Showing posts with label Suze Orman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Suze Orman. Show all posts

Suze Orman’s Dec. 21, 2012 Financial Advice for the Post-Apocalyptic Investor

Denver, Colorado –

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m still bullish on shotgun shells and canned goods,” said Suze Orman during a live podcast from inside her reinforced bunker, carved into a Colorado mountainside. “But I’d be a fool if I didn’t prepare to clean up on some of those stocks that will be at absolutely rock bottom prices the day after the apocalypse.”

“Now you maybe asking yourself,” said Orman. “‘But Suze, how do I place a buy order if my broker is dead? And food, water and sex are the only acceptable medium of exchange in the future?’ Easy, do it now.”

Suze Orman then introduced her podcast audience to a new type of stock certificate.

“Notice the activation date printed on the bottom,” said Suze, holding up the financial instrument to the webcam.

It read: “Not Valid Until December 22, 2012 (The Day After the Apocalypse or Hell Freezes Over, whichever comes first).”

“Now, you maybe wondering,” Suze continued, setting the document aside. “What did I trade for this piece of an uncertain future? Well, I’m proud to say. Only one 6oz can of tuna and two 8oz bottles of water. And what did I get for it in exchange, you might ask? How about, a little peace of mind? I just pray, there isn’t a margin call. Or my broker will be getting a little piece of my [BLEEP].”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

Octomom Gets Suze Orman’s Top 10 Financial Advice…And Then Some

"Mommy, is
Suze gone yet?"
The following Top 10 List of Financial Advice from that gabby guru of gush, Suze Orman, to the cash-strapped Octomom (Nadya Suleman) was inspired from that recently aired TV program on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Enjoy.

10) Change your last name to something less ethnic sounding like O’Brian. That way you’ll draw more sympathy from the American public and acceptance in the media.

9) Remodel your house into the shape of a giant shoe and ask Pee-wee Herman to marry you. I hear he’s good with kids and is a very snappy dresser. Although be prepared to go down on your hands and knees, because I also hear he doesn’t like to clean up after himself. What? Well, he doesn’t.

8) Sell your bodily fluids. Blood is okay, but urine is better. You can get top dollar selling your pee to someone that’s desperate to pass a drug test. Ladies, you’d be surprised what corporate TV executives will pay, or do, for a clean catch from a menstruating middle-aged woman today -- Believe me, I know.

7) Harvest your organs….Or someone else’s. Wink. Wink. No, just kidding. That’s illegal in most countries…in most countries. Just saying is all.

6) Open up a Day Care Center taking care of your neighbor’s kids. It’s ironic, I know. But trust me, at this point a few more rug rats running around won’t make a difference. Not only that, you’ll get a tax break and will be able to call yourself a “Businesswoman” instead of just a “Housewife”, which for some odd reason helps. I don’t know why. They are the same jobs, just different titles, falling under separate sections of the tax code.

5) Put the “Little Ones” to work. Granted they got tiny hands that can’t grasp much, but they fit well into tight spaces like garbage disposals, pool drains and conveniently under lawnmowers, too.

4) Rent out your womb to a Hollywood celebrity like Angelina-Jolie. Or even a Quasi-Celebrity wannabe like Madonna.

3) Buy a decommissioned school bus, paint it all kinds of crazy hippie colors, bill yourself and the kids as the new “Partridge Family” and hit the road. Never looking back.

2) Still looking for Mr. Right? Insure the hell out of yourself, naming your children as irrevocable beneficiaries and then go on a blind date with some guy you just met on Craigslist. Why then, you’ll be worth more dead than alive.

1) Buy my new book: “How to Succeed by Using Your Feminine Wilds to Bilk Horny Geezers with Nothing Better To Do But Hang Out at a Diner All Day Gawking at What They Perceive to be a Straight Woman Out of Their Hard Earned Cash to Give You Your Big Break in the Lucrative Financial Consultant Business Without Really Trying (Like Me, Suze Orman!)”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.