By Robert W. Armijo
By nature, men are visceral.
So as visually stimulated creatures, they do not even need to see a woman naked to get sexually aroused (seemingly a contradiction).
So, as a woman, you are in an intimate relationship with a man, denying him from seeing you naked is unrealistic and potentially costly – Eventually emotionally at first and potentially financially second.
Still, you are self-conscious of your body. You are convinced that if he sees you naked, he’ll bolt for the door and never come back.
So you resort to the standard most common practice to hide your body: You reach for the light switch and turn it off.
A simple and eloquent solution for sure.
Only the light may not be the only thing you’re turning off in the bedroom.
Still, you’re in a committed relationship and what’s he gonna do?
(Please note: Now is the time to read between the lines i.e. subtext: Cheat on you and/or leave you)
However, what if you are in a new relationship or care enough to keep the spark alive to maintain the status quo of that “so-called” now seriously called into question committed relationship?
Not letting him see you naked over time will only draw his suspicion or worst yet, curiosity.
Besides, reaching for the light switch will only result in temporally delaying the inevitable. Be it the inevitable reveal or inevitable breakup.
Still, you insist: If he sees you naked, he’ll (again) bolt for the door and never ever come back.
So what can you do?
Well, here are a few suggestions you may want to act upon that will keep you covered, while you’re under the covers without him suspecting a thing; or especially make him curious.
(Warning: Although the following suggestions are incredibly deceitful by nature, they will cover your nakedness and keep him at bay. At least for in the now...)
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10) Tell your lover you want to try something kinky in the bedroom tonight. So that way you can blindfold him without him suspecting your real motive: hiding your naked body from his prying eyes.
(Note: Make sure the blindfold is 100 percent effective by testing it out on yourself first. With all the lights on, be sure to stand into of a full body mirror naked.)
9) Turn off the bedroom lights and turn on the strobe light, laser light show and kerosene fog machine. He’ll be so distracted and delightfully entertained at the same time, he won’t even notice you – naked or not.
(Note: The use of a kerosene fog machine during any sexual encounter only enhances the experience. Not only because the fog generated is nearly foolproof at masking cardinal imperfections but because it lends any bedroom that Bela Lugosi ambiance, heightening the senses;)
8) Wear a Spanx full-body suit over your birthday suit. Or try some fishnet stockings. They’re always a good way to hook a man, even though you’ll be the catch of the day. Just be sure to inject a little dirty talk. Lean into him and whisper softly and slowly into his ear: “It may smell like fish, but I promise it tastes like chicken.” Or “Go ahead. Dive in face first. I’m mercury free, baby.” Or “Welcome to the ‘All-You-Can-Eat’ Discount Sushi Bar’.”
Continuing with the previous above aforementioned food theme sexual exploits:
7) Mixing food with sex is growing in popularity now days. So, try covering the more venerable areas of your body with some delicious food product. Like whipped cream, honey or a large pepperoni pizza. However, first check with your local pizzeria as pizza sizes are not standardized and very widely. After all, you want to make sure they got a pizza large enough to cover up your trouble spots.
(Warning: Be prepared: You may have to order an extra large. Oh, and don’t forget to tip the deliveryman.)
6) Set off a bug bomb in the bedroom and tell him it’s just some new scented candle you’re trying out. The fog from the bug bomb will have a dual negative effect on him: Obscure his vision and impair his judgement. No doubt, the ingestion of the highly toxic chemicals will cause him to hallucinate so he won’t even notice, or more likely remember, the gas mask you’ll be wearing – And that’s just the start. You Go Girl!
(Safety Tip: Be sure no lit candles are in the room as the chemicals in the bug bomb are highly flammable and as the name of the device advertises, explosive.)
5) Enter the bedroom wearing one of those tacky T-shirts the kind with a perfect headless bikini body printed on the front and back. Be sure to ham it up a bit by pausing along the way to le lit (the bed) by making cheesecake poses before slipping under the covers. Be sure to remove the T-shirt only after you’re securely under them. That not ensures that your body is continuously covered but it adds an element of consistency through continuity canceling his curiosity.
(Editors Note: He’ll be so taken aback by your playfulness and sense of humor, he’ll think not seeing you naked is all part of the act. No arousing suspicion. No arousing curiosity. Just pure unadulterated arousal.)
Building on the previous above aforementioned bikini theme sexual exploits:
4) Use body paint like those Sports Illustrated models. Except paint on his favorite Sports Illustrated swim magazine cover on your body. You’ll have him feeling like he’s all alone in the bathroom so much so that he’ll be reaching for the tissue paper in no time.
(Word of Caution: Due to the recent marketing practices of Sports Illustrated publishing multiple covers for the same annual issue by using different swim suit models, be sure you properly research which SI cover is actually his favorite first. Or you’ll be the one reaching for the tissue paper:(…
3) Going on all four plus. Now, the going on all four plus is not just alluding to you assuming the missionary position. The plus actually involves you – dressing up as a dog -- braking like a dog, wagging your tail and fetching a so-called “bone”.
(Cautionary Word: Be sure to use only non-toxic body paint on the “bone”. Some women had to be hospitalized after using liquid paper as a cheaper substitute. In addition, he may be allergic to fur. So use only hypoallergenic fur or synthetic fibers in your doggy costume. Of course, be sure to use knee pads if you expect your encounter will be an extended one or if he’s using Viagra. Remember, if his “boner” lasts longer than four hours, be sure to call a friend. You may need the extra help bring him down.)
2) For this one, he’ll be thinking of another “woman” while he’s making love to you, which would normally make you angry. But if you’re really desperate to hid your naked body from him, you got to be willing to make a few sacrifices. First, purchase a black straight-hair wig and a black light -- the kind that makes florescent paint glow in the dark like in those psychedelic posters from the 1960's. Second, paint up your imperfect naked body like Olivia Wilde’s isomorphic algorithm (ISO) character Quorra from the Tron: Legacy movie. Third, flick on the black light and the rest is history.
(Footnote: Take a step back. You should probably rent the Tron: Legacy movie first. Preferably watching it the night before. He mostly likely has already seen it several times before, so it’s really just research for you. That way, you know exactly what kind of black wig to buy and practice how to paint up your body just like Quorra’s tight fitting somewhat luminescent cycle suit. If it’s any consolation, he’s not emotionally cheating on you with a real woman but a completely fictions ISO – Come to think of it. That might not actually make you feel better but make you feel much more worse. Sorry:(
1) Finally – and this goes back to the beginning, bringing us full-circle -- be honest with him. However, before disrobing, prepare him by prefacing him first. Remind him that like in that John Mayer song about a woman’s body being a “wonderland”. A woman’s body is in fact like a “wonderland”. And that he should brace himself for reality; because sometimes that means, like with all amusement parks, some of the rides have to be shutdown from time to time for maintenance and repair, during your visit. And that the rides once reopened -- revisited upon years later -- may not be as thrilling as one remembers, due to repeated use or over use of those facilities.
(Note: The use of the phrases “repeated use” and “over use” are no accident. Their use subtly faults him for your body’s imperfections in a passive aggressive manner. But don’t you feel guilty, girl. Because it’s probably true. Particularly if you stuck with him this long without a ring around your finger; or especially true if you‘ve born his children. Also, it helps to actually have that John Mayer wonderland song playing in the background during your little heart warming speech. It helps set the mood. Grant you, it’s no kerosene fog machine. But then again, what is?)
1.1) Bonus: Buy a rubber Japanese Sumo wrestler suit and wear it around the house for about a week. By the time you take it off, he’s will have been acclimated to the suit so much so that when he sees your body, he’ll consider himself lucky and finally embrace you and all your imperfections.
(Warming: Some women have experienced weight loss due to wearing the suit, because of the heat generated while wearing it and having to carry the additional weight. However, to the horror of some women, they discovered that their men have lost total interest in them in the bedroom.
“He wouldn’t touch me unless I was in the suit,” reported one woman.
“He made me not only gain back all the weight I lost,” said another woman. “He made me put on more. Now I don’t even need the suit anymore.”
According to these antidotes, it would appear that wearing the Sumo wrestler suit has the unforeseen consequences. It turns some men into what is unfalteringly referred to as a “fatty”-- That is a man that is sexually attracted to so-called "Plus Sized" women.
“I was finally at my ideal weight,” said Mrs. Anderson, who lost weight by wearing the suit only to have to gain it back in a bid to save her marriage. “I was finally conformable with my body being naked. I was a knock out. But he wasn’t sexually aroused any more.”
Mrs. Anderson then gained back all the weight she lost and even put on several more pounds just to be sure.
“Now he’s all over me again,” said Mrs. Anderson. “Like hot butter on a lobster. Which reminds me, I left something boiling on the stove.”:)
Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
