Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts

Cat People vs. Dog People Joke #1

 A recent veterinarian study shockingly disclosed that cats will eat their owners within hours of their death, while Pit Bulls eat their owners alive.

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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Pit Bull Gives Breed Bad Name by Saving Elderly Woman’s Life

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania --

When Jaws would dig under his backyard fence and run out into the neighborhood, children ran into their homes screaming. Well, not anymore.

“Now all the kids in the neighborhood come knocking on my door, asking me if Jaws can come out and play with them,” said Alfred Mayhem, proud owner of the 3-year-old Pit Bull turned Lassie.

“You see,” said John Willard a Pit Bull breeder and advocate. “Jaws not only changed his image in his neighborhood from predator to protector, but that of his entire breed as well.”

All by saving an elderly woman last week that fell into a ditch next to his master’s house.

“Let’s face it,” continued Mr. Willard. “Pit Bulls have a bad reputation to uphold. It’s hardly their fault that they can generate 2,000 lbs. of pressure in their bite. After all, they’re just born that way.”

And whether or not that bad reputation will continue, remains to be seen claims Mr. Willard.

“Now because of this, this good deed, Jaws has done, the reputation of the breed is in jeopardy,” said Mr. Willard. “If this keeps up, I’m going into breeding Chihuahuas.”

Mr. Willard then claimed to know of at least one nearly fatal dog attack involving a Chihuahua. One in which a lady was initially bitten on her big toe, eventually losing her entire leg.

“Granted, her leg was amputated by a surgeon, not the Chihuahua," conceded Mr. Willard. "And yes, before you ask, she had diabetes. Still, it just goes to show you, you shouldn’t stereotype breeds. And that Chihuahuas can be just as deadly too. Under certain circumstances.”

As Jaws looked down into the ditch at the helpless injured elderly lady, he began to bark.

However, it was not Jaws’ insistent barking that alerted his master and neighbors. They had grown accustomed to that.

Rather, what alerted them that an elderly woman was in trouble was what Jaws would do next. Or rather, what they always suspected he would do one day.

“We all thought, ‘Oh my God. He finally did it! He’s gone killed an old lady!” said a neighbor.

“That is what finally got everyone’s attention: Jaws with an elderly woman in his mouth," stated the police report.

Immediately a mob mentality took over the neighborhood, as people grabbed their pitchforks and torches headed for the ditch. Headed for Jaws.

As the angry mob approached, Jaws’ protective instincts kicked in.

“We didn’t know he was standing guard over the injured elderly lady, protecting her,” later said a member of the mob from his hospital bed. “We thought Jaws had killed her. And was trying to bury her remains in that ditch. So he could dig her up later for a bite to eat.”

It was only when the elderly lady showed signs of life, waving off the mob’s ensuing attack on Jaws that the melee finally ended.

Ever since that day, however, Jaws has been acknowledged and rewarded as a hero in the media.

“Not only that,” said a neighbor. “Jaws’ owner and the surviving members together with the living relatives of the deceased mob have agreed to drop all pending litigation against each other.”

“We’re all one big happy family,” said another neighbor. “And to think, all it took was that old lady falling into a ditch and Jaws taking down half the neighborhood to bring us together.”

Now days, the kids in the neighborhood are no longer afraid of Jaws. Long gone is the ill repute of the Pit Bull as well.

“They even invented a new game to play with him,” said Jaws' owner. “They all line up in the ditch at the side of my house, pretending to be an elderly lady so Jaws can rescue them.”

Waiting for Jaws to drag them out of the ditch with his powerful jaws, the kids’ roll from side to side. Moaning as if injured in a fall.

“With 5-year-old Tammy being the exception, of course,” said Jaws’ owner.

“Me! Me! I’m next! I’m next! Come and get me, Jaws!” Tammy yells aloud, as she cuts to the front of the line, lying down in the ditch. So she can be next to be dragged out by Jaws.

As Tammy rolls from side to side moaning and groaning right along with the other children, she gets Jaws’ attention. Slowly he moves in on her.

Neighbors, whose arms and legs are still wrapped in bandages and casts, look on from the side of the ditch. Smiling and laughing.

“I’m ready to be dragged away by you in your jaws, Jaws,” says Tammy. “Ouch! Not so hard!”

“I’ll get the pitchforks!” yells out a neighbor.

“I’ll get the torches!” replies another.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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World's Ugliest Dog Crown Revoked -- "Dog" revealed as Mexican Sewer Rat

Petaluma, California --
Scandal broke out at the annual Marin-Sonoma County Fair's World's Ugliest Dog competition last Friday. As officials had to revoke the Crown awarded to "Elwood," then believed to be a 2-year-old crossbreed mix of Chinese Crested and Chihuahua, when they discovered to their horror it was not actually a canine at all that they bestowed the title World's Ugliest Dog, but a Mexican sewer rat.

Officials became suspicious when after they had just awarded, "Postal," the World's Ugliest Cat, and the two were to pose for pictures for the media. While on stage posing for the cameras, Elwood became nervous and jumpy, and then suddenly leaped from his owner's hands onto the stage with Postal, in hot pursuit.

"I had no idea it was a Mexican sewer rat," said Karen Quigly, the owner of Elwood. "I purchased him by mail order from a puppy mill in China. They assured me Elwood was half Chihuahua. I mean he looked like he was half Chihuahua. Right?"

Veterinarians warn it is a common mistake often made by owners of the Chihuahua canine breed.

"It happens more often then you think," said Paul Gonzales, veterinarian. "People come in with their Chihuahua's for a checkup only for me to discover they really have a Mexican sewer rat for a dog."

According to his owner, Elwood was very popular with all the cats in the neighborhood too, who liked to follow him around every time she took him for a walk.

"I just thought cats liked him," said Quigly. "I never realized they were trying to eat him."

"The rules are very clear," said an official for the event. "The contestants must belong to the canine species, not rodent. We had no choice but to revoke the crown, title, and force the forfeiture of the 1,000 prize money."

Officials say they may have to exclude Chihuahuas altogether form the event if they are unable to make a clearer distinction between the species by next year's competition.

"That will be difficult," continued Gonzales. "It's almost impossible at times. I often have to result to taking a DNA sample to make a positive identity. But that can be expensive and the results can take several weeks."

Sadly, each year dozens of Chihuahuas are brought to Gonzales that were caught in traps set in peoples basements, mistakenly taken for a rat.

Currently, Gonzales is working with the American Canine Society to develop a cheaper and faster litmus test to help better distinguish Chihuahuas from Mexican sewer rats, but they are still a ways off.

Copyright 2008 by Robert W. Armijo