Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts

Road Kill: The New Fast-Food?

A restaurant owner caught red-handed dragging in a bloody reindeer carcass into his kitchen insisted that the road kill was not going to be served up to his patrons. 

However, when confronted by authorities, he could not account for a new culinary category listed on the menu as Le Fast-Food Du Jour.    

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

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‘Hunger Games’ Boosts Cinema Concession Stand Sales

Hollywood, California –

Cinemas across the country are reporting record-breaking concession stand sales at theaters featuring the ‘Hunger Games’. The phenomenon was first noticed when sales for extra large size of popcorn took off before the flick was turned on.

“People usually buy a regular sized popcorn, which really in a small. And a best value sized soda, which really is a medium,” said Jeff, a concession stand worker “But ever since we started playing ‘Hunger Games’, we’ve been selling only the jumbo sized popcorn, which really is a medium. And a Bottomless Well sized soda, which really is just a large.”

It is believed that ‘Hunger Games’ moviegoers are being adversely impacted by food insecurity, a topic dealt with in the film.

“I guess watching Katniss fight for food so her district wouldn’t starve death made me appreciate free popcorn refills like never before,” said Jane, 16, a ‘Hunger Games’ fan. “I mean all have to do his fight my way through the concession stand line to get what I want and usually no body has to die. Usually.”

Ushers assigned to cleanup detail have noticed a change in consumer’s consumption as well.

“Surprisingly there’s less to pick up after the movie’s ended,” said John an usher.

Theater security cameras have recorded people seemingly picking up after themselves.

“They’re not so much picking up after themselves,” said a theater manager. “As they’re hoarding their leftovers.”

One manager, having tired of repeatedly turning down requests for Doggie Bags, has now placed a stack of them beside a condiment table.

“I have to replenish them several times throughout the day,” said the manager. “Twice during the matinee showing alone.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘The Hunger Games’ Politically Incorrect Joke #2

Q: Know where the next saga of the ‘Hunger Games’ movie trilogy will be filmed?

A: Hungary, of course.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘The Hunger Games’ Politically Incorrect Joke #1

In The Hunger Games, the heroine, Katniss Everdeen, enters a deadly tournament for food, which she wins for her district.

In the politically incorrect alternate ending she wins as well. Except she chooses Chinese food and an hour later everybody in her district is hungry again. Oh well, back to the games.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Reformed Paula Deen Vows to Deep-Fry Only Whole-Wheat Twinkies

Madison Avenue, New York --

Just a day after confirming she was diagnosed (3 years ago) as having type 2 diabetes, the Southern chef known for her wanton culinary excesses, Paula Deen, has now vowed to change her eating habits.

“If Paula Deen was able to eat her way into bad health,” said Paula Deen’s agent. “She’s certainly more than able to eat her way out of it. One deep-fried whole-wheat Twinkie at a time.”

However, longstanding critics of Paula Deen’s seemingly shameless promotion of her diabetic dietary lifestyle in an age plagued with childhood obesity are quick to point out what they regard as her total disregard for public health concerns.

Noting the 3-year lapse from her medical diagnosis of diabetes to the public disclosure of her illness.

Claming she places profits before people, using her trademarked down to earth country-style mannerism to disarm the viewing audience of any critical thinking skills.

“Some people are just simply jealous of little old me,” said Paula Deen, using her best Southern draw. “Because I know how to turn lemons into lemon-aide, y’all.”

In coming to terms with her new medical reality, however, Paula Deen claims that she was inspired to try her hand at writing romance novels for a change, combining her intimate knowledge of cooking with butter and her still inextinguishable talent to make a buck.

“It’s a story about a woman’s life-long unrequited love affair with food,” said Paula Deen’s agent, insisting the book is not an autobiography.

“Rather, it’s a manifesto,” explained Paula Deen. “Empowering women to get in touch with their sexuality by teaching them how to supplant Maslow’s hierarchy of needs by deep-frying any Freudian phallic shaped vegetables atop the food pyramid…y’all?”

Paula Deen’s new romance/cookbook is titled: Deep-Fried Green Tomatoes -- 101Ways to Deep-Fry Anything Whole-Wheat or Tubular [a.k.a. Twinkies]!

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Scientists Extract Food from Human Feces! It’s ‘Soylent Green’ Allover Again!

What’s for Dinner Tonight?

Tokyo, Japan –

It was the next logical step. After all, in Europe people are eating so-called ‘ice cream’ and on the East Coast of the United States, so-called ‘cheese’. Both of which are made from human breast milk. And even in low earth orbit, right above our heads, the astronauts aboard the International Space Station are drinking ‘water’ recycled from their urine.

“So I thought, ‘Why not meals extracted from solid human excrement?” said Mako Aki, a Japanese scientist on the cutting edge of food engineering (or food reengineering). “Imagine the possibilities. Such a discovery could mean the end of food shortages and human starvation.”

“The real challenge,” says Aki. Of course, after overcoming the initial repulsion to the idea that you are eating human fecal matter, is making the recycled meal that has undergone her patent pending Synthesized Human Intestinal Treatment Technology (S.H.I.T.T.), which makes it not only safe to consume. “Is making it palatable and appealing to the end user as well.”

Because the human bowel movement (BM), after the bacteria, viruses and blood is removed, primarily consists of leftover proteins, carbohydrates, lipids and minerals, the trouble is that BMs tend to all taste the same.

“And let’s face it,” says Aki. “Who likes to eat leftovers anyway?”

So Aki and her fellow Japanese scientists have come up with specially flavored crystals imbedded in already been chewed (ABC) gum that adds spice and diversification to the Future Shock like S.H.I.T.T. menu.

Breaking down enzymes in the upper and lower digestive tracks, the flavor crystals quickly go to work, converting yesterday’s BM into today’s BM and tomorrow’s BM too.

“With the flavor crystals added, S.H.I.T.T. can mimic whatever ethnic or domestic food you desire,” said Aki.

“It changed the Thai food my wife prepared for me the night before for dinner into a delicious Italian dish last night,” said Bruno Johnson, a test subject in America. “I didn’t think she had it in her, but thanks to those flavor crystals, she did. Who knows what she has in her for dinner tonight.”

Mr. Johnson went on to say that he could not remember ever having such a satisfying home cooked meal before, strongly recommending the S.H.I.T.T. flavor crystals’ version of Chinese food.

“You know what they say about Chinese food?” said Mr. Johnson. “That you eat it only to find yourself hungry again an hour later. Well, that’s not a problem anymore. At least not mine away.”

“I use to hate coming home after work just to slave over a hot stove,” said Delores Johnson, also a test subject, as she placed a grocery bag and keys on the kitchen table. “But not anymore. Now I love coming home, knowing tonight’s dinner is just a trip down the hallway away.”

As Mrs. Johnson opens the refrigerator to put away the groceries, she notices she neglected to purchase a few items.

“Darn!” says Mrs. Johnson “I forgot the ice cream and cheese again.”

“Not a problem, honey,” says Mr. Johnson appearing from behind the refrigerator door, dangling a breast pump in the air.

“And what about the water?” says Mrs. Johnson, handing an empty water bottle to her husband.

“Don’t worry, dear,” politely replies Mr. Johnson with a wink as he takes the empty water bottle from her. “I got that covered.”

Mrs. Johnson then walks over to the bathroom carrying a breast pump on her shoulder and a newspaper under her arm, pausing a moment to pulled down the family’s dinner request posted to the door.

“Oh boy…” says Mrs. Johnson as she opens the medicine cabinet running her fingers across a number of relabeled spice bottles now marked: Thai food, Italian food, Mexican food ect. Then pulling out a bottle, she confidently tosses it up in the air and while catching it, says, “Looks like the husband and kids want Chinese tonight…I better get busy.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.