Tina Fey Stands By Justin Bieber in Paternity Suit

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

New York, New York –

Comedian and actress, Tina Fey, stunned everyone today when at a press conference that she called for, announced her support for the teenaged singing sensation, Justin Bieber in his paternity suit filed against him by a 20-year-old woman, alleging that he is the father of her 3-month-old child.

“Listen everybody,” said Tina Fey as she stood at the podium, her hand shaking a little. “This is not easy for me. I’m a mother for God's sake.”

Tina Fey then stepped back from the podium, asking for a glass of water.

After a few minutes, she regained her composure and continued with the press conference.

“And it’s because I’m a mother,” Tina Fey continued right from where she left off. “That I cannot stand idly by and watch…”

Tina Fey stepped back from the podium again. But this time to signal her assistant to bring out a giant poster of a smiling Justin Bieber, placing it on a stand beside her.

“And watch this fine young man be attacked by that 20-year-old [BLEEP]!” said Tina Fey. “I’m sorry. I’m a little upset.”

Tina Fey paused a moment as she asked for another drink of water, quickly spiting it out.

“Who put water in there?” Tina Fey asked her assistant. “Never mind.”

Once again, after regaining her composer, Tina Fey resumed her position at the podium, addressing the media.

“I guess there’s no other way to say what I’m about to say to you, except just to come right out and say it,” said Tina Fey with a nervous giggle. “Now, what I’m about to say to you will shock you, but I have to say it. I just hope you won’t think any less of me afterwards. It was a one-time thing. Believe me, I’m no slut.”

Tina Fey then pulled out a copy of the Bieber paternity court documents.

“Now, I know for a fact that, that [BLEEP] is lying,” said an obviously obsessed Tina Fey, waving the court pleadings in the air. “See? Right here, she claims Justin Bieber told her she was his first. And that’s impossible, because he told me I was his first.”

Tina Fey paused, nodding her head before continuing.

“That’s right,” said Tina Fey. “I was Justin Bieber’s first. Eat your hearts out, girls. I, Tina Fey, took away his virginity. One Saturday night, live. Now for the rest of his love life, he’ll be comparing y'all hoes to me.”

A reporter then stood up interrupting Tina Fey’s fist pumping with a question.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Fey,” said the reporter. “Mrs. Fey! Mrs. Fey!”

“What?” replied an irritated Tina Fey, as if rudely awoken from a trance.

“Isn’t it possible that Justin Bieber was feeding you and the young lady in the paternity suit a pickup line?” asked the reporter. “You know, just to get older women to sleep with him?”

Tina Fey’s demeanor changed almost immediately.

“Damn that lying little piece of [BLEEP],” said Tina Fey turning to the giant poster of the smiling Bieber, grabbing it off its stand and ripping it up. “I can’t believe I fell for that line, again. When will I ever learn?!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Tracy Morgan: I Should’ve Stuck with My Tsunami Jokes

New York, New York --

Tracy Morgan, star of ’30 Rock’ and former SNL alumni, has recently come under fire from what Gay Rights groups and the mainstream media alike for what is being described as an Anti-Gay rant, during his comedy act in Nashville. But Morgan's friends are standing by him, claming that he expressed regret. Way before his controversial routine hit the fan and subsequently the Internet.

"I heard him say beneath his breath right after he got off stage," said a close friend of Morgan. "He said, ‘I should’ve stuck with my Japanese Tsunami jokes.' Just as if he sensed for himself that his gay jokes did not come off as well has he expected."

Backstage, Tracy Morgan then reportedly yelled out loud enough for audience members in the front row to hear, "Get goddamn Gottfried back on the f***ing phone! Now!"

Unlike fellow comedian, Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired from his voiceover gig as a spokesman duck for an insurance company (that is heavily vested in Japan) for making tasteless jokes about the Japanese Tsunami, Tracy Morgan felt enough time passed that he could safely perform a like-minded comedy stand-up set.

"One that involved insulting, insensitive and tasteless jokes on the same subject, only without getting him into trouble," said Morgan's friend.

However, Tracy Morgan was persuaded not to do that set of prepared jokes, but instead do another.

"Just minutes before Tracy was to go on stage he got a phone call from Gilbert Gottfried, cautioning him to say away from any Japanese Tsunami jokes," explained Morgan's friend.

"Don’t do any Japanese Tsunami jokes," Gilbert Gottfried advised Tracy on the cell phone. "The audience is just not ready for it yet. Trust me. I know. Stick to some tried and true material."

"Like what?" asked Tracy Morgan.

"I don’t know…" said Gilbert Gottfried. "Wait a minute! I got it! Do gay jokes!"

"All gay jokes?" Tracy Morgan questioned.

"Well, not all gay jokes," said Gilbert Gottfried. "Throw in a few N-words and say something violent against women or children involving knives or guns. Anything but tsunamis. Stay away from the tsunamis."

"You think that will work?" asked Morgan.

"For me, as a Jewish comedian, no," replied Gilbert Gottfried. "But you, as a member of a suppressed minority group…I mean a big tough Black guy, sadly, yes. It’s a bit formulaic, but the stuff works."

"Thanks, Gilbert," Tracy Morgan said.

"Think nothing of it," said Gilbert Gottfried before hanging up. "That’s what friends are for. Now remember tragedy plus time equals comedy. Sure, it's all about knowing you're audience, too. But above all, tragedy is what happens to you and comedy is what happens to the other guy. That's what I've had to learn the hard way."

"Or how about taking your new material out for private test drive around the block with a group of your most trusted and diverse friends as possible to help you exercise sound judgment before going public?" asked Tracy Morgan.

"What? No way," said Gilbert Gottfried. "Who has time for that? I sure don't. Besides this comedy, not brain surgery."

"I guess you're right," said Tracy Morgan.

"Of course I am," said Gilbert Gottfried. "I just hope no one in the audience is recording your act and later posts it up on the Internet. Or else, you'll end up like me for sure, screwed!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Tracy Morgan’s Tell-All Book: Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!

Tracy Morgan at his book signing
event in New York city 

New York, New York --

“I’m not the least bit gun shy when it comes to unloading all the dirty laundry of my fellow former SNL cast members,”’ said Tracy Morgan on his recent promotional tour for his book '‘I Am the New Black'’ about his rise from the mean streets of New York City to an Emmy Award nominated actor in Hollywood for his performance on "30 Rock’'. In which some argue he pretty much continues to play himself.

“Why the hell not? They’d do it to me in a New York second, too,” continued Morgan. “Pop a cap in my ass, if I wasn’t looking. I know they would. I just happened to be the one to do it first, which makes me look like the bad guy? But I’m not too worried about that.”

Turning his head from side-to-side, checking to see if no else is looking, Tracy Morgan makes a gun gesture, using his index finger and thumb, adding with a wink, “Tracy Morgan takes care of Tracy Morgan. You know what I mean?”

Insisting that his story is more than a story of rags to riches, Tracy Morgan says, “My story is a story about going from hags to bitches.”

In his new tell-all book, which comes with a special introduction by Maya Angelou in which she dedicates a new poem to him entitled: ‘I Fall’; Tracy Morgan begins his sortie claiming Tina Fey of all things has a chronic foot odor problem.

“Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!” said Tracy Morgan. “And all the time, too.”

Tracy Morgan writes that during SNL read-throughs, Tina Fey would often kickoff her stiletto heels. Only for him to threaten Lorne Michaels that he would walkout, if he did not get her to put her shoes back on.

“Don’t get me wrong I love women’s feet. And believe me Tina has some fine looking feet. But you got to sneak up on them, holding your nose just to get a peek,” writes Morgan, dedicating an entire chapter to the subject. “Women’s feet shouldn’t smell like feet. Only men’s feet should smell like feet.”

Morgan goes on to profess his love for Tina Fey as well, especially for writing him a permanent role on ‘30 Rock’ as the other adorable self-centered insensitive stereotypical male chauvinist pig, opposite Alec Baldwin’s character.

“I love you Tina,” continues Morgan. “You know you’re my girl. And I got your back, but you got to get your smelly feet some medical attention. Go to the ER, girl. Or go see a Catholic priest or something. Maybe even get them amputated.”

Later, Tracy Morgan prided himself on curing Tina Fey’s alleged foot odor problem on the set of ’30 Rock’ at least temporarily, claiming the condition is a lot like the hiccups.

“So one night, when the crew all went home,” confessed Morgan. “And Tina Fey was alone working late, I went down stairs to the underground parking lot and waited for her there.”

Wearing a black ski mask and carrying a rubber knife he barrowed from the prop department, Tracy Morgan hid behind Tina Fey’s car, waiting for her to come down stairs. And when she did, he jumped up behind her, causing her to faint.

“Now Tina doesn’t have smelly feet no more,” said Tracy Morgan. “Although she does have to go to the bathroom every time she sees me. Oh, and sometimes she cries, too. But I can live with that.”

Tracy Morgan’s tell-all book is not just about the shortcomings of his fellow 'Not Ready for Primetime Players', however. He takes a few chapters to remove the rafter from his own eye as well.

While on SNL, Morgan enjoyed dressing up like Maya Angelou.

“It felt good to walk in the high heel shoes of a powerful Black woman,” Morgan said. “It empowered me as a Black man, though I didn’t like it when Lorne hit on me while I was in character. I would have punched him or said something at the time, but I didn’t want to lose my job.”

After that, Tracy Morgan was always made to feel as if he was invisible by some of his fellow SNL cast members.

“I don’t know how they found out I had superpowers of invisibility,” said Tracy Morgan. “But they did.”

Tracy Morgan says that he did not mind his fellow SNL cast members knowing that he had the power of invisibility, only that they used it against him.

“They’d ignore me even when I wasn’t invisible,” said Morgan. “And that hurt me in the heart sometimes. But most of the time, it just pissed me off, making me [BLEEP] mad.”

Tracy Morgan’s book would be incomplete if he did not have a few words to say about his mentor, Lorne Michaels.

“Lorne Michaels is cool,” said Morgan. “For a Canadian. Believe it or not, he smells like bacon and [BLEEP]. I love [BLEEP], so he’s okay.”



Photo Courtesy of: By David Shankbone - Photographer's blog post about photo and event, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=8204274

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo