Showing posts with label Dick Clark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dick Clark. Show all posts

Top 10 Rose Parade Float Rejects for 2013

10) The Gov. Chris Christie Float – Just Chris sitting on a float, waving to a cheering crowd. 

9) The Penn State Homecoming Float of Shame Float – A giant mock-up of the childhood football board game made of a sheet of metal with magnet figurines that “move” about the field when the current is turned on. Except in this version, as the football players vibrate about the board, assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, leaves the field to chase near naked boys in the shower with a rolled up wet towel. 

8) The Dick Clark DNA Float – Scientists dressed in their lab coats all still very busy running around trying to clone Dick Clark in time to host Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013, while a giant clock strikes midnight…Oh well, maybe next year.  

7) The ♫Gangnam Style♫ Float – A float depicting Rose Parade float decorators (pedal pushers) dancing to the tune of ♫Gangnam Style♫ instead of gluing flowers to a float. In the background, the rusted metallic frame of an unfinished float. Later, the video goes viral and is awarded by Rose Parade judges the first-ever, Virtual Viral Float Award (rust qualifying as an all-natural material).   

6) The Gen. David Petraeus Tunnel of Love Float – Petraeus enters the tunnel of love as a General with his wife and mistress on both arms, but he exits all alone as a Private.   

5) The Re-Election of President Obama Float – The same “Hope and Change” campaign slogan float he first entered back in 2008. Only this time with the words “Change and Hope” switched places.  

4) The Fiscal Cliff Float – A yellow school minibus filled with members of Congress, the Senate and the White House. As they fight and throw spitballs at each other, the distracted driver (Ben Bernanke) begs them to sit down and behave, as he drives off the fiscal cliff.     

3) The Supreme Court Musical Chairs Float – While the theme song from the ‘Three Stooges’ plays in the background, Conservative Supreme Court Justice, John Roberts, attempts to switch chairs with the liberal justices on the bench before the music ends.

2) The Super Storm Sandy Float – Two palm trees swaying in the wind with the caption: “Better Hold on to Your Coconuts. It Looks Like We’re in for Quite a Blow Job.”  

1) The Great Recession Float – The same rag tag float running since 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 and now…2013? 

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Dick Clark, Dionne Warwick and Her Psychic Friends Network to Co-Host Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013

New York, New York --

If you find yourself tuning into ABC to watch Ryan Seacrest host Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013 instead of Dick Clark (due to his untimely death earlier this year), you have only yourself to blame. As it is obvious that you have not hooked up with Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network. 

“Dick Clark personally asked me and my psychic friends network to co-host his TV show with him,” said Dionne Warwick at a press conference, which she recorded to be aired later as an infomercial.   

According to Dionne Warwick, Dick Clark psychically contacted her just a week ago with his special request.

“He said to me, ‘Dionne, remember when I use to play your records on American Bandstand?’” said Dionne Warwick as she rolled back her eyes in a hypnotic trance like state, while impersonating Dick Clark’s voice. “‘Well, I want you and your psychic friends network – the one’s that can carry a tune -- to sing all your old hits on my show Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013, okay?’”

“What else could I say but yes,” said Dionne Warwick as she came out of the trance.

If you would like to hear Dick Clark host Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013 one last time, it will only cost you $5.00 for the first minute and $1.95 every minute thereafter (check with your local telephone company as toll charges may apply).

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Dick Clark Still Scheduled to Host New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2021 TV Show Live

New York, New York –

At first everyone thought it was incredibly brave and admirable of Dick Clark to have optimistically scheduled himself as the host of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2021. Especially after his decision to return to the show despite his advanced years, suffering a debilitating stroke that slurred his speech and ironically being sued for age discrimination by an associate just a few years his senior that he referred to as a “dinosaur”.

That was until everybody discovered Dick Clark was not just being optimistic.

Writing provisions in his will, instructing his survivors to make preparations that will continue to allow him to host the show ‘indefinitely and in perpetuity’ after his death, Dick Clark has not only secured the title of America’s oldest teenager, but its first immortal one as well.

“With a little help from a medium, ouija board and a crystal ball, Dick Clark’s ghost will host this year’s New Year’s Eve bash,” said a spokesman for the Clark estate.

Dick Clark’s will also included a backup plan, however, should the seer fail to channel him from beyond.

“We’re also prepared to broadcast a giant hologram of his head live from the Time Square ticker board,” added the spokesman for the Clark estate.

Either way, Dick Clark will return to the airwaves come this New Year’s Eve.

So far, however, reaction to Dick Clark’s return to the airwaves postpartum from even the most ardent of his fans has been mixed and conflicted at best.

“I don’t know if he should continue to host the show,” said Jane, 67, who watched Dick even after he had a stroke. “But then again, it’s like my grandfather always said to me, ‘Jane, death is just Mother Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.’”

Maybe Dick Clark should lay low awhile and let someone else have a turn. You know, just until next year.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.