Vuvuzelas at World Cup Blamed for Man Being Stung to Death by Bees

Johannesburg, South Africa --

A man in attendance at the World Cup 2010 games in South Africa was found stung to death by thousands of Europeanized bees today. His swollen and bloated body was found under the bleachers after a football [soccer] match between Slovenia and team USA, which ended in a 2 to 2 tie with the Americans having achieved a stunning comeback after being nearly defeated in the first 45 minutes of the game by the weakest players in Group C.

South African officials believe the deceased man was a football fan and not merely a passerby, judging by the elevated blood alcohol level at the time of his death.

As for the cause of his demise, it has not yet been officially determined.

However, security cameras covering the event clearly show the man was walking underneath the stadium bleachers carrying a tray of beer when he stumbled upon a swarm of bees.

Beekeepers around the world have been warning World Cup officials of the danger the vuvuzela horn posses, which they claim collectively mimics the sound of an active beehive.

“When it’s just one [vuvuzela], it posses no threat to a colony of bees,” said Pablo Martinez, a Spanish beekeeper. “But when combined with hundreds or thousands of them, they make a bee-like sound similar to that of bees on the attack.”

Apparently, the resulting droning sound that the vuvuzela produces arouses surrounding bee colonies, causing the drones to become alarmed and placed in a defensive posture.

Rolling up his sleeve exposing recent signs of bee stings on his arm, Martinez claims he had to put on his beekeepers suit and use smoke to calm down his bees because they were so disturbed by all the noise the vuvuzela horn was making.

That was before he figured out that all he had to do was turn down the volume on his TV set to continue watching the World Cup without further disturbance.

“Who won Slovenia or America?” asked Martinez having missed the match, while calming his bees down. “Oh I really don’t care. Just so long as it wasn’t a tie. I’d kill myself if I had to watch them play each other again. Turn up the volume on my TV set and walk right out into my bees without any protection.”

“We can’t be absolutely sure that the bees weren’t already there. Or if they were in deed attracted to the football match by all the vuvuzelas sounding in the stadium,” said a FIFA spokesman at a press conference. Announcing that they are conducting their investigation into the matter after being accused of cowing to the host country’s customs and traditions.

Eager to clear the vuvuzela horn of any fault, at first South African officials tried dismissing the incident as another football fan related death.

Attempting to attribute the thousands of swollen markings on the victim’s body to tiny punches he must have sustained in a violent altercation with vertically challenged humans, rather than bees.

“You never know,” said one South African official, at the time trying to place the cause of death onto pygmy-sized football hooligans. “They could have had very little hands. Tiny hands.”

However, live aerial shots taken of the stadium from the vantage point of a Goodyear blimp hovering overhead seems to confirm the victim’s cause of death was vuvuzela related, showing what appears to be swarm of bees approaching the sports arena just moments before the deadly encounter.

“We thought it was a wisp of clouds at first,” said John Whitmore, pilot of the dirigible who had no warning of the impending mini-winged angels of death.

“I couldn’t hear a damn thing except for those blasted vuvuzelas,” said Whitmore.

Whitmore’s co-pilot attempted to warn him of the swarm of bees that he was flying into by way of hand gestures and impromptu game of charades.

“I couldn’t understand a damn word he was saying. Much less what he was doing,” said Whitmore.

Not until the co-pilot stopped flapping his arms about the cockpit and picked up a vuvuzela, blowing it into Whitmore’s ear.

“Then the damn thing came to me,” continued Whitmore. “We were about to collide with a conflagration of angry bees.”

Fortunately, Whitmore and his co-pilot were able to take evasive maneuvers avoiding a full on collision with the bees, barely making an emergency landing after losing altitude.

Later, Whitmore posed next to his damaged dirigible for photojournalists, showing the bee stings his lighter than air aircraft had incurred in its airborne encounter.

“I guess they thought my airship was a giant rival queen bee,” Whitmore speculated. “Thought maybe it was responsible for making all that noise.”

After the conclusion of their investigation, South African officials say they intend to return the victim’s body back to its country of origin, which will be difficult to determine, as the individual was not carrying any identification on his person.

“I guess we’ll just have to wait for the football team that he was cheering for to come claim his body,” said the coroner, expecting that will be anytime soon after the conclusion of the World Cup. “By then, the swelling should go down a bit, too.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo