Showing posts with label Cow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cow. Show all posts

Bovine DNA Found in Horseradish

Chicago, Illinois –

As if European meat inspectors had enough trouble on their plate finding horse DNA in food products marked for human consumption, now reports are pouring in alleging the presence of bovine DNA in horseradish.

“We’re not sure how the bovine DNA got into the horseradish,” said a meat inspector. 

Unofficially, it is believed that the bovine have branded together and spiked the horseradish with their DNA in a deliberate act of revenge.

“People don’t realized how vengeful cows can be,” said a former rancher who confessed to tipping cows in his youth.

“I learned my lesson though,” continued the former rancher, visibly shaken by the traumatic incident 

After a long day of cow tipping, the young man retired to his bedroom for the evening.

“That’s when I was awoken in the middle of the night,” said the former rancher who began tearing up.

The young man screamed out in horror, as he pulled back his bed sheets only to find a bottle of horseradish at the foot of his bed.

“Next to BBQ sauce,” said the former rancher, weeping openly. “Horseradish was my favorite condiment.”

Meat inspectors advise consumers to stay away from horseradish.

“If you have an aversion to bovine DNA in your horseradish,” said a meat inspector. “You may want to try some hot Chinese mustard instead. Just until the crisis subsides.” 

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Yvonne “The Run Away” Cow to Undergo Mad Cow Disease Testing

Hamburg, Germany –

The story of Yvonne “The Run Away” Cow has sadly taken a turn for the worst recently. When shortly after her safe capture by animal rights activists, Germany’s equivalent of the department of agriculture announced today the wayward bovine must be tested for Mad Cow Disease.

Animal rights activists had planned to retire Yvonne to a ranch where she would have spent the rest of her natural life grazing and breeding.

“Not so fast,” said a spokesman for the agriculture department. “We suspect that Yvonne’s bizarre behavior of escaping the slaughterhouse can directly be attributed to her having contracted bovine spongiform encephalopathy or BSE [Mad Cow Disease].”

“That must be it,” said Yvonne’s previous owner, who sold her to the slaughterhouse, after naming her and raising her up since she was a calf. “Why else would she run off into the forest like that when she had a nice slaughterhouse waiting for her?”

Unfortunately, Yvonne will have to be put down (killed) in order to conduct the BSE test properly.

“The good news is if she passes, her meat will be deemed suitable for human, canine and feline consumption,” said the spokesman. “Available for sale to the general public in the meat department and pet food aisle of your local supermarket.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.