Showing posts with label The Oscars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Oscars. Show all posts

A Seth MacFarlane Politically Incorrect Oscar Joke # 2

Capt. James T. Kirk:

Correction, Seth. Star Trek: The Motion Picture was so long it only felt like you were watching a musical.

Seth MacFarlane:

Yes, I know…Or more like watching me host the Oscars.

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

First Academy Awards (the Oscars) Joke Away…

See, even the Kodak Theater gets a last minute facelift before the Oscars.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Billy Crystal to Host Academy Awards from a Cryogenic Chamber

Hollywood, California –

Move over Walt, HERE COMES BILLY!...AGAIN!

That’s right, Billy Crystal is literally being taken out of cold storage to host the Academy Awards this year.

“It’s the only thing he could think of to explain his absence from the Oscars all these years,” said a publicist for Mr. Crystal. “And the loss of his eyebrows, due to the freezer burn.”

The plan, or the joke, is to have Billy Crystal entombed in a stainless steel cryogenic chamber rolled out onto the stage riding on a dolly, accompanied by three lovely-looking female assistants dressed up as scientists.

“They’ll be wearing black framed eyeglasses, black rubber gloves, black stiletto heels and lab coats that will only reach their knees,” continued the publicist.

The “scientists” will then attempt to awaken Billy Crystal from his cryogenic induced sleep to once again host the Oscars.

After turning a series of knobs and flipping a few toggles on some nearby electronic equipment, however, they open the cryogenic chamber only to find it is empty.

“We asked Geraldo Rivera if he would open it up, but he said no,” said a production assistant who worked on the set during rehearsals.

Back on stage, all the house lights go out, while a few moments later a single spotlight shines up on the rafters.

A masked figure in a cape looms far above the heads of the audience.

“It’s Billy Crystal dressed as the phantom from Phantom of the Opera,” said another production assistant.

Billy Crystal then swings down from the scuffling onto the stage, saying: “I’ve returned, you say? How can I return if I never left?”

Billy Crystal then takes the audience for a tour (via a remote camera) of his underground labyrinth.

“As you can see, I’ve been living here right under your feet the whole time,” Crystal says as he walks through several hidden passageways cluttered with empty soup cans, newspapers, soiled mattresses and Occupy L.A. tents.

“Pay no attention to them,” says Billy Crystal referring to the tents. “They just got here a few months ago, I’ve been here for years. I’m the original Occupier. ”

One-by-one famous movie stars that have not been seen at the Oscars for years begin to emerge from the Occupy tents. Each of them holding a script in hand, begging Billy Crystal to take it upstairs to some producer to read.

“No,” replies Billy Crystal. “You know I can’t do that. It would be unprofessional of me if I did.”

Billy Crystal then turns to make his way back to the surface.

On the way back up, a script falls out from Billy Crystal’s cape. It is one he wrote, “When Harry Leaves Sally”.

Crystal picks it up. And holding it to his lips, he kisses it. Saying to himself: “This is it. This is your chance, Billy. Blow it now, and they’ll never invite you back. Not for another ten years. ‘Til then, it’s back to the ice crypt with you know who.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

The King’s Speech – The Original Unedited Script Edition

Hollywood, California --

Who would have thought a no action, no violence, no sex, no nothing movie about a king hiring a linguist to help correct his speech impediment could sweep the Oscars, named best motion picture of the year 2011? Well, apparently not the writers। Not originally at least. Below is a sample of the original unedited script edition of the Academy Award winning, The King’s Speech.

In the following selected scenes, the linguist hired to assist the king slowly discovers the real reason for his majesty’s engagement of his services: To help him learn how to disguise his English accent, so he can successfully pose as a foreigner. Convinced England will lose WWII to the Germans thus necessitating his escape from the British Isles in this, their most desperate hour and time of need.


LINGUIST: Repeat after me: ‘The Bavarians are bombing Britain.’ Now you try.

THE KING: (Using a Scottish accent; rolling his "R's") The BavaRRRians aRRRe bombing BRRRitian।

LINGUIST: (Looking on somewhat puzzled): Are you sure you’re the king of England?

THE KING: WhateveRRR do you mean?

LINGUIST: Pardon my curiosity, your worship। But are you certain you don’t have some Scottish heritage somewhere in your background?

THE KING: What aRRRe you implying?

LINGUIST: Oh, nothing, nothing at all। Shall we continue with our lesson then?


The linguist quickly jots down some notes।

LINGUIST: (With a sense of urgency and renewed commitment।) Yes, absolutely. We must. I insist.

The very next morning when the king resumed his lessons, he did so with a Jamaican accent and the day after that with a Mexican one। And the day after that an Indian one. Finally, it became apparent to the linguist that the source or cause of the king’s speech impediment (a stutter) was not due to any congenital condition, learnt behavior or Scottish heritage, but because he was a coward.


LINGUIST: Begging your pardon, your magnificence। But I have not the expertise or mastery over the various Indian dialects to instruct you in successfully deceiving the Nazi SS.

THE KING: (Stuttering) Nnnnaaazzziiisss? Whhheeerrree?

There are no Nazis here, my Lord. We are alone.

The king takes a step back। Nearly fainting, he holds onto the back of a lawn chair for support. He breathes a sigh of relief and quickly recovers, grabbing his chest to feel his heart through his clothes.

THE KING: Oh, good। You had my heart racing there for a second.

LINGUIST: Yes your majesty।

THE KING: Well, then। How about that African clicking dialect I've heard so much about?

LINGUIST: That I can do, my Lord.

Just as soon as the king of England was secure that he had sufficient command over half a dozen foreign dialects to allude capture, he readied to deliver his resignation in a live speech before the embattled nation. Fully packed and prepared to leave the country immediately thereafter. Only it was not necessary as the Americans entered the war saving England and Europe once again.


The king, standing before a crowd of thousands in a stadium and millions more listening on the radio, reaches out his hand to grab the microphone that nearly encompasses his entire face to speak to the nation। The crowed grows silent.

THE KING: Click. Click, click. Click

The linguist standing off to the side of the king with a microphone of his own translates the African Clicking language into English.

LINGUIST: I, your king…

THE KING: (Cont'd.) Click।

LINGUIST: (Cont'd.) Wait…

Everyone's attention (including that of the linguist and king) is drawn to the sound of engines coming from the partially cloudy sky above।

THE KING: (Cont'd.) Click Click. Click.

LINGUIST: (Cont'd.) Are those American P-38 fighter planes flying overhead?

THE KING: (Speaking in English now) Wow! I feel so much better।

LINGUIST: (Repeating the king's speech) Wow! I feel so much better.

The linguist and king embrace.


Roll Credits

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.