Washington, D.C. -- 'New Moon’ is not only well on its way to braking box office records but the hearts of countless teenaged girls along the way too -- If you believe the warning issued by the Surgeon General against under aged girls viewing the supernatural heartthrob movie without parental supervision, that is.
“We have received hundreds of complaints from parents throughout the nation and abroad of their teenaged daughters spontaneously losing their virginity and becoming pregnant shortly after watching the movie ‘New Moon,” said Alfred Smitt, spokesman for the office of the Surgeon General.
And in many of the cases, even during the movie, while the parents helplessly looked on.
“I took my 15 year-old daughter to go see ‘New Moon’ this weekend,” said Patricia Rockford, 34, and a single mother. “And sometime while watching Jacob on that big movie screen, my little baby became a woman. Right there in the dark. Before my very eyes.”
Miss Rockford says, like hundreds of accounts like hers, that by the time the movie was over, her daughter already started showing signs of pregnancy.
“She got morning sickness right there in the theater, puking in her tub of popcorn, ” said Miss Rockford. “And by the time the movie was over, my baby’s feet and ankles were swollen and her nose ballooned up, too.”
Miss Rockford had to call the ushers to help assist pull her daughter up from out of her movie seat and walk her down the aisle, she waddled so badly.
Later in the parking lot, with the ushers watching, Miss Rockford helped her teenage daughter give birth to a healthy baby boy in the backseat of their car.
“Wow!” commented one of the ushers. “I’ve only heard of this sort of thing happening at drive-in theaters. Like the Vineland in the City of Industry, California.”
The Office of the Surgeon General says they are doing all they can to prevent the loss of virginity and unwanted teen pregnancy by getting the word out, but the success of the ‘New Moon’ movie is nothing less then phenomenal.
“The Surgeon General is just overwhelmed,” said Mr. Smitt. “I mean have you seen Jacob without his shirt? The man has got muscles where I never knew it was possible to have muscles. I’ll just die if it’s a CGI [computer generated image] special effect. I’m going back to see it again right after work. Oh hell, I’ll just say I’m sick and go see it before then. Hey, maybe I’ll call in sick tomorrow too.”
Physicians are at a loss as to what could be causing the spontaneous loss of virginity and equally unexplained pregnancies occurring in teenage girls that have seen the movie and still others that have just seen the trailers.
“As a man of science,” said Roger Shepard a physician on staff with the office of the Surgeon General. “Occam’s razor has taught me over the years that the simplest explanation is often the correct one. So I am inclined to conclude that Jacob’s muscular structure is a CGI special effect but that Edward’s is not. Go Team Edward!”
Psychologists theorize that the supernatural effects, although computer generated, are affecting the subconscious mind, awaking some untapped power from the id within us all; causing the manifestation of spontaneous loss of virginity, ‘Immaculate Conception’ and accelerated pregnancy.
“We decided to keep the baby,” said Miss Rockford, while playing with her daughter’s newborn baby boy and rubbing her swollen belly, obviously pregnant herself. “After all, little Jacob here, he can’t wait for little Edward to come out and play with him? -- No he can’t. No he can’t.”
Copyright © 2008-9 By Robert W. Armijo
