Punxsutawney Phil Moves Out of Biden’s Basement on News of Kamala Harris VP Pick

Day After the DNC Virtual Convention, Punxsutawney Phil
Moves Out of Democratic Presidential Candidate, Joe Biden's
Basement. 

-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

In the early morning hours, to the sound of a slamming door, Punxsutawney Phil was seen walking up the stairs of Biden’s basement carrying a suitcase in each of his paws.

Standing curbside awaiting his Lyft, Punxsutawney Phil was soon surrounded by a cluster of weary eyed reporters camped outside Biden’s home in their news vans and trucks.  

“Are you leaving Joe Biden?” Asked one reporter. 

“Is that way your bags are packed?” Asked another. 

With a frown on his face, folded brow and his chin buried in his chest, Punxsutawney Phil just stood there with suitcases on the ground beside him occasionally taking a glace at his sundial wristwatch. 

Finally a reporter asked, “Does your leaving have anything to do with Biden picking Kamala Harris for his vice president?” 

Suddenly there was a flurry of photo flashes as Punxsutawney Phil slowly lifted up his chin from his chest; his jaws clinching and his eyes widening. 

The air filled with wave after wave of chirps and squeals as Punxsutawney Phil movements became so animated photographers begged him to slow down so they could take a shot. 

“Punxsutawney Phil!” Shouted a reporter. “English, please. We don’t speak Groundhog.” 

“Right,” said Punxsutawney Phil. “I forgot.”

“Tell us, Phil,” asked a reporter. “In your words, why are you leaving?” 

Punxsutawney Phil let out a deep sigh.

“Joe promised me I would be his running mate in the 2020 presidential campaign,” said Punxsutawney Phil. “And like a fool, I believed him. I wasted all this time in that basement. I saw my shadow way back in March, but I lied to him and myself, so the guy wouldn’t feel bad. After all, as a groundhog, I know firsthand what it is like to wait for the Sun to come up all Winter, Spring and, umm, Summer, just so you can see your shadow? Give me a [BLEEP] break already. You know what I regret the most? That I handed him the entire groundhog delegate vote, which was not easy. Trust me. By August we're already preparing to hibernate. Now he picks her over me?"

Just then Punxsutawney Phil’s ride pulled up. 

The driver exited the vehicle, briskly walked around the car and placed one of Punxsutawney Phil’s luggage in the trunk.

As Punxsutawney Phil opened the car door through in his other suitcase, a reporter shouted out one final question, causing the defeated groundhog to pause. 

“What will you do now, Phil?!” 

The groundhog deeply sighed again and then reached into the car, pulling out a red MAGA hat and placed it on his head before turning to face the press.

“What do you [BLEEPING] think?!” yelled out Punxsutawney Phil.

Punxsutawney Phil then got into the car and pulled away to a flood of camera flashes trailing in his wake. 

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright (c) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Biden Gets Lost During a Friendly Game of Peek-A-Boo at the Airport

Unfortunately, Biden's attempt to entertain the child failed
as the presidential candidate suddenly vanished into thin air
right before the child's eyes. 

-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

Joe Biden had been engaged in a game of Peek-A-Boo with a small child while waiting to disembark from his flight in South Carolina today when the 2020 presidential candidate suddenly became confused, disoriented and disappeared from the sight of his staff.  

“Peek-A-Boo,” said Biden to the small child as he held up his two hands to his face. “I see you -- Hey, where [BLEEP] did everybody go?” 

"It was weird," said the father of the small child Biden had been playing the game of Peek-A-Boo. "One second he was there and the next he was gone."  

Biden was later found by airport security sitting on an unclaimed baggage carousel. Going round and round.  

Reportedly, airport security had to tell Mr. Biden to stop putting his hands up to his face, as each time that he would, he would wonder off back to the unclaimed baggage carousel. 

Finally, after several attempts, Biden was eventually reunited with his staff.

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright (C) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Speaker of the House (Nancy Pelosi) “Perp Walks” to the Senate Articles of Impeachment of the 45th Commander and Chief of the United States of America, President Donald John Trump

Nancy Pelosi  buzzes Capitol Hill
with Articles of Impeachment 

-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

With TV cameras rolling and newspaper cameras flashing, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi perp walked the “I’m Just a Bill” cartoon  character from the popular 1970s child education TV show series “Schoolhouse Rock”, which aired every Saturday morning -- Thereby officially transmitting to the Senate the Articles of Impeachment of the 45^th Commander and Chief of the United States of America, President Donald John Trump. 

“What the [BLEEP] is going on?” asked the animated scroll, whose button “Bill” was stricken with a red line and replaced with the scrawled words “Articles of Impeachment” instead.

“Really, I want to know what the [BLEEP] is going on?” continued I Am Just a Bill. “I’m just a bill or at least I use to be. Would somebody please tell me, what the [BLEEP] is going on?”

 Just then I Am Just a Bill broke out into song.

"♫ I’m just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill ♫,” sang the sad scrap of paper.  

“Stop singing that,” said Pelosi to I Am Just a Bill. “You’re not just a bill."

“But I’m just a bill. See?” said I Am Just a Bill, pointing to his doctored button. “Well, anyway, I use to be.”

“You see,” said Pelosi as she dragged the reluctant scroll of parchment behind her into the Senate chamber. "You’re the articles of impeachment now!”

“I guess...WAIT! WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS GOING --” said I Am Just a Bill, as the Senate chamber doors closed shut behind him with a clap of thunder.

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

  

CNN Reporter Accuses White House of Weaponizing His Press Pass -- “Funny, It Never Smelled This Funky Before,” Says Jim Acosta

Has the White House Weaponized Press Passes?

Washington DC --

By Robert W. Armijo

"Jim Acosta is happy that the Trump administration has chosen to comply with the court ordered return of his press pass," said spokesmen for CNN. 

However, the distressed reporter has reportedly filed yet another complaint with the White House, asking that a new press pass be issued, as his old one has allegedly been compromised.

“Funny, it [press pass] never smelled this funky before,” said Jim Acosta, who filed a lawsuit against the Trump administration for allegedly breaching his First Amendment Rights when his press pass was revoked after he challenged the president’s authority by refusing to yield a press core microphone to a White House intern and take a seat.

Jim Acosta claims his press pass smells so bad that other reporters cannot remain in the same room with him for too long of a period.

“I can’t stand it myself,” Jim Acosta acknowledged, while wearing a clothespin on his nose. “However, I have no choice. I have to wear it. Or White House security won’t let me into the press room to ask President Trump my followup question at his next press conference: if he still thinks his anti-caravan rhetoric isn't divisive and racists?”

“Look. We [the press] all support Jim standing up for his First Amendment Right to ask President Trump loaded questions and all that jazz,” said a fellow colleague, who asked to remain anonymous.  “But if he walks into the press room wearing that stinky press pass, we’re filing for a restraining order, keeping him one-hundred yards downwind of us.”

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!

"See? I Told You So."

Sarah Plain maybe the first spokesperson ever to 

Cold Warmonger for both the GOP and the DNC

By Robert W.  Armijo

“By golly wow,” said Sarah Plain, as she appeared via a conference call before a Democratic committee to investigate the alleged Russian interference with the presidential election of 2016 and in the wake of President Trump’s one-on-one Helsinki meeting with Russian President Putin.

“I can still see Russia from my house,” said Sarah Palin, while she peered through a telescope, across the Bering Straits over and out to Russia.  

“Yes. We know, Sarah,” said a Congressman. “But what are the Russians doing right now?”

The former Republican vice president candidate once mocked by SNL’s Tina Fey’s portrayal of her as a conservative caricature has now ironically become the point man for the Democratic party in their effort to single-handedly revive the Cold War.

Among growing criticism that the Democratic National Committee (DNC) is putting partisan politics above the nation’s best interests, a spokesman for the Grand Old Party (GOP) recently stated.

“I just hope we’re not too late,” said a spokesman for the GOP. “Midterm elections are just around the corner."

“What do you see, Sarah?” repeated the Congressman. “What are the Russians doing?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Sarah Palin. “They are definitely packing their bags.”

“You hear that!” proclaimed the Congressman. “Sarah Plain says, ‘The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!”

“Yeah, well, no,” said Sarah Palin. “I didn’t exactly say that. But yeah, sure. Okay. Why not?”

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo

Omarosa Forcefully Removed from the White House Kicking and Screaming

“Only he can fire me!” repeatedly shouted Omarosa.
“He hired me! He has to fire me!”

-- Washington, D.C.

By Robert W. Armijo

As members of the Secret Service and White House security guards, struggled to subdue former The Apprentice star and recent White House staff member, Omarosa Manigault, other staff members ran out of the Oval Office throwing papers in the air as they fled.

“Only he can fire me!” repeatedly shouted Omarosa. “He hired me! He has to fire me!”

Omarosa clung to the side of a couch as two Secret Service agents (a man and a woman) each pulling one of her legs. 

After a call was made by a Secret Service agent who stepped from behind a curtain; speaking softly into his wrist did the president’s voice finally boom over the White House intercom.

“Is thing on?” said the president. “It is? Okay...Listen. Omarosa, baby. My boys with the shades on tell me you’re giving them a hard time. Is that true?”

“Yes, Mr. President,” Omarosa answered as she released the couch and arose to her feet.

“Why?” asked the president. “You’re a bright, attractive and still fairly young -- I mean to other men. Not me. -- woman. Why put yourself through this ordeal?”

“Because, Mr. President,” said Omarosa, staring into empty space but as if she were addressing the president directly. “I need to hear you say it…Say it one last time before I go.”

“Then you’ll leave peacefully, right?” asked the president.

“Yes,” replied Omarosa. “You just give the word, Mr. President.”

“Very well then,” said President Donald J. Trump. “The word is given: You're FIRED! FIRED!! FIRED!!!”

The president’s voice was so loud it caused the walls of the White House to vibrate and shake. 

Pictures and presidential portraits fell to the floor.

Omarosa’s hair flowed in the air as if caught up a gale strength gust of wind.

Secret Service men hugged each other for support as their shades blew off their faces.

As the echo of the president’s voice slowly died down, Omarosa brushed the dust off her skirt and with head held up high, she walked out of the Oval Office, loosely followed from behind by a security detail of a dozen or Secret Service agents and White House security guards. 

Photo(s) Courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Copyright© 2017 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Hillary Clinton Vows More Transparency; Orders Stealth Pantsuit

Peek-A-Boo!!!

By Robert W. Armijo

Hillary Clinton’s latest leaked emails allegedly show her continued lack of transparency and apparent credibility. 

“She is going to have trouble explaining this one away,” said a political pundit. 

Evidently, her leaked GPS and time-stamp equipped emails place her on stage at a political rally before her supporters, promising more transparency. 

“The trouble is that while she was delivering her transparency speech to the audience,” said a political pundit. “She was tweeting her secret service security detail, asking them for updates on the progress they were making on the stealth pantsuit she ordered to make for her.”

Begin transcript:

Hillary: Where’s my high-tech optic refracting garment? 

Secret Service: You mean your stealth pantsuit?

Hillary: Yes.

Secret Service: You weren't joking? You were serious?

Hillary: Yeah. 

Secret Service: Um, we’ll get working on it right of way.

Hillary: Make sure you do. I practically feel naked up here with all these people able to see me. I’m going to stand behind the podium for a while. 

End transcript.

Former President William Clinton immediately came to the defense of the democratic prudential candidate. 

“Look,” said Mr. Clinton. “She simply misunderstood what the American people meant by the word transparency. She obviously took it literally.”

Stealth technology experts confirm that if Hillary Clinton were to don such a high-tech pantsuit, people would not only not be able to see she her, but they would be able to see right through her as well.

“That’s what the American people should take away from this,” said Mr. Clinton. “Hillary ordered that stealth pantsuit so people could see right through her.”

Copyright © 2008-2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Donald Trump’s Official ‘Presidential’ Response to Hillary Clinton’s Nuclear Launch Codes Claim: “I got your nuclear launch codes right here, Hillary! Right here, if you know what I mean? And I think you do. I think you do. Am I right, folks? Or am I right?”

Get Ready to Cut into the Live Feed.

By Robert W. Armijo

Standing before a stadium full of his supporters, Donald Trump addressed Hillary Clinton’s claim that the GOP nominee does not have the temperament to be trusted with the nation’s nuclear launch codes.

A haunting dead silence fell over the stadium audience as Donald Trump brought up the Hillary Clinton’s nuclear launch codes claim. 

“Now, folks,” said Trump. “I am sure all of you have heard by now what Crooked Hillary said about me in the news and my having access to the nuclear launch codes.”

The audience let out a collective, ”Boo!”

“Now, now,” replied Trump. “If I have to be presidential so do you.”

The audience cheered.

“And to prove to you how presidential I can be, here is my official presidential response to Hillary,” said Trump, turning to the teleprompter where a carefully crafted speech by political pundits was prepared for him to read aloud.

However, in that instant, Trump caught his reflection in the teleprompter glass screen. He could not see the wordsmiths' words, which slowly scrolled up for him to read. He could not find it himself to read them. 

"What's he doing?' asked one of his political adviser backstage. 

"What he does best," replied another Trump political adverser. "He's putting his foot in his mouth."

"He's going off script again," said a news director in a mobile TV control booth. "Get ready to cut into the live feed."

Turning away from the teleprompter, Trump did what he had done all his life: he spoke his mind.

“I got your nuclear codes launch right here, Hillary!” Trump said. 

Backstage, Trump's political advisers throw their hands up in the air in frustration.  

The live audience jumped to its feet with cheers, whistles and applause. 

“Right here, if you know what I mean?” continued Trump.  “And I think you do. I think you do. Am I right folks? Or am I right?”

“Speaking of codes,” continued Trump. “You know what to Hill Billy Clinton’s code name for Monica Lewd-Whisky was?” 

A wave of laughter swept over the audience.

“What?” responded a somewhat stunned and surprised Trump. 

Trump then covered the mic with his hand, as he turned to his political advisers backstage for an explanation.

  

“Hill Billy Clinton” and Monica ‘Lewd-Whisky,” they whispered back. 

“Oh, I get it now,” Trump said turning to the audience. “You think that was Monica’s  code name, ‘Lewd-Whisky’. Well it wasn’t. I just made that up. Just now. That’s right. Just made it up. Right here. Right now. Live, baby. You see, what my new so-called political consultants wrote out for me to say and I was suppose to read from the teleprompter was, ‘Deep Throat.” 

The audience echoed back to Trump, ‘Deep Throat’ in the form of a question as if they were a studio audience surprised by the game show host’s answer.

“Yeah, I know. Right,” said Trump. “My joke is much more funny. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what you can expect out of me, if you vote me into the White House come November." 

The audience cheered.

"I will have you laughing at everything I do." continued Trump. "I guarantee it. Yup, we’re really gonna have a good time, folks. A good time.” 

The audience continued cheering.

“In fact,” Trump added, now obviously no longer reading from the teleprompter, shooting straight from the hip. “My administration will make you laugh so hard…”

Trump then cupped his ear to the audience, who played along.

“How hard?!” the audience replied.

“So hard unsubsidized milk will shoot out of your nose,” Trump said in kind, as he began pacing the stage like a stand-up comedian. “Forcing you to go the hospital. There you can expect to pay the bill or file for bankruptcy, because you will no longer have medical coverage under the oppressive yoke of Obamacare!”

Once more, the live audience jumped to its feet with cheers, whistles and applause.

Until they all united in a single voice.

“TRUMP!” they chanted.

“TRUMP!” they chanted.

“TRUMP!” they chanted.

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of: wpclipart.com