Showing posts with label Oprah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Oprah. Show all posts

Lance Armstrong Shares Oprah Style ‘Aha Moment’ with Oprah on OWN

Chicago, Illinois –

“So, Lance,” said Oprah to the former seven-time winner of the Tour de France, while taping the interview for her Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) cable show. “When did you have your ‘Aha moment’?”

“What do you mean?” asked Lance Armstrong.

“You know…” said Oprah, referring to the compilation of international news clips accusing her guest of cheating that she just played.

“Oh you mean when I woke up in my bed all alone,” said Lance Armstrong. “Rolled over and realized Sheryl Crow was gone?”

“No,” said Oprah.

“Oh you must mean when I first realized I had one [go]nad left due to a life threatening bout with testicular cancer?” said Lance Armstrong.

“No,” said Oprah.

“Oh you then you must mean how I got the idea for these yellow wristbands? Reminding people of cancer awareness?” said Lance Armstrong.

“No,” said Oprah.

“What then?” asked Lance Armstrong.

“I mean ‘Aha moment’ like when you first realized that you had to come clean about your blood doping,” said Oprah. “I mean ‘Aha moment’ like when you first realized your entire career as a professional cyclist was built on a lie. And despite the growing mountain of evidence against you all these years, you choose instead to live in denial. Rather than face your house of cards that has now come crashing down all around you. That’s what I mean by ‘Aha moment’!”

“What?” replied Lance Armstrong, looking surprised. “When did that happen?”

Then rising to his feet, Lance Armstrong rushed the camera decrying, “I’m Lance Armstrong! Seven-time winner of the Tour de France! Cancer survivor! See this yellow wristband I’m wearing? Millions of people wear one just like it all because of me! I helped save countless lives!…I sacked, Sheryl Crow!”

Lance Armstrong then fell to his knees and broke down into a sobering heap on the floor, “What do you people want from me? I lost one [go]nad already, man. Isn’t that enough? Or do you want the other one too?”

“Anybody got a pocket knife?” yelled out, Oprah. “How about a nail clipper? A nail file will do -- Sorry, Lance. But my ratings are down, way down. And I got to get them back up. Now hold still. Don’t worry. I got plenty of experience. I do this at least once a week to Stedman.”

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Fans React to Oprah Finale: "Where’s My [BLEEP] Damn Car?!"

Chicago, Illinois --

In the parking lot waving a piece of paper in her hand, Charlene Jackson, 25, stood on the hood of her car, a compact clunker model from the late 1980s. As other Oprah fans exiting the finale shuffled solemnly by, she encouraged them to join her. To sign her petition in hopes of forming a class action lawsuit to sue "The Big O" for not having a single makeover, dream vacation giveaway or especially a new car for her loyal fans that attended her final show.

"Sure we all love Oprah. And we’re all real sorry to see her go," said Charlene Jackson to growing crowd that all nodded their heads in agreement with her. "Now I have just one question to ask Oprah that she never got around to answering and that is: Where’s my [BLEEP] damn car?!"

The crowd roared with applause.

"Well, since Oprah never answered my question. I guess will," continued Charlene Jackson "I’ll tell you where it is…"

Charlene Jackson then jumped down from the hood of her car.

"It’s right here!" said Charlene Jackson banging the hood of her car, putting yet another dent in it.

Convincing the crowd that she along with the rest of them deserved a new car, Charlene Jackson got dozens of signatures before she was detained by security and her car towed away by police for expired vehicle registration.

Later, Charlene Jackson was spotted waving another piece of paper. Only this time it was a dollar bill she was waving in the air and she was not standing on the hood of her car. But a bus bench, awaiting the arrival of public transportation.

"Where’s my [BLEEP] damn bus?!" Charlene Jackson yelled out to passing cars. "Where’s my [BLEEP] damn bus?!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All right reserved.