“So, Lance,” said Oprah to the former seven-time winner of the Tour de France, while taping the interview for her Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) cable show. “When did you have your ‘Aha moment’?”
“What do you mean?” asked Lance Armstrong.
“You know…” said Oprah, referring to the compilation of international news clips accusing her guest of cheating that she just played.
“Oh you mean when I woke up in my bed all alone,” said Lance Armstrong. “Rolled over and realized Sheryl Crow was gone?”
“No,” said Oprah.
“Oh you must mean when I first realized I had one [go]nad left due to a life threatening bout with testicular cancer?” said Lance Armstrong.
“No,” said Oprah.
“Oh you then you must mean how I got the idea for these yellow wristbands? Reminding people of cancer awareness?” said Lance Armstrong.
“No,” said Oprah.
“What then?” asked Lance Armstrong.
“I mean ‘Aha moment’ like when you first realized that you had to come clean about your blood doping,” said Oprah. “I mean ‘Aha moment’ like when you first realized your entire career as a professional cyclist was built on a lie. And despite the growing mountain of evidence against you all these years, you choose instead to live in denial. Rather than face your house of cards that has now come crashing down all around you. That’s what I mean by ‘Aha moment’!”
“What?” replied Lance Armstrong, looking surprised. “When did that happen?”
Then rising to his feet, Lance Armstrong rushed the camera decrying, “I’m Lance Armstrong! Seven-time winner of the Tour de France! Cancer survivor! See this yellow wristband I’m wearing? Millions of people wear one just like it all because of me! I helped save countless lives!…I sacked, Sheryl Crow!”
Lance Armstrong then fell to his knees and broke down into a sobering heap on the floor, “What do you people want from me? I lost one [go]nad already, man. Isn’t that enough? Or do you want the other one too?”
“Anybody got a pocket knife?” yelled out, Oprah. “How about a nail clipper? A nail file will do -- Sorry, Lance. But my ratings are down, way down. And I got to get them back up. Now hold still. Don’t worry. I got plenty of experience. I do this at least once a week to Stedman.”
