no longer cares what they put into his beef. “This meat not only tastes good. It makes me feel good too.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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