Father's Day Joke #1: What Do You Call Male Menopause?


"Cheer up, Mr. ED.
Things will turn up soon." 

A: Erectile Dysfunction [ED]!

Caption: "Cheer up, Mr. ED. Things will turn up soon."


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com


God Particle Changes Periodic Table, Updated to Reflect CERN Discovery And Pluto's Still Not a [BLEEPING] Planet!


Periodic Table Now Lists the God Particle
to the Delight of Intelligent Design (ID)
Believers and String Theorist alike.

By Robert W. Armijo

All the periodic tables in the science section have recently been updated to reflect the Organisation européenne pour la recherche nucléaire (CERN) discovery of the God Particle.

The move comes on the recommendation of the International Astronomical Union (IAU). 

The same organization that brought democracy to science when they voted that Pluto was not a planet back in 2006 during their XXVIth general assembly in Prague, Czech Republic. 

"After the discovery of the God Particle at CERN,” said a spokesman for IAU. “We knew it was just a matter of time before we had to put the update of the periodic table to the vote as well.”

Updating the periodic table encountered little resistance, passing almost unanimously among the IAU membership. 

Only one scientist abstained from the vote, claiming that to participate in such a democratic process would be wanton abandonment of the scientific method.  

“Science is not a democracy,’ said Professor Thomas Windset. “You just cannot put the scientific method to the vote.”

Prof. Windset also abstained from the ‘Pluto: Planet or Not?’ vote for the same reasons back in 2006.
This diagram once depicted Pluto’s peaceful orbit in our
solar system. Now it serves as a bitter reminder to its
celestial 
outcast social status to current and future
susceptible and 
unsuspecting generations of judgmental stargazers.

Back then, Prof. Windset stood before the general assembly in Prague in protest.

“Pluto not a planet?! Really?!” said Prof. Windset, as he shook his head in disbelief.  “What’s next ladies and gentleman of science, updating the periodic table if and when we ever discover the so-called 'God Particle'?”

“I was being sarcastic,” explained Prof. Windset, as he recalled Neil deGrasse Tyson sitting in the front row, rubbing his chin and nodding his head in agreement. “I should’ve kept my big mouth shut.”



Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Bored Housewife Scales 33-Story Skyscraper, Using Vacuum Cleaner


"Hey, these windows are way easier
 to clean than mine back home."

By Robert W. Armijo

“I was doing housework,” explained Jane Alva, housewife and mother of two small children. “Vacuuming the living room, putting off washing the windows for last.”

Alva lives in a two-story house and doing the windows is often a very difficult task to complete.

“I have to pull the ladder out from the garage,” said Alva. “Then climb up and down for every window on all four sides of the house.”

That is when Alva got the idea to get dual use out of her vacuum cleaner. 

“I was always reading how everyday items around the house can be used to substitute cleaning chemicals,” said Alva. “So, I thought, ‘Why not convert my vacuum cleaner into super suction cups and use it to climb up and down the sides of the house?” 

All Alva has to do now is strap on the vacuum cleaner to her back, slip on her super suction cups (converted toilet plungers) and ascend the interior and exterior walls of her house to clean.   

Since deploying her invention, Alva has not only attracted the attention of her neighbors, but also the head of the manufacturer of the vacuum cleaner she converted into an unconventional climbing and cleaning equipment.  

The CEO asked Alva if she would be willing to scale a 33-story skyscraper for an advertisement campaign promoting the fidelity of their product.  

“Okay," replied Alva. "But only if I can use my own hair I wove into a rope as a safety tether."

“Agreed!” said the CEO.

Alva has since been contacted by the company that makes her conditioner, asking her if she would be interested in doing a commercial for their product as well.


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Fallen Gorilla Inspires Cincinnati Children's Daycare Center to Change Name: 'The Harambe Daycare Center for Children'


"Welcome to 'The Harambe Daycare Center for Children'.
Don't bother walking your kids in, we'll just go out to
your car and drag them in by their feet. 

By Robert W. Armijo

A Cincinnati children’s daycare center has chosen to honor the memory of Harambe the 17-year-old, 400-pound silverback gorilla that was shot and killed by Cincinnati zoo keepers last week after a 3-year-old boy fell into his enclosure. 

The incident triggered a firestorm on social media, which took exception to the zoo officials’ actions.

“Come Monday morning we will officially be known as ‘The Harambe Daycare Center for Children,” said the center’s director. “But that not all.”

The director then clapped her hands and out came her staff all dressed in gorilla suits, each carrying small dolls. 

“You see,” said the director. "Here at 'The Harambe Daycare Center for Children', we intend not only to honor Harambe with words, but with action, too.”

By dressing up in gorilla suits, the director and her staff hope to teach children at a young age not only to tolerate 400-pound lowland silverback gorillas, but trust them implicitly as well. 

“Perhaps,” said the director with a slight tremor in her voice. “If zoo keepers at the Cincinnati zoo would have had such training at their daycare center when they were children, they would not have shot and killed Harambe.” 

As the director spoke passionately, members of her, staff still in their gorilla suits, began jumping up and down on the furniture and dragging around their small dolls on the ground.

“Here,” said the director, as she bent down to pick up one of the small dolls from the ground, handing it over to woman in a gorilla suit. “You dropped this.”

“Thanks,” said the woman in the gorilla suit.

“You’re welcome,” replied the director as she wiped away a tear.

Harambe Update: 1

Cincinnati Zoo Releases Artist Rendition of Harambe

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

JetBlue: ‘The Frequent Flyer Mile-High Swinger’s Club in the Sky?’


"Attention all passengers, please return to your seats.
It's about to get a bit choppy."  

By Robert W. Armijo

The refusal to allow a scantly clad lass to board a JetBlue flight last week is apparently the tip of the iceberg or the tip of something big anyway.

It appears not allowing the sexy young woman to board the plane until she changed into more conservative clothing was an over correction on behalf of the airline.

“JetBlue has a reputation among the airline industry,” said a JetBlue stewardess that asked not to be identified. “We’re known as ‘The Frequent Flyer Mile-High Swinger’s Club in the Sky.”

A quick Internet search on Crag’s List would seem to verify JetBlue’s sexually unsavory reputation, as hundreds, if not thousands of posts, arrange for swing couples to make plans to rendezvous aboard JetBlue.

Apparently, when the JetBlue personnel turned away the sexily dressed young woman, she mistook her for a hooker, or at least a member of the mile-high club.

Although JetBlue refused to comment further on the incident, other airlines have confirmed JetBlue’s reputation for attracting sexually promiscuous passengers.

“They aren’t the only one with that problem,” said a pilot from a Texas-based airline. “Sex aboard airplane bathrooms has been around since the birth of aviation. You could call it the second oldest profession in the world, if it were a profession. Wait. I take that back. For some, it is a profession.”

“You won’t find it in any training manual,” said the flight attendant. “But we are trained to spot potential swingers aboard every flight."

The stewardess confirms spotting swingers is a lot like racial profiling or looking out for suspected terrorists.

“If I see an attractive woman exaggeratedly swaying her hips back-in-forth, while walking up and down the aisle, swinging her purse in the air and chewing bubble gum, I ask her to take her seat,” said the stewardess.  

Airline crews are also trained to listen for the interlocking sound of the bathroom stalls of the plane. 

“The second we hear that sliding and locking sound,” said the stewardess. “We are trained to take immediate action by taking a passenger headcount of all potential swingers.”

If any two are missing, the stewardess informs the pilot who then turns on the return to your seat sign. 

“And if that doesn’t work,” continued the stewardess. “Some pilots will go so far as to fake turbulence.”

Some pilots have been known to put the plane into a tailspin or nosedive in order to cut the swinging couple’s sexual liaison short.

“Oh, it’s not meant to stop them. God no,” explained the stewardess. “It’s meant to hurry them up, as the fear of sudden death apparently excites them further, which gets them to climax faster.”

“The sooner they are done with their business,” said the pilot. “The sooner we can all get on with ours.”

The stewardess confesses that not all swingers are easy to spot. 

“You’d think a guy wearing a hat, dark glasses and a trench coat would be easy to spot as a swinger,” said the flight attendant. “But that’s not the case. Especially on a rainy day.”

Nor are flight attendants and pilots capable of stopping or even successful at cutting short all sexual encounters.

“In which case,” said the stewardess. “It makes you wish they would allow smoking on the plane again. I mean those bathroom doors are not very thick. Sound escapes so easily.”

“When that happens,” said the pilot. “There’s nothing else you can do. If you can’t beat them, join them. I always say. So I switch on the autopilot and me a few stewardesses have a little orgy of our own in the galley. You just got to remember to take the airplane out of the tailspin or nosedive before engaging the autopilot is all. Otherwise, it could get a little messy real quick like, if you know what I mean. After all, a man has to make sure he pleases the ladies first. Before he pleases himself, if you get my drift.”


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

JetBlue To Scantly Clad Female Passengers: True We’re JetBlue, Just Not That Blue


"Welcome aboard JetBlue, Shwing!"
By Robert W. Armijo

“Just because JetBlue has the word blue in it doesn’t mean we’re blue,” said a spokesman for JetBlue. 

The comment came as a result of JetBlue having denied access to the plane last week for an attractive female client failing to meet with the airlines unofficial passenger dress code.

The young woman was wearing zebra stripped shorty short shorts and long leggings at the time she was turned away at the boarding gate by JetBlue personnel. 

A stewardess told her she would be allowed to resume her flight once she changed her clothes. 

So she hopped into a nearby bathroom and did just that. However, not before she took pictures of what she was wearing and posted them on the internet, which went viral.

Although a self-admitted burlesque dancer by profession, the young lady said she only dresses provocatively publicly when she goes to the airport.

“It saves time going through the TSA security checkpoints,” said the young woman. “They’re so busy looking at my body that they don’t even bother checking my bags. Well, at least not those bags anyway. I mean, I could be carrying a bomb on my carry-on and they’d never notice.”

“What’s she talking about? She is the bomb,” said a fellow male passenger, who witnessed the entire incident. Even exchanging his first-class ticket to coach, so he could sit next to the girl during the flight. 

“There was absolutely nothing wrong with what that girl was wearing,” the man continued. “She was my angel. My little blue angel. JetBlue is crazy for making her change.”

The young woman says she will continue to wear scantly clad clothing every time she goes to the airport, but says she will always be sure to carry more conservative clothing to change into, should the need arise. 

“I’ll tell you JetBlue was not the thing that was blue during that flight,” added the man. “My [BLEEP]s were blue too. In fact, they were so blue, I thought they were going to fall off somewhere over the continual United States. You know, like blue ice off a jet plane out of the clear blue sky.”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com