By Robert W. Armijo
“As a comedian, you know you got a real serious Trump-bashing joke problem when members of your own live studio audience take a drink every time you make a President Trump joke,” Jimmy Kimmel said, while standing before an array of press microphones outside the rehab felicity he was voluntarily entering to seek help to overcome his Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) affliction.
Jimmy Kimmel made the shocking discovery earlier this season after taping his late night talk show last week.
“We tried to keep it from Jimmy as long as we could,” said the popular late night comedic TV show’s chief of parking lot security guard, sidekick and friend, Guillermo Rodriguez.
Guillermo along with other staff members and crew noticed that since the election of President Trump, Kimmel had been dedicating more and more of his opening monologue to Trump-bashing jokes.
“Jimmy is always funny,” said Guillermo. “But his Trump-bashing jokes have been excessive and they have had a costly negative impact on his audience at home and even on the live studio audience.”
Guillermo had attempted an intervention to address Kimmel’s TDS problem.
“It was no use,” said Guillermo. “Like others stricken with a chemical dependency, he denied he had a problem.”
Kimmel became so enraged by the attempted intervention that he even accused Guillermo of voting for Trump.
“That really hurt,” said Guillermo. “There was no call for that. But he is my friend and he is sick and doesn’t know what he is saying. I will forgive him one day, but only if he gets help for his TDS.”
As weeks turned into months and months into years, Kimmel’s monologue was now almost exclusively dedicated to Trump-bashing jokes.
“We were all holding out for the Mueller report,” said Guillermo. “That way Jimmy could finally move on and return to writing regular jokes. I like his White people jokes the most. I wish he would do those again. They’re so funny, because they’re true.”
For a while, during the Mueller Congressional hearings, Kimmel stopped writing Trump-bashing jokes, convinced President Trump would be impeached.
“That was the happiest week we had in years,” said Guillermo.
Members of the live studio audience even sobered up.
Stopping their drinking games altogether, according to Guillermo.
“There was no need,” Guillermo explained. “Jimmy didn’t deliver a single Trump-bashing joke that whole week, so they had nothing to drink to.”
However, when the Mueller report failed to result in a single indictment against President Trump and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi further delaying a vote on the impeachment inquiry, Kimmel double down his efforts, making Trump-bashing jokes the mainstay of his monologue.
“It all became a blur of Trump-bashing jokes and the live studio audience a sea of endless drinking games,” Guillermo recalled, shaking his head.
Perhaps because he was so bent on single-handedly taking down President Trump with his Trump-bashing jokes, Kimmel continued to turn a blind eye to his now totally inebriated live studio audience.
“They were all drunk,” said Guillermo. “If I removed one, I would have to remove them all. No one would be left.”
Guillermo was faced with his moment of truth and possibly his only shot at taking over the TV show as its new host.
“I remember going home one night after the show wondering, ‘what can I do to save my friend, Jimmy?” said Guillermo, visibly upset.
Sitting in his living room watching the popular zombie apocalypse TV series, The Walking Dead, Guillermo got an idea.
“I love, Jimmy,” Guillermo reflected. “He’s my number one amigo. But if a zombie bit me like on that TV show, I would want Jimmy to shoot me in the head with a gun or crossbow.”
Guillermo then straightened up in his reclining chair, knocking over a bowl of popcorn in the process.
“After all,” said Guillermo as he looked at his reflection in a white t-shirt and boxer shorts from a mirror across his living room. “The show must go on. Jimmy’s turn to be my sidekick. My dead sidekick.”
Personally opposed to gun violence, the very next day, Guillermo purchased a crossbow.
“Jimmy is not himself anymore,” Guillermo reasoned. “He has become infected with TDS, turning into a Trump-bashing zombie. It's up to me to cure him…With this!”
Guillermo held up the crossbow he had bought.
Fortunately, Guillermo never had to use it.
Guillermo quickly shook his head no, slowly placed the crossbow on the floor and awkwardly scooted it away from him with his feet.
Finally the day of reckoning arrived.
“It was last week after the final show of the week,” Guillermo, recalled.
Guillermo had just finished his final security sweep of the now empty studio when Kimmel unexpectedly walked on stage to pickup some notes he had left behind on his talk show studio desk.
“Is that a crossbow, Guillermo?” Kimmel asked with pleasant surprise and genuine curiosity instead of suspicion, distrust and fear.
Guillermo was struggling to pullback the string and load the bolt.
“Here let me help you with that, Guillermo,” Kimmel said walking over to help with a spring in his step.
“No, no,” said Guillermo. “You stay there. I got it.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kimmel replied as he moved closer.
Guillermo’s hands began to shake uncontrollably, sweat poured over his eyes, as he struggled to load the crossbow.
With the crossbow finally loaded, Guillermo knelt down on one knee.
Kimmel so taken aback with Guillermo’s accomplishment that he did not seem to notice that his sidekick had managed to level the crossbow at him.
Time seemed to slow as Jimmy Kimmel drew closer and closer; his hands clapping and his eyes closed.
Guillermo closed his eyes too unable to bring himself to witness the death of his friend at his own hands, as images of their over a decade long friendship flooded and flashed through his mind, causing a moment of hesitation that seemed like to him all that he needed to withhold all self-righteous indigenous judgement that had lead up to that moment to pull the trigger.
“We love you, Jimmy!” shouted an inebriated member of the live studio audience as he slowly rose up from between the studio audience seats.
Both Guillermo and Kimmel were so startled that they abandoned their attention on the crossbow.
“We’ll still be here waiting for you when you get out,” continued the drunken fan.
An hour later, all three men sat at Kimmel’s studio desk drinking coffee.
“I never realized I had that big of a problem,” said Kimmel. “I mean no more than my fellow comedian TV talk show hosts. Well, except for Colbert. Man, he’s way over the top. That dude goes to dark places when it comes to Trump. Am I right or what?”
Guillermo and the now sober fan shook their heads no in unison.
“So that’s why I am checking myself into rehab today,” said Kimmel standing outside to rehab center as it began to rain.
“Wish me luck,” said Kimmel as he and Guillermo walked toward the front door of the rehab facility.
“Oh,” Kimmel shouted, looking back. “I almost forgot. I beg my fellow comedian TV talk show hosts to join me in rehab for treatment of their TSD before it’s too late!”
As the rain fell, Guillermo opened up an umbrella for the two to share.
“Hey, Guillermo!” called out a fellow member of the Kimmel staff. “You forgot this.”
The man held up a crossbow in the now pouring rain.
Guillermo looked back shaking his head no at first.
“Go ahead, Guillermo,” Kimmel reassured. “I can finally show you how to use it.’
“Are you sure?” Guillermo questioned.
“Yeah, it will be fun,” Kimmel replied. “Just so long as you don’t mistake me for a zombie and shoot me with it.”
Guillermo smiled nervously. Then ran back to retrieved the crossbow.
“I hope you don’t have to use it,” the fellow staff member said beneath his breath.
“Me too,” replied Guillermo, as the sky rolled with thunder and lightening flashed. “Me too.”
Guillermo then slowly walked back to Kimmel, but half way there looked back at the staff member.
“But if I did,” Guillermo said as a flash of lightening lit up his face. “It will be all okay.”
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” replied the staff member.
“Don’t worry,” said Guillermo as he turned away. “I won’t. What is it that you show people say?”
“Break a leg?” replied the nervous staff member.
“If I have to,” replied Guillermo as he began to laugh out loud in a conspicuous villainous fashion.
Suddenly, the rain stooped, dark clouds rolled back and the sun hung in the sky. Birds and butterflies once more filled the air again.
Guillermo then ran back returning the crossbow.
“I have to help my friend, Jimmy.” Guillermo said.
“Come on, Guillermo,” Kimmel called out from the threshold of the open front door of the rehab facility. “I hear they got an Xbox.”
“Coming,” Guillermo answered. “That’s my friend, Jimmy. He needs my help.”
Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com
Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
