Suze Orman’s Dec. 21, 2012 Financial Advice for the Post-Apocalyptic Investor

Denver, Colorado –

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m still bullish on shotgun shells and canned goods,” said Suze Orman during a live podcast from inside her reinforced bunker, carved into a Colorado mountainside. “But I’d be a fool if I didn’t prepare to clean up on some of those stocks that will be at absolutely rock bottom prices the day after the apocalypse.”

“Now you maybe asking yourself,” said Orman. “‘But Suze, how do I place a buy order if my broker is dead? And food, water and sex are the only acceptable medium of exchange in the future?’ Easy, do it now.”

Suze Orman then introduced her podcast audience to a new type of stock certificate.

“Notice the activation date printed on the bottom,” said Suze, holding up the financial instrument to the webcam.

It read: “Not Valid Until December 22, 2012 (The Day After the Apocalypse or Hell Freezes Over, whichever comes first).”

“Now, you maybe wondering,” Suze continued, setting the document aside. “What did I trade for this piece of an uncertain future? Well, I’m proud to say. Only one 6oz can of tuna and two 8oz bottles of water. And what did I get for it in exchange, you might ask? How about, a little peace of mind? I just pray, there isn’t a margin call. Or my broker will be getting a little piece of my [BLEEP].”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

May 21, 2011 Doomsday Postponed…Until December 21, 2012?

Around the World --

The world let out a big sigh of relief just now, as the deadline (no pun intended) for the prediction of another doomsday occurrence scheduled for today passed us all peacefully by. Or was it, perhaps…only postponed?

"Off by 19 months to be exact," said Rupert Brown, a self-described survivalist, via a short-wave radio from his underground concrete reinforced hermetically sealed bunker in an undisclosed location somewhere in the Nevada mountains. "That’s when the real doomsday happens on December 21, 2012, according to the Mayan calendar."

According to Rupert Brown this doomsday, which was to occur on May 21, 2011 at 6:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time was a dry run, conjured up by the authorities to get the citizen’s accustomed to the idea of global destruction without panicking.

Government studies have confirmed that when facing any doomsday scenario, panic is the real enemy of the people.

"Not some geological catastrophe, planet killer deep impact asteroid or Japanese nuclear power plant disaster," said Rupert Brown as he prepares to open up a can of Spam for dinner. "Yup, the real enemy governments’ fear is widespread panic by its citizens."

Rupert Brown says panic is responsible for causing most of the damage to the infrastructure than the natural disaster ever could…Most of the time.

"You see," explained Rupert Brown, as he began patting down his pockets. "There has to be something left for our captains of industry, elected representatives and high ranking members military to work with to rebuild our civilization when they reemerge from their secret underground shelters and the rest of us are all gone. Well, except for me, of course, because I’m prepared for whatever eventuality may happen…Damn it! Where did I put that can opener? Oh shit! I forgot to bring one! I’ll starve to death. Wait…I can’t breathe. Help! Help! Someone get me out of here! For the love of Christ get me out of here!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.