Punxsutawney Phil Appointed to Head White House Council to Reopen America

"WTF Is Going On?!"

Washington, D.C. --

By Robert W. Armijo

Overshadowed by the news of President Trump  appointing Ivanka and Jared Kushner to the White House Council to Reopen America, the mainstream media missed the other news of the  appointment of Punxsutawney Phil to head the controversial advisory body to the president. 

The White House denies the appointment of the world famous weather predicting groundhog is a political one. 

“Punxsutawney Phil has been predicting an early or late spring since 1887 by whether or not he could see or not see his shadow,” said a White House spokesman. “The president believes the groundhog’s credentials speak for themselves and are unimpeachable.”

Critics maintain, however, that the appointment had everything to do with Punxsutawney Phil declaring an early spring earlier this year on February 2. 

“By nature, the president is an optimist,” said a White House spokesman. “So it is only natural  that he would want a fellow optimist to lead the council to reopen America. After all, the decision to reopen America is just as much an art as it is a science.”

Photo(s) courtesy of Wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Covid-19 Joke #2

Q: What's Oprah Winfrey's Social Distancing Book of the Covid-19 Month Club Pick?













A: Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.






Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Kingdom of Sussex Throne Thrown into Chaos as Leaderless Countryside Somberly Awaits the Onslaught of the Literary Device of "The Fisher King " -- [♫Ton -Ton - Ton♫]

-- Sussex, UK

By Robert W. Armijo

Amidst rumors of sheep herding dogs, cows  milking themselves and locals driving on the right side of the road, resulting head-on collisions with out of towners, a number of Sussexians gather at a local pub to discuss the series of strange events since the removal of their Duke Harry from the throne by the queen.

“Hedgehogs have stopped hedging,” said Jones, born and raised in Sussex all his life. “Now they just hangout by the roadside; waiting for a car to drive by, so they can step out in front and get smashed.”

“Yes,” confirmed a fellow Sussexian, holding a pint of ale under his nose. “I have noticed that too.”

“I’ve seen them politely queue up first then one by one step out in front of cars with a glazed look in their eyes,” another Sussexian added, holding a pint of ale under his nose.

“Unless it’s a lorry,” said an out of town truck driver as he entered the pub, removing his coat and cap covered in blood, fur and tinny little hedgehog bones. “Then they rush you all at once like some kind of dance of the lemmings -- Hey, what’s up with you all suddenly driving on the wrong side of the road, I had to dodge three of you just this morning. Almost hit head-on, that I almost did. I almost did.”    

“What do you ever mean?” Jones questioned, now holding a pint of ale under his nose. “We’ve always driven that way.” 

[♫Ton - Ton - Ton♫]

To Be Continued…?

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Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Biden Gets Lost During a Friendly Game of Peek-A-Boo at the Airport

Unfortunately, Biden's attempt to entertain the child failed
as the presidential candidate suddenly vanished into thin air
right before the child's eyes. 

-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

Joe Biden had been engaged in a game of Peek-A-Boo with a small child while waiting to disembark from his flight in South Carolina today when the 2020 presidential candidate suddenly became confused, disoriented and disappeared from the sight of his staff.  

“Peek-A-Boo,” said Biden to the small child as he held up his two hands to his face. “I see you -- Hey, where [BLEEP] did everybody go?” 

"It was weird," said the father of the small child Biden had been playing the game of Peek-A-Boo. "One second he was there and the next he was gone."  

Biden was later found by airport security sitting on an unclaimed baggage carousel. Going round and round.  

Reportedly, airport security had to tell Mr. Biden to stop putting his hands up to his face, as each time that he would, he would wonder off back to the unclaimed baggage carousel. 

Finally, after several attempts, Biden was eventually reunited with his staff.

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright (C) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Iowa Caucus Denies Plausible Deniability or Errors of Omission by DNC Election Server Still Located in Ukraine

"And I Thought I Was Fast""

Iowa’s Delayed Final Caucus Results Just In: Anyone But Senator Bernie Sanders!

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright (c) 2020 by Robert W, Armijo. All rights reserved.  

Top 10 Animals on the Exotic Meat Market List

                       By Robert W. Armijo

"What Smells Sooo Good?
Me!!!"

      10) Peacock Pecan Pie

9) Wolfgang Pup Hot Pockets

8) Bear Claw (Not the Donut Kind)

7) Bambi Burgers

6) Miss Piggy in a Blanket

5) Kermit’s French Fried Frog Legs

4) Infinity and Beyond Burger (?)

3) Camel Toe (Yeah, That Kind)

2) Unicorn Fetus Served a la carte

1)  Dragon, Tiger *Phoenix Soup  

*Note: Some customers have reported indigestion, complaining that they just cannot seem keep this portion of the soup down.

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

CoronaVirus Medical Questionnaire 2020

CoronaVirus Medical Questionnaire 2020

In the past month have you or anyone you have come into contact with traveled to city of Wuhann in China?

In the past month have you or anyone you have come into contact with any of the members of the American rap group Wu Tang Clan?

In the past month have you or anyone you have come into contact with ordered and consumed any of the following animals from the online exotic meat market in Wuhann?

List of Exotic Animals Possibly Infected

with the CoronaVirus

Peacock Pecan Pie………………………………...…Yes or No?

Emu Ears.…………………………………………….Yes or No?

Wolf Pups….………....................................................Yes or No?

Bambi Burgers………………………………………..Yes or No?

Miss Piggy in a Blanket……………..…………….….Yes or No?

Infinity and Beyond Burgers………………………....Yes or No?

Koala Baby Bump Burgers (BBQ only)..…………....Yes or No?

Camel Hump…………………………………………Yes or No?

Camel Toe……………………………………………Yes or No?

Mermaid Milk (chocolate only).…………………..…Yes or No?

Tiger Claw……………………………………….…..Yes or No?

Bear Claw (Not the Donut Kind)…………………....Yes or No?

Dragon Wings (Buffalo Wings Are Okay).………....Yes or No?

Dragon, Tiger and *Phoenix Soup…..……………....Yes or No?

*Note: Some patients have reported indigestion, complaining that they just cannot seem keep this portion of the soup down.

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright (c) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

CoronaVirus Joke #1

The Chinese government quarantines the city of Wuhann, ground zero of CoronaVirus outbreak. As a further precautionary measure, it has announced the house arrest of members of the American rap group Wu Tang Clan.  



Photo(s) Courtesy of Wpclipart.com 

Copyright (C) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Speaker of the House (Nancy Pelosi) “Perp Walks” to the Senate Articles of Impeachment of the 45th Commander and Chief of the United States of America, President Donald John Trump

Nancy Pelosi  buzzes Capitol Hill
with Articles of Impeachment 

-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

With TV cameras rolling and newspaper cameras flashing, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi perp walked the “I’m Just a Bill” cartoon  character from the popular 1970s child education TV show series “Schoolhouse Rock”, which aired every Saturday morning -- Thereby officially transmitting to the Senate the Articles of Impeachment of the 45^th Commander and Chief of the United States of America, President Donald John Trump. 

“What the [BLEEP] is going on?” asked the animated scroll, whose button “Bill” was stricken with a red line and replaced with the scrawled words “Articles of Impeachment” instead.

“Really, I want to know what the [BLEEP] is going on?” continued I Am Just a Bill. “I’m just a bill or at least I use to be. Would somebody please tell me, what the [BLEEP] is going on?”

 Just then I Am Just a Bill broke out into song.

"♫ I’m just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill ♫,” sang the sad scrap of paper.  

“Stop singing that,” said Pelosi to I Am Just a Bill. “You’re not just a bill."

“But I’m just a bill. See?” said I Am Just a Bill, pointing to his doctored button. “Well, anyway, I use to be.”

“You see,” said Pelosi as she dragged the reluctant scroll of parchment behind her into the Senate chamber. "You’re the articles of impeachment now!”

“I guess...WAIT! WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS GOING --” said I Am Just a Bill, as the Senate chamber doors closed shut behind him with a clap of thunder.

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

  

Stealth Bomber Commanded by Nancy Pelosi Manned by All-Female Crew from the 2020 Rose Parade Flies Over the Capitol in Holding Pattern, Carrying Articles of Impeachment, the Whistle Blower and Hunter Biden

Nancy Pelosi Commands an All-Female Flight Crew of a Stealth Bomber
Flying Over Capitol Hill with the Two Articles of Impeachment,
the Whistle Blower and Hunter Biden On-board

Washington, D.C. –

By Robert W. Armijo

“It’s the safest place I could think of storing them,” said Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. “After all, President Trump has made threats to subpoena the whistle blower. Who knows, he may attempt to subpoena the articles of impeachment and Hunter Biden as well for his upcoming trial in the Senate. I don’t know yet. We’ll see. Maybe.”  

“You okay up there, my boy?” asked Joe Biden in a ground to air radio call to his son, Hunter Biden. 

“Yeah, I am okay pop,” Hunter replied.

“Are they feeding you enough, son?” asked Joe. 

“Oh yeah,” Hunter replied “I just got a big salary.”

“Celery?” said Joe. “Why that’s not enough to eat, boy. You know it takes more calories to consume that God [BLEEP] vegetable then you can get any nutrition out of it.”   

“No, dad,” replied Hunter. “Salary! Not Celery. I’m taking in six figures every time this big bird buzzes the White House.” 

“Oh,” said Joe. “Okay. So long as you’re getting enough to eat.”  

“And how, pop,” said Hunter. “You can say that again.”

 “Oh,” said Joe. “Okay. So long as you’re getting enough to eat.”  

“Huh?” replied Hunter. 

“I will circle the skies over the Capitol in my stealth bomber with an empowering all-female crew fresh from the 2020 Rose Parade like the sword hanging over the head of Damocles until the Senate can assure me that President Donald J. Trump will be given a fair and impartial trial without a lawyer present, any evidence presented or ability to call any witnesses in his defense,” said Pelosi. 

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart.com 

Copyright (C) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.