Fallen Gorilla Inspires Cincinnati Children's Daycare Center to Change Name: 'The Harambe Daycare Center for Children'


"Welcome to 'The Harambe Daycare Center for Children'.
Don't bother walking your kids in, we'll just go out to
your car and drag them in by their feet. 

By Robert W. Armijo

A Cincinnati children’s daycare center has chosen to honor the memory of Harambe the 17-year-old, 400-pound silverback gorilla that was shot and killed by Cincinnati zoo keepers last week after a 3-year-old boy fell into his enclosure. 

The incident triggered a firestorm on social media, which took exception to the zoo officials’ actions.

“Come Monday morning we will officially be known as ‘The Harambe Daycare Center for Children,” said the center’s director. “But that not all.”

The director then clapped her hands and out came her staff all dressed in gorilla suits, each carrying small dolls. 

“You see,” said the director. "Here at 'The Harambe Daycare Center for Children', we intend not only to honor Harambe with words, but with action, too.”

By dressing up in gorilla suits, the director and her staff hope to teach children at a young age not only to tolerate 400-pound lowland silverback gorillas, but trust them implicitly as well. 

“Perhaps,” said the director with a slight tremor in her voice. “If zoo keepers at the Cincinnati zoo would have had such training at their daycare center when they were children, they would not have shot and killed Harambe.” 

As the director spoke passionately, members of her, staff still in their gorilla suits, began jumping up and down on the furniture and dragging around their small dolls on the ground.

“Here,” said the director, as she bent down to pick up one of the small dolls from the ground, handing it over to woman in a gorilla suit. “You dropped this.”

“Thanks,” said the woman in the gorilla suit.

“You’re welcome,” replied the director as she wiped away a tear.

Harambe Update: 1

Cincinnati Zoo Releases Artist Rendition of Harambe

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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JetBlue: ‘The Frequent Flyer Mile-High Swinger’s Club in the Sky?’


"Attention all passengers, please return to your seats.
It's about to get a bit choppy."  

By Robert W. Armijo

The refusal to allow a scantly clad lass to board a JetBlue flight last week is apparently the tip of the iceberg or the tip of something big anyway.

It appears not allowing the sexy young woman to board the plane until she changed into more conservative clothing was an over correction on behalf of the airline.

“JetBlue has a reputation among the airline industry,” said a JetBlue stewardess that asked not to be identified. “We’re known as ‘The Frequent Flyer Mile-High Swinger’s Club in the Sky.”

A quick Internet search on Crag’s List would seem to verify JetBlue’s sexually unsavory reputation, as hundreds, if not thousands of posts, arrange for swing couples to make plans to rendezvous aboard JetBlue.

Apparently, when the JetBlue personnel turned away the sexily dressed young woman, she mistook her for a hooker, or at least a member of the mile-high club.

Although JetBlue refused to comment further on the incident, other airlines have confirmed JetBlue’s reputation for attracting sexually promiscuous passengers.

“They aren’t the only one with that problem,” said a pilot from a Texas-based airline. “Sex aboard airplane bathrooms has been around since the birth of aviation. You could call it the second oldest profession in the world, if it were a profession. Wait. I take that back. For some, it is a profession.”

“You won’t find it in any training manual,” said the flight attendant. “But we are trained to spot potential swingers aboard every flight."

The stewardess confirms spotting swingers is a lot like racial profiling or looking out for suspected terrorists.

“If I see an attractive woman exaggeratedly swaying her hips back-in-forth, while walking up and down the aisle, swinging her purse in the air and chewing bubble gum, I ask her to take her seat,” said the stewardess.  

Airline crews are also trained to listen for the interlocking sound of the bathroom stalls of the plane. 

“The second we hear that sliding and locking sound,” said the stewardess. “We are trained to take immediate action by taking a passenger headcount of all potential swingers.”

If any two are missing, the stewardess informs the pilot who then turns on the return to your seat sign. 

“And if that doesn’t work,” continued the stewardess. “Some pilots will go so far as to fake turbulence.”

Some pilots have been known to put the plane into a tailspin or nosedive in order to cut the swinging couple’s sexual liaison short.

“Oh, it’s not meant to stop them. God no,” explained the stewardess. “It’s meant to hurry them up, as the fear of sudden death apparently excites them further, which gets them to climax faster.”

“The sooner they are done with their business,” said the pilot. “The sooner we can all get on with ours.”

The stewardess confesses that not all swingers are easy to spot. 

“You’d think a guy wearing a hat, dark glasses and a trench coat would be easy to spot as a swinger,” said the flight attendant. “But that’s not the case. Especially on a rainy day.”

Nor are flight attendants and pilots capable of stopping or even successful at cutting short all sexual encounters.

“In which case,” said the stewardess. “It makes you wish they would allow smoking on the plane again. I mean those bathroom doors are not very thick. Sound escapes so easily.”

“When that happens,” said the pilot. “There’s nothing else you can do. If you can’t beat them, join them. I always say. So I switch on the autopilot and me a few stewardesses have a little orgy of our own in the galley. You just got to remember to take the airplane out of the tailspin or nosedive before engaging the autopilot is all. Otherwise, it could get a little messy real quick like, if you know what I mean. After all, a man has to make sure he pleases the ladies first. Before he pleases himself, if you get my drift.”


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
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JetBlue To Scantly Clad Female Passengers: True We’re JetBlue, Just Not That Blue


"Welcome aboard JetBlue, Shwing!"
By Robert W. Armijo

“Just because JetBlue has the word blue in it doesn’t mean we’re blue,” said a spokesman for JetBlue. 

The comment came as a result of JetBlue having denied access to the plane last week for an attractive female client failing to meet with the airlines unofficial passenger dress code.

The young woman was wearing zebra stripped shorty short shorts and long leggings at the time she was turned away at the boarding gate by JetBlue personnel. 

A stewardess told her she would be allowed to resume her flight once she changed her clothes. 

So she hopped into a nearby bathroom and did just that. However, not before she took pictures of what she was wearing and posted them on the internet, which went viral.

Although a self-admitted burlesque dancer by profession, the young lady said she only dresses provocatively publicly when she goes to the airport.

“It saves time going through the TSA security checkpoints,” said the young woman. “They’re so busy looking at my body that they don’t even bother checking my bags. Well, at least not those bags anyway. I mean, I could be carrying a bomb on my carry-on and they’d never notice.”

“What’s she talking about? She is the bomb,” said a fellow male passenger, who witnessed the entire incident. Even exchanging his first-class ticket to coach, so he could sit next to the girl during the flight. 

“There was absolutely nothing wrong with what that girl was wearing,” the man continued. “She was my angel. My little blue angel. JetBlue is crazy for making her change.”

The young woman says she will continue to wear scantly clad clothing every time she goes to the airport, but says she will always be sure to carry more conservative clothing to change into, should the need arise. 

“I’ll tell you JetBlue was not the thing that was blue during that flight,” added the man. “My [BLEEP]s were blue too. In fact, they were so blue, I thought they were going to fall off somewhere over the continual United States. You know, like blue ice off a jet plane out of the clear blue sky.”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
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Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Bernie Sanders’ Appeal to the Nation’s Young, Using Carl Jung’s Archetype Old Man Theory


"Soon, the old man will be
long gone. I mean like, forever."
By Robert W. Armijo

“Look,” said a confident Dr. Phil to an unusually young TV studio audience. 

“I know I’m breaking with social conventions here by lending my celebrity to endorse a political candidate for public office, especially during an election year,” said Dr. Phil. 

“But hear me out first,” continued Dr. Phil. 

“Because, Bernie and Hillary are the winning ticket for the presidency come November 2016!” he said.   

Cheers arose from Dr. Phil’s youthful studio audience. 

“Settle down,” quickly added a somewhat irate Dr. Phil. “I support a Bernie and Hillary ticket rather than a Hillary and Bernie ticket, but not for the reason y’all are thinking. Now hear me out of this one first. Before you pass judgement, okay?”


The studio audience complied and silently focused their attention on Dr. Phil. 

Dr. Phil then went on to explain in complex professional conclave terms Carl Jung’s psychological concept of the archetype old man, which has constantly reappeared throughout mankind’s history regardless of time, distance, culture or religion during his entire occupation of the planet earth. 

“The way I see it,” continued Dr. Phil. “Even if he is elected president, Sanders has only got what? One or two years tops? To live, I mean. Before he dies in office."

“So why not vote for a Bernie and Hillary ticket in the fall? “ said Dr. Phil. “Hillary will be in charge in a year or two. May be even in a matter of months, if we're lucky. At least according to my calculations and most life insurance actuary tables.”

Boos, hisses and fight fights broke out among members of the youthful studio audience.    

“Think about it, folks,” Dr. Phil shouted above the fray, melee and mayhem. “We got nothing to lose. The old man will soon be long gone and out of our lives. I mean like, forever!”


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Megan Fox’s Baby Talks to Her from Her Womb Without a Ouija Board, Now

We All Watch as Megan Fox Follows
Alice's 'White Rabbit' Down Its Hole
Hollywood, California --

By Robert W. Armijo

Megan Fox shocked expectant mothers everywhere when she announced on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week that her unborn child speaks to from her womb.

The following is an unedited transcript of that strange interview. If you have seen it, you may notice how the unedited transcript differs from the aired version, which appears here in bold type.

Begin Transcript:

-------

“Really?” said a surprised and shocked Jimmy Kimmel. “You’re not putting me on? Are you?”

“No,” said a serious Megan Fox. “He talks to me all the time. In fact, he told me to move to L.A. so I did.”

[Unedited Version Begins]

“Really?” said Kimmel. “So do you use a Ouija board or what?

“Yup,” said Megan Fox. “But just at first. Now he talks to me without it.”

“What does he sound like?” asked a suspicious Kimmel.

“He has a very deep, gritty grainy gurgly voice,” said Megan Fox. 

“Are you concerned? Asked Kimmel.

“No,” said Megan Fox. “He told be he has a cold. So he won’t sound like that when he’s born.”

“What else has he told you?” asked Kimmel.  

“Well, there’s one thing he repeatedly tells me over and over again,” said Megan Fox.

“What’s that?” asked a somewhat frightened Kimmel.

“He says that as soon as he gets out of my womb,” said Megan Fox. 

“Yes,” said Kimmel as he pulled out a crucifix from his desk drawer.  

“He says that he’s going to get that snake that keeps spiting in his eye,” continued Megan Fox.

“Oh, I see,” said Kimmel, who started making the cut off signal of his hand to his throat to the TV show’s producer standing off stage. 

“He’s even told me what he wants me to name him when he’s born,” said Megan Fox.

“Really?” replied Kimmel. “What’s that? Damien?”

“No, silly,” replied Megan Fox. 

“Are you at liberty to share it with us?” asked Kimmel, as he made the sign of the cross. 

“Sure,” replied Megan Fox. “He wants me to name him, Eggbert.”

“After Speedy Eggbert the Windows-based PC game?” asked Kimmel.

“No,” replied Megan Fox. 

“Oh, I got it,” said Kimmel. “After Eggbert the Slightly Cracked Egg.”

“No,” said Megan Fox. “Like Eggbert the award winning book series about an unborn child by LAF.” 

“Of course, what was I thinking?” said a visibly relived Kimmel. “That makes perfect sense.”

-----

End Transcript


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Harambe the Gorilla Update 1: Child Confesses to Police He Wanted a Selfie with Gorilla


Mother of 3-year-old boy who fell into gorilla
enclave takes a selfie before handing
the phone over to her son.

Cincinnati, Ohio --

By Robert W. Armijo

The 3-year-old boy confessed that he wanted to take a selfie with Harambe the 17-year-old, 400-pound, silverback gorilla only after police confronted the boy with a monopod and camera recovered from the top of the primate enclosure.

Pictures from the camera digitally document in a series of shots taken the incident. 

“The first few photos show the boy climbing over the barrier wall,” said police. 

The next set shows the boy crawling through the protective brush and thicket. 

The final photo, shows a look of surprise on the boy’s face as he tumbles down 15 feet into the gorilla enclosure moat.

Police say they will present their findings to the district attorney who will determine if the boy’s family will be charged with any crimes. 

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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