TSA to Issue Flowers and Chocolates at Security Checkpoints

About last night....

Washington, D.C. --

Desperate to deal with the growing public outrage over its new enhanced security pat down procedure that is openly referred to as “Groping” by airline passengers, and its full radiated body scan that leaves nothing to the imagination, seeing right through clothing rendering the person naked with images popping up on the Internet despite promises of privacy, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is activity engaged in a public relation’s campaign to placate the masses.

“We got the idea to give out chocolates bars from our solders during World War II, who handed out candy to children in countries we liberated,” said a spokesman for the TSA. “Also, out of a suggestion box from one of our employees who is quite experienced in having a number of dates gone wrong.”

TSA agents are instructed to handout gift certificates for chocolate to men who have been through the full body scan and gift certificates for flowers to women who have been disproportionately traumatized by the pat down screening.

“Chocolates?” said Albert Mathews, having recently opted for a full mechanical body scan. “I don’t need chocolates; I need a good stiff drink.

Mr. Mathews later added that if he would have known he was going to be exposed to such an intensive dose of radiation in his private parts region, he would have taken precautions before arriving at the airport.

“I would’ve stopped off at a sperm bank and made a substantial donation first,” said Mr. Mathews.

“Well, I guess the flowers are a nice idea,” said Mrs. Jane Miller, 36, mother of two, who had to be placed into a wheelchair unable to stand, much less walk on her own power, after receiving a pat down by TSA agents. “I mean after a search like that, I couldn’t hold anything down in my stomach anyway.”

TSA gift certificates can be redeemed at any major participating retailer (subject to availability).

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo