South Wins Civil War Re-enactment; After First to Use Atomic "Canon" Ball

Washington, D.C. --

Civil War re-enactment actors line the street and stare in disbelief as President Abraham Lincoln is hauled off to the gallows in handcuffs. "Hey, fellas," says the actor portraying President Lincoln, as he passes by in the back of an open-air horse driven carriage. "What’s, um, going on?"

After a brief trial by military tribunal conducted by the Confederate Army of the South with General Robert E. Lee and Lt. General Nathan Bedford Forrest and his critter company, President Lincoln is found guilty of failing to adhere to the Articles of Confederacy, violating states’ rights.

"You had your chance to stop the State of New England from letting the black man vote," yelled out one Rebel.

"Or the State of New York from prohibiting us from transporting our slaves across their state line," yelled out another.

"Yeah, but don’t you see," replied the re-enactment actor, while still in character as President Lincoln. "That would have meant that I had to violate their state rights to uphold yours."

Slowly the carriage comes to a stop as it reaches the gallows, constructed in the parking lot of a ‘Piggly Wiggly’ store.

There President Abraham Lincoln’s handcuffs are removed as he is allowed to hug his re-enactment wife.

Taking center place among the members of his cabinet on the gallows, President Lincoln is allowed to step forward and say his final peace before he is hung for high treason…


"We got so tired of getting all dressed up just to lose year after year," explains William Garry, whose great, great grandfather fought in the Civil War as a Confederate, reflecting on the unanticipated come of this year’s re-enactment of the Civil War on its 150th year anniversary.

So Garry and his fellow Confederate re-enactment soldiers decided to mix things up a bit by convincing their counterparts on the Union side that this time they would be investing more of their resources in super "canon" ball technology, rather than winning battles but losing the war.

"I thought it was a good deal," said the re-enactment actor playing the role of Ulysses S. Grant. "To tell you the truth, when re-enacting a historical event like the Civil War, knowing the outcome in advance is a real buzz kill."

According to historians, the South with its limited access to resources should not have been able to invent an atomic "canon" ball.

"The discovery of the splitting of the atom aside. Not having taken place until three score or more after the Civil War," said a historian. "There is no way the South could have built the thing. They just did not have the resources."

"Actually, in our little scenario, the Union was in a race to develop an atomic 'canon' ball too," said "Ulysses S. Grant". "They just stole it from us while we were attempting to use it on the battlefield."

Receiving top secret information from their intricate spy network in Washington, D.C., General Robert E. Lee got advance word of the atomic "canon" ball invention and its deployment to the South.

"Sending in Lt. General Nathan Bedford Forrest and his critter company to intercept it," said Garry. "The rest is history."


Back on the gallows, as spectators gather, President Lincoln prepares to speak just before he is hung.

"Well, I guess as a wartime president, this is the risk I had to take to hold the Union together," said the re-enactment actor as he removed his stovetop hat. Taking a step back he placed the rope around his own neck as his last act of free will. "Executioner do your duty and dispatch me quickly to the undiscovered country. For it's from there, I will complete my unfinished earthly business here."

With that sendoff, the audience applauded and whistled.

Lincoln and all his cabinet then removed their ropes from their necks and bowed to the crowd.

President Lincoln and General Robert E. Lee then shook hands and warmly embrace.

"Same time next year, Mr. Lee?" asked "President Lincoln".

"You got it, Mr. Lincoln," replied "Gen. Robert E. Lee".

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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