Showing posts with label Fifty Shades of Grey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fifty Shades of Grey. Show all posts

Martha Stewart’s Guide to ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ on a Budget Tip #1: How to Turn Everyday Ordinary Household Items into Wanting Ravaging Sex Toys

Martha Stewart Get Fifty Shades of Kinky 
 Long Island, New York --

“A national retail chain has decided to sell various sex toys inspired by the book and movie Fifty Shades of Grey,” said Martha Stewart on her TV show, as she walked over to a table covered by a black velvet cloth. “However, I’m here to show you how you can accomplish the same thing, using everyday ordinary household items.”

Standing before the covered table, Martha Stewart continued.

“With a little imagination,” said Martha Stewart. “You can bring your lover into the sexual submission of your choice and all under budget too.”

Martha Stewart then pulled back the black velvet shroud, reviling a pair of handcuffs. 

“Now you may think only a pair of stainless steel handcuffs can restrain your lover,” said Martha Stewart. “However, you would be wrong.”

Martha Stewart then pulled back the cloth a little more, reviling some clear plastic zip ties.

“Why use stainless steel? I always say,” said Martha Stewart. “When plastic will just as easily do the trick?” 

“Not only that,” Martha Stewart continued. “They come in all kinds of colors too.” 

Martha Stewart then pulled out a number of zip ties in various colors.

“With this amount of colors available,” said Martha Stewart. “Not only will you be releasing your inner demon to dominate your lover but the color scheme to match anything your sexually deviant imagination can come up with as well.” 

“Now let’s move on to power tools,” said Martha Stewart, pulling out an electric drill. 

“Remember, safety comes first,” said Martha Stewart, pausing a moment. “And by that I mean it is very important that you and your lover have selected a safety word before proceeding.” 

Martha Stewart then demonstrated on a blowup sex doll, how to properly engage in consensual recreational sex using a high voltage power tool. 

“Remember, what comes first?” said Martha Stewart as she paused, cueing the studio audience. 

“SAFETY!” came the collective reply.

“That’s right,” said Martha Stewart as she reached under the table and pulled out a pair of goggles. 

“A pair of these not only protects your eyes from any debris,” said Martha Stewart. “But any bodily fluids as well.”   

The studio audience cringed as Martha Stewart proceeded with the demonstration on the blowup sex doll. 

Afterwards, Martha Stewart removed her protective eyewear, as she addressed the studio audience. 

“Next time,” said Martha Stewart. “I’ll show you how to make a gag ball, using only this tennis ball, knitting needle and some discarded yarn.”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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'Fifty Shades of Grey' and The American Dental Association (ADA) Joke #1

ADA Warning:
Gag Balls May Lead to Gingivitis, Tooth Decay and Bad Breath

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of:

Oh No! Pippa’s Ass Leaked onto the Interwebs Too?

London, England –
When it reigns, it pours. Fresh on the heels of Kate Middleton’s topless photos comes the news that the duchess’ little sister, Pippa, has a few skeletons in the closet of her own. As photos of her ass have just been leaked to the Internet.

The ass in the photo (above) has been authenticated as belonging to Pippa Middleton.

“It was taken without her permission when she wandered onto a neighbor’s property,” said a friend of the Middleton family, while examining the photo.

“Pippa’s ass seems to have a mind of its own,” said a Bobby [policeman], who often responds to the trespass calls. “She’d wander far and wide, all about the countryside. Even poking her nose into a few pubs all along the way.”

At the end of the day, however, Pippa’s ass could usually be found in a neighbor’s barn.

“Taking a roll in the hay,” explained the family friend.

The size of Pippa’s ass also made it impossible for the authorities to transport her by way of a lorry [truck].

“So they often had to ride her back home,” said the family friend. “Taking turns along the way.”

“Pippa’s ass doesn’t seem to mind really,” said the Bobby, reflecting on the times he mounted up on her. “In fact, if you ask me, she likes someone taking the reigns. Someone to take control. Someone willing to firmly, yet ever so gently, plant a barehanded slap on her buttocks. Just to remind her who’s in charge when she’s lost and can’t find her way back home bareback.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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