Melee Breaks Out at ‘Breaking Dawn’ During Right to Life Vs. Pro-Choice Debate

Hollywood, California –

Chants of “Team Jacob!” and “Team Edward!” among the mostly female and teenaged viewing audience of the movie ‘Breaking Dawn’ were quickly replaced by shouts of “It’s a Fetus!” and “It’s a Baby!”

The Right to Life and Pro-Choice debate unexpectedly surfaced when in a scene in the movie featured two females vampires characters describing Bella Swan’s unborn child in one of two divergent ways: one as a fetus and the other as a baby.

So heated and divisive was the debate, two best friends forever (BFFs) both avid fans of the ‘Twilight’ novellas and movie series soon find themselves on opposite sides of the argument, right there in the cinema.

With the house lights on, the usher warned the theater audience for the last time to simmer down or he would not turn the movie projector back on.

“I’ll kick out the whole lot of you, too!” threatened the usher.

The near mob slowly began to calm down.

However, not before two BFFs looked at each other in shock as they heard over the quieting din of the crowd each other’s voices expressing opposite opinions.

“It’s a fetus,” whispered a defiant Buffy. A teenaged girl to her BFF, as they both sat back down in their seats.

“It’s a baby,” Jodi whispered right back, equally as defiant.

“Look,” said Buffy offering popcorn to Jodi, as the house lights dimmed and the ‘Breaking Dawn’ movie resumed. “We’re fighting over nothing.”

“You call a baby, 'nothing?” replied Jodi.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” said Buffy.

“Oh?” said Jodi. “What did you mean then?”

“It’s all a matter of semantics,” said Buffy.

“Wait,” said Jodi. “What does being Jewish have to with anything?”

“Semantics, silly,” said Buffy. “Not Semitic.”

“Oh,” said Jodi. “Okay. Go on then.”

“Like I was saying,” continued Buffy. “We’re arguing over nothing, because it’s all semantics really.”

“Really?” repeated a doubtful Jodi.

“Really,” said Buffy. “Because whatever is inside Bella.”

“Whatever?” repeated Jodi.

“Yes, whatever is inside Bella,” said Buffy. “Whether you call it a baby or I a fetus, it’s killing her, right?”

“Right,” said Jodi.

“Therefore it has to be killed,” Buffy paused to give Jodi a chance to mentally catch-up with her point. “Because…”

“I get it!” said Jodi. “Because, it’s a murderer!”

“That’s right,” said Buffy. “Now can we please get back to watching the movie?”

“Yeah, sure,” said Jodi.

Later, after the movie credits rolled on the silver screen and as the two BFFs exited the theater, Jodi turned to Buffy, asking her a question.

“There’s just one thing I don’t understand,” said Jodi.

“What?” replied Buffy.

“How can a baby be a murderer?” said Jodi. “It’s innocent. It doesn’t have a developed mind yet, so how can it be tried, convicted and executed as an adult? Not until at least age 18, or 12 in Texas. And one of the perquisites for a murder conviction is premeditation…Unless you’re advocating capital punishment for the crime of manslaughter? Are you advocating capital punishment for the crime of manslaughter, Buffy?”

“Huh,” Buffy thought to herself. “I can’t believe I fell for the Straw Man argument.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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‘Eclipse’ Stopped as Rob Pattinson Gets Acting Lessons from ‘The Count’ of ‘Sesame Street’ Fame

Sesame Street, New York --

“You call yourself a vampire?” asked “The Count” from ‘Sesame Street’ as he busted into Robert Pattinson’s dressing room trailer on the set of the latest installment of the ‘Twilight’ saga, ‘Eclipse’.

“What? Who are you?” rudely replied an alarmed Robert Pattinson as he sat up in his makeup chair, recoiling his legs from the floor as he took notice of a 3-foot Muppet vampire. ”What are you doing here? Security!”

As “The Count” circled Robert Pattinson, he pulled out from the breast pocket of his vest a handwritten letter of introduction form the director of the new movie.

As Robert Pattinson read the letter that instructed him to cooperate fully with the “pint-sized” vampire, “The Count” wasted no time in foraging about the dressing room trailer looking for the items he needed to transform “Edward” into a real looking vampire like himself.

“You didn’t answer my question,” said “The Count”.

“Well, actually no,” replied a now polite Pattinson as he attempted to fold up the letter and place it in his jeans, before “The Count” snatched it away from him with superhuman lightning fast reflexes. “I’m not really a vampire, you see. I just play one on the silver screen. I’m actually an actor. A proper British actor.”

“You need a widow’s peak,” replied “The Count” as he rifled through the dresser.

“What? Why?” said Pattinson as he rushed the dresser to check his look in the mirror.

“Because in ‘New Moon’, with your bushy eyebrows, a number of your loyalist fans complained that they couldn’t tell you apart from the werewolves,” replied “The Count” as he pulled out a Sharpie permanent marker he found. “Ah, this should do the trick!”

Before Pattinson could object, “The Count” was on top of him, drawing a black inverted triangular shape on his forehead.

“There!” said “The Count” as he placed the cap back onto the Sharpie, stepping back to admire his work. “Now you look more like me, a real vampire. Now for a cloak.”

“Listen,” said Pattinson as he moistened his forefinger, trying to rub off the black ink widow’s peak from his hairline. “I don’t want to look like you, or a real vampire for that matter. I have my own interpretation -- ”

“If that’s your interpretation of a vampire,” interrupted the “The Count” “Then it has been lost in translation.”

Opening up an old trunk that most have been left over from the vaudevillian days, “The Count” pulled out a canister of white pancake powder makeup, fangs, a black cloak and red diplomatic looking red sash with jewel encrusted insignia.

Quickly “The Count” threw the garments, accessories and white powder makeup onto Rob Pattinson.

The transformation was so stunning that both were taken aback by the visionary splendor.

“I can’t believe it,” said Rob Pattinson as he admired his reflection in the mirror, twirling about the dressing room trailer. Catching the air under his cloak, making it flow beneath him. “I look fantastic.”

“Not quite,” said the “The Count” as he removed his monocle, reaching up to place it over Rob Pattinson’s right eye.

“You competed me,” said Rob Pattinson as he began to tear up.

“No,” said “The Count” reaching out with one white-gloved finger, touching Rob Pattnson’s ice-cold purple lips. “Don’t cry. You’ll fog up your monocle.”

“How could I have known?” said Rob Pattinson as he continued to twirl about the room. “How can I ever hope to repay you?”

But as Rob Pattinson slowly stopped twirling, he noticed he was alone in his dressing room trailer again.

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Rob noticed a Rose water scented business card in the foreground and picked it up.

“I thought it was all dream,” Rob softly spoke to himself as he raised the card to his nose, breathing in deeply its fragrant scent. Then turning it over, he noticed some writing on the back of it.

“Rob,” read the card. “Just don’t go out there and pretend to be a vampire. Be the vampire you were meant to be. And remember, I’m counting on you.”

After stuffing the card into the breast pocket of his vest, just like “The Count”, Rob Pattinson finally responded to the knocking at his trailer door.

“Are you ready, Rob?” asked the director. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine…now,” replied Rob. “Be right there.”

A resolved Rob Pattinson rose up out of his make up chair a new man, and as he walked over to the trailer door, flung it wide open, he recalled the words of his friend, “The Count”: ‘Be the vampire you were meant to be.”

“Say,” said the director as he admired Rob Pattinson’s new look. “Looks like that vampire makeover by 'The Count' was worth it.”

Stepping out into the sunshine, Rob Pattinson suddenly yelled out: “It burns! It burns! The sun burns!”

Still hissing, Rob Pattinson covered his face with his cloak, before retreating back inside his trailer and into the old vaudevillian trunk.

“I hate working with method actors,” mumbled the director to himself, as he placed a speed dial call on his cell phone to “The Count”. “Come on, Rob. Kristen is waiting…I got some sun block?”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Comic-Con: “New Moon’ cast shadow over true meaning of convention,” say Nerds and Geeks

San Diego, California --

"I heard that the Star Trekkers are mounting a counter offence out by the Macho Nacho and Taco Stand," said Buck Goldstein, an avid comic book collector and Comic-Con attendee talking into his walkie-talkie to his friend Juan Gomez. "But I don't think anything will come of it."

"Yeah, you're right," replied Gomez through his walkie-talkie. "Those Star Trekkers are real pussies. Always trying to negotiate their way out of a conflict situation. If anyone is going to throw that 'New Moon' freak show out of here, it's going to be the Stormtroopers."

"Yeah, those guys are real bad asses," said Goldstein. "Hey, it's time to switch channels again."

Only it was too late for switching channels on walkie-talkies for Goldstein and Gomez. as security at the Comic-Con were already monitoring their conversation throughout the convention hall.

"That's the way get most of our Intel [intelligence]" said Sgt. Doug Colby, Chief of Comic-Con Security. "These guys come to this things with their walkie-talkies. That way they can split up and cover the most ground. Staking out the most interesting stuff at the show and then rendezvous there."

As the nerds and geeks were busy hatching their plot against the "New Moon" cast members for invading their turf, Sgt. Colby discreetly and strategically deployed his forces throughout the convention floor, ready to spring into action on a moments notice.

"They might be nerds and geeks you picked on when you were in high school. I know I did," said Sgt. Colby. "But they're very territorial and revengeful. Ever seen the movie, "Revenge of the Nerds'? It's the 'Deliverance' movie of my chosen profession. And a true story, too. Only the actual events on which the movie was based involved the bloodshed of innocent lives. Well, that's not going to happen on my watch."

"It's not fair," said Gomez over his walkie-talkie. "Adam West's booth is practically empty, while the 'New Moon' people won't even have enough time to sign autographs for the people that have been standing in line for the past 3 hours."

As the "New Moon" cast members happily signed away their autographs, they might as well have been signing their death certificates as unbeknownst to them an emanate attack was about to take place by the terror of the known galaxy far, far away, Stormtroopers.

"Well, I wouldn't get all that worked up about it," said Sgt. Colby as he picked up his walkie-talkie, slipped his Taser stun gun into its holster and got into a golf cart with another security guard headed out to the convention floor.

"But aren't the Stormtrooper really just a Tour de Force," questioned Goldstein over his walkie-talkie to Gomez.

According to Goldstein, because the Stormtroopers have spent so much money on their Star Wars costumes, often paying for them by making special appearances at parades, birthday parties and bar mitzvahs, they easily back down if confronted.

Suddenly Stormtroopers surrounded the "New Moon" booth, retaking control of the Comic-Con away from the Hollywood elites. But to the Stormtroopers' surprise both cheers and jeers rose up from the crowd.

"Okay, you Stormtoopers. Hold it right there," said Sgt. Colby, pulling up in a security gulf cart covered with "New Moon" movie ads mounted on its sides, hood and roof. "Put down your Blasters, or we'll have to Taser you."

"Don't those things leave a black mark?" asked a Stormtrooper with an orange sash to Sgt. Colby, who had his Taser stun gun pointed right at him.

"More of a charcoal gray really," replied Sgt. Colby as his Taser stun gun now flickered with a blue spark.

"Okay, that's it," spoke the Stormtrooper with an orange sash to the other Stormtroopers through their interlink-coms embedded in their helmets. "We're out of here boys. I didn't spend five grand on this genuine replica Stormtrooper uniform just to get it ruined by a rent-a-cop with a Taser stun gun and the I.Q. of a ferret."

"John Anderson? From La Jolla High School?" said Sgt. Colby as he approached the Stormtrooper with the orange sash on his shoulder. "Is that you under there?"

"Doug Colby?" replied the Stormtrooper with the orange sash on his shoulder, and a tremor in his voice, flinching slightly "You used to beat me up in high school for being a nerd."

"Yeah, those were the days, but they're long gone now," said Sgt. Colby, as he guided the Stormtrooper into the golf cart, placing his Blaster in the back. "Say, John, could I have a private word with you in my office?"

copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo