Showing posts with label Nadya Suleman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nadya Suleman. Show all posts

Octomom Gets Suze Orman’s Top 10 Financial Advice…And Then Some

"Mommy, is
Suze gone yet?"
The following Top 10 List of Financial Advice from that gabby guru of gush, Suze Orman, to the cash-strapped Octomom (Nadya Suleman) was inspired from that recently aired TV program on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Enjoy.

10) Change your last name to something less ethnic sounding like O’Brian. That way you’ll draw more sympathy from the American public and acceptance in the media.

9) Remodel your house into the shape of a giant shoe and ask Pee-wee Herman to marry you. I hear he’s good with kids and is a very snappy dresser. Although be prepared to go down on your hands and knees, because I also hear he doesn’t like to clean up after himself. What? Well, he doesn’t.

8) Sell your bodily fluids. Blood is okay, but urine is better. You can get top dollar selling your pee to someone that’s desperate to pass a drug test. Ladies, you’d be surprised what corporate TV executives will pay, or do, for a clean catch from a menstruating middle-aged woman today -- Believe me, I know.

7) Harvest your organs….Or someone else’s. Wink. Wink. No, just kidding. That’s illegal in most countries…in most countries. Just saying is all.

6) Open up a Day Care Center taking care of your neighbor’s kids. It’s ironic, I know. But trust me, at this point a few more rug rats running around won’t make a difference. Not only that, you’ll get a tax break and will be able to call yourself a “Businesswoman” instead of just a “Housewife”, which for some odd reason helps. I don’t know why. They are the same jobs, just different titles, falling under separate sections of the tax code.

5) Put the “Little Ones” to work. Granted they got tiny hands that can’t grasp much, but they fit well into tight spaces like garbage disposals, pool drains and conveniently under lawnmowers, too.

4) Rent out your womb to a Hollywood celebrity like Angelina-Jolie. Or even a Quasi-Celebrity wannabe like Madonna.

3) Buy a decommissioned school bus, paint it all kinds of crazy hippie colors, bill yourself and the kids as the new “Partridge Family” and hit the road. Never looking back.

2) Still looking for Mr. Right? Insure the hell out of yourself, naming your children as irrevocable beneficiaries and then go on a blind date with some guy you just met on Craigslist. Why then, you’ll be worth more dead than alive.

1) Buy my new book: “How to Succeed by Using Your Feminine Wilds to Bilk Horny Geezers with Nothing Better To Do But Hang Out at a Diner All Day Gawking at What They Perceive to be a Straight Woman Out of Their Hard Earned Cash to Give You Your Big Break in the Lucrative Financial Consultant Business Without Really Trying (Like Me, Suze Orman!)”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

OctoMom’s Doc: I could’ve gone plumper

Los Angeles, California --

During an emotional PowerPoint presentation that was obviously engineered to sway the members of the California medical board in favor of the investigators trying to revoke the medical license of fertility specialist, Dr. Michael Kamrava, who stands accused of violating the medical ethics of his profession by implanting 12 embryos (instead of the recommended two) into the so-called “OctoMom” (Nadya Suleman, divorced), sat quietly.

Although the doctor watched the presentation in silence, he cut his own throat by inadvertently surrendering self-incrimination testimony at the conclusion of the slide show.

“I don’t know,” said a reporter who attended the hearing. “He didn’t seem phased at all by the pregnant pictures of Suleman. In fact, he looked like he was admiring them.”

In the darkened medical board room, images of the alleged victim’s bloated ballistic-like belly reflected off the doctor’s spectacles, as a synchronized soundtrack from the movie “Titanic” played in the background.

As one series of photos ended, another series began; seemingly filling up the projector screen with an endless pride of OctoMom posing in various protruding positions and gigantic states of gestation.

However, as soon as the projector screen went bleach white plank, pausing between each of the 35-year-old Suleman’s 14 pregnancies (as the computer struggled loading up the new data on its hard drive), people eagerly moved about in their seats in anticipation of the lights coming up, only to be disappointed when more pregnant photographs of OctoMom assaulted them instead.

Gasps of shock and disgust, which emanated from the sympatric audience in the beginning, were quickly replaced by groans of “Oh man, not another one” or “What the? Not again!” by the end.

Finally, as the slideshow presentation concluded, the fertility specialist leaned over to whisper into his attorney’s ear.

“I could’ve gone plumper,” gloated the accused as the lights came back on in the room.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo