Forget about being lactose intolerant. How about being allergic to bullets? Portrayed as a heroine for gunning down an intruder in defense of her infant child, the young gun-toting lactating mother is now being praised for her dedication to breast-feeding as well.
“We thought she should be recognized for her commitment to all-natural nutrition under fire,” said a spokesmom for Mothers for the Legalization of Lactating Moms (MLLM). “And any mother who has breast feed in public knows exactly what I’m talking about.”
Ironically, in this case, it may very well be the young lactating mother’s act of breast-feeding her child that contributed if not outright caused the incident. Apparently attracting the two men, luring one to his death.
“The two alleged perpetrators happened to be walking along the sidewalk at the time of the infant’s feeding when they heard a strange sound emanating from within the victim’s house,” said police, recounting the surviving alleged assailant’s statement to them.
Overwhelmed by a sense of curiosity, the two men approached the home peeping into windows before entering through an open door.
“We knew it was wrong,” confessed the surviving alleged assailant to police. “But we just had to get a look at what was making that sucking noise.”
“I knew they were out there,” said the young lactating mother who admitted to opening the front door to allow the intruders to gain access to her home. “I could see them peeking through the windows. Just staring at me breast-feeding Little JR.”
Calmly the young mother called 911 to report the intruders, as she posted a note to the door that read, “Dear Dummies, I’m in the kitchen unarmed.”
“I asked the lady on the phone if it was okay to shoot at Peeping Toms',” said the young mom, as she opened a kitchen drawer where she kept a breast pump next to a couple of Beretta M9 9mm pistols. “She didn’t say yes. But she didn’t say no either.”
Fortunately, Little JR had achieved nipple lock, allowing mommy to put on a full metal jacket (arm herself) as the intruders entered the house.
“Little JR just dangled there the whole time,” the young mom said.
“As the first intruder peered around the corner into the kitchen to take a peek,” said police. “She unloaded both 9mm pistols on him, resulting in his immediate demise.”
“I shot at the other one, too,” said the young mother.
However, Little JR threw off her aim.
“He weighs so much now,” said the young mother. “I’ll probably need a breast augmentation, if this continues.”
“The second assailant fled the crime scene, running for his life,” said police.
Not far behind him the lactating mother with infant child in hot pursuit.
“I would have caught up with him too,” the young mother said to a sympathetic crowd of breast feeding moms as she picked up her MLLM Breast-Feeding Mother of the Year Award. “If only I didn’t have to stop and express milk along the way.”
Police refused to charge the young mother with any crime. Calling the lethal lactating incident a clear-cut case of self-defense.
“Look, everybody. Don’t get me wrong. I’m really sorry that fella had to die,” remorsefully explained the young mom, while being handed a golden statue of an iconic figure of motherhood -- A bare shouldered matriarch nobly holding up twins, one at each breast, allowing both to breast-feed at the same time -- “But you know how cranky a baby can get if it misses a meal.”
Copyright (c) 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.