Pope Francis Canonizes Junipero Serra for Converting More People to Catholicism Than The Spanish Inquisition

By Robert W. Armijo

“Not since the Spanish Inquisition had the Catholic Church seen such a surge in conversions,” confessed Pope Francis at a special Mass held in Washington, D.C. where he canonized the eighth century missionary and first saint on American soil.

“Father Junipero Serra was like, like..” the Pope from Argentina said. Then he paused, turning to his Cardinals., speaking to them in Italian. 

Pope Francis then looked out to the congregation, shrugging his shoulders in obvious frustration.

“Um, how do you say in America,” continued the Holy See but this time in English. “Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Father Junipero Serra was like your Terminator...”

The congregation sucked in a collective gasp.

“...Unstoppable,” continued the Pope, unaffected by the congregation’s reaction.

The congregation breathed out a collective sigh of relief.

“He just kept converting and converting and converting,” continued the Pope. “Until there was no one left...”

“...To convert,” continued the Pope, still unaffected by the congregation’s reaction.

Again, the congregation breathed out a collective sigh of relief.

Protests by Native Americans were held throughout the nation, but more so in California where Father Junipero Serra built a string of missions across the state. 

The Vatican has acknowledged the atrocities committed on Native Americans by the Church. 

Pope John Paul II even went so far as to issue an official apology over a decade ago.

“Many of my people died,” somberly reflected, Long Bear; a Native American and a major stake holder in the Morongo Desert Indian Casino. “Here, let me comp you."

Long Bear then pulled out of his back pocket a bundle of business-sized cards, bound together with a rubber band.

“Show this card to the cashier at the all-you-can-eat buffet,” said Long Bear. “And your meal will be free.”

Then, after pausing a moment, Long Bear shuffled through some more cards.

“Here,” said Long Bear, after exchanging cards.

“She’ll take half off your meal with this one instead,” said Long Bear.

“The missions worked well together,” explained the Pope. “All acting like a giant net; so if the natives escaped one, they’d get caught by the other.”

Pope Francis then further illustrated his point by pretending to be vigorously running from one end of the alter to the other; each time being intercepted by a Cardinal at opposite ends.

The congregation nervously laughed at the Pope’s comedic antics.

“Let me be serious now,” said the Pope, as he waited for the laughter to die down.

“Sure many native peoples lost their lives,” finally acknowledged, Pope Francis. “But consider this, if you will: how many more of them that managed to survive have since gained life, eternal?”

This time, the congregation did not know whether to let out a collective gasp or sigh. So they settled on nervous applause instead.

Photos courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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