Showing posts with label Tiger blood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tiger blood. Show all posts

Charlie Sheen’s Secret Blood Transfusion with a Bengal Tiger in Bangladesh Tests Positive for Feline "AIDS"


Dr. Jarjar tiger's test results are positive for feline AIDS
-- Dhaka, Bangladesh

By Robert W. Armijo

Dr. Jarjar of Dhaka, Bangladesh confirmed today that the tiger that movie star and TV actor Charlie Sheen had a blood transfusion with has tested positive for the feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV) or more commonly referred to as cat AIDS.

The blood transfusion had taken place at the doctor’s clinic in the People’s Republic of Bangladesh back in 2011 where human to tiger and tiger to human blood transfusions were still legal. Though they have since been outlawed, it is believe one can still buy tiger’s blood on the black market.  

In the media, Charlie Sheen often attributed his stamina to resist drug addiction due to his use of tiger blood. 

However, it is believed the tiger blood transfusion simply allowed Charlie Sheen to skip Rehab so he could continue to work without interruption. 

“Of course, the tiger was sent to Rehab instead,” said Dr. Jarjar. 

There the tiger spent a little over six months recovering from the Charlie Sheen blood transfusion. 

“I didn’t anticipate such a long recovery period,” said Dr. Jarjar. “Mr. Sheen’s blood had more chemical toxins than anyone realized.”

Last month, Dr. Jarjar began to notice the tiger had begun to lose weight.

Bengal_Tiger.jpeg
Dr. Jarjar's tiger just before weight loss,
stripes fell off and were replaced by spots. 
Dr. Jarjar's cause for concern only heightened when one day the tiger’s stripes fell off and spots appeared where the stripes once were.

Dr. Jarjar could not account for the weight loss, stripes falling off and the sudden appearance of spots were the stripes once were until he recalled reading an article in Variety

“It could have been The Hollywood Reporter,” said Dr. Jarjar. “I’m not sure.”

In that article, Dr. Jarjar recalled reading that Charlie Sheen had admitted to having contracted HIV.

“So I became spacious,” said Dr. Jarjar, who then conducted a blood test for feline AIDS on his tiger.

“The test came back positive,” said a visibly distressed Dr. Jarjar.

Dr. Jarjar has since conducted several more tests to rule out the possibility of a false positive. 

“Sadly, they all yielded the same result as the first,” said Dr. Jarjar with a slight tremor in his voice.  

Dr. Jarjar says he currently has no plans to take legal action against Charlie Sheen.  

However, he says he is not ruling anything out in the future.

Legal experts say it will not be an easy case to make as Dr. Jarjar will have first prove that it was Charlie Sheen who gave his tiger FIV and not anyone else. 

For now, Dr. Jarjar just wants to use his tiger’s illness as an occasion to educate people and bring awareness to the plight of felines infected with FIV.

“It’s all I can do for now,” said Dr. Jarjar, as he struggled to hold back tears. 

“Oh, and don’t forget to spay or neuter your cats," continued Dr. Jarjar. "It helps reduce the spread of FIV."

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot," added Dr. Jarjar at the last moment. "And I especially wouldn't give Charlie Sheen a blood transfusion from your cat, or even it’s milk, because I hear he’s into that now. If you do, you may live to regret it. Like me."


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Charlie Sheen’s ‘WINNING!’ Tweets Keeps Japanese Quake/Tsunami Victim Alive


Tokyo, Japan -

"I’m still trapped under the rubble of a 3rd story building, which was once my place of employment," calmly tweets Aki Hayashi, 39, a businessman from an unknown location somewhere in the disaster zone of lwate Prefecture in Northern Japan. That just suffered an 8.9-magantude earthquake and subsequent tsunami on Friday.

While waiting to be rescued, however, Aki passes the time following Charlie Sheen’s Twitter account updated hourly.

"If it wasn’t for Charlie’s inspirational texts," continued tweeting Aki from his entombment. "I’m certain I would have given up on being the first to be rescued long ago."

Aki and his fellow trapped co-workers have even started an office pool, wagering as to who will likely be rescued first among the group based on the celebrity they have chosen to follow on Twitter from their personal hellhole.

"I hate to say it, but the others have no chance," Aki tweeted as the rubble settles, shifting side-to-side and the water level begins to rise. "I will be the first one to be rescued because they have foolishly chosen to follow John Stamos and Rindsay Rohan."

Aki attributes his increased chances of being the first to be extracted from the debris, unlike that of his co-workers, to his keeping heart and choosing someone who is an actual celebrity, or at least is not about to be incarcerated.

"Charlie gives me hope," Aki texts, while holding his cell phone above his head, the water level now up to his chin. "Because he continues to cheat death and elude the authorities at every turn. And he will continue to do so for an indefinite period of time, or at least until I am rescued. That I am certain."

Aki claims that Charlie Sheen is his "Tiger Blood".

"I've never met him," Aki continued texting, spiting out mud and silt from his mouth. "But Charlie Sheen runs through my veins. And if I survive…What am I saying? I mean when I'm the first to be rescued, I will tweet that to him."

Suddenly, Aki gets an incoming text as the water level miraculously drops and a patch of blue sky is unearthed by a rescue worker overhead.

"See what I mean?" Aki says aloud to his co-workers in their adjacent sarcophagus-like chambers. The mud-stained smile on his face lit up by the light and message he reads off his cell phone screen, as a plastic bottle of water is lowered down to him on the end of a rope. "It’s from Charlie Sheen. He says: ‘WINNING!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/geography/Country_Maps/J/Japan.png

Charlie Sheen Cancels "Sheen’s Korner"; Cites Personnel Problems

Hollywood, California -

"I had to cancel the show," said Charlie Sheen, the executive producer of the short-lived 'Sheen’s Korner', which aired on the Internet. "The guy playing me was just too unstable and real difficult to work with. In fact, I heard he takes drugs."

Charlie Sheen explains that as the executive producer of the edgy webcast he could not keep up with production costs, specifically the rise in insurance premiums due to the increased risk of having an alcoholic, drug addicted, sex addict host the show.

"It was a pure business decision," said Charlie Sheen. "I mean personally I like the guy. He’s a real pip. Who wouldn’t like him?"

Charlie Sheen describes the actor portraying him as an inner-child trapped in a man’s body. Akin to an epic Greek tragedy, like in the story of Icarus who fails to heed his father’s advice not to fly too close to the sun, melting his wings made of wax and falling into the sea.

"Yeah, and don't forget [BLEEP] Peter Pan too," said Charlie Sheen. "All rolled into one big doobie [excessively massive cannabis cigarette intended for consumption for non-medical related recreational use]. But you dare not smoke him because he’ll kill you. Not even Chuck Norris can smoke Charlie Sheen. Only Charlie Sheen can smoke Charlie Sheen...and survive. And you know why you trolls? That’s right. Because Charlie Sheen has tiger blood running through his veins."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen Confesses: How I Got Tiger Blood in My Veins

....Meow?...Meow?

Hollywood, California -

"I remember it clearly, as if it just happened yesterday," said Charlie Sheen, as he recalled the incident in which a tiger in a jungle in Southeast Asia attacked him. His mind like a gin trap, ironically exhibiting the ever omnipresence of the tiger’s blood flowing through his veins. "I was on the set of a movie that my father was doing at the time. I think it was Apocalypse Now…or was it Armageddon? Maybe it was Platoon. No, no it was Hot Shots. Anyway, nature called so I took a walk in the jungle. But when I got there, it turned out that I just had to take a leak."

That is when all of a sudden a tiger jumped out of the bushes attacking Charlie Sheen.

"And I’m talking one big [BLEEP]," said Charlie Sheen.

As the tiger pounced on top of Charlie Sheen, he was knocked to the ground temporarily immobilized by the giant cat.

"I didn’t mind it all that much," said Charlie Sheen. "I mean I’ve had a [BLEEP] or two in my face before, if you know what I mean. Although I have to admit this one was the first to have teeth -- Not to mention those stripes. Wow! I guess the rumor is true about me. I will sleep with anything once…or is it twice? Gee, maybe I should get tested or something."

Almost at once, the tiger bit into Charlie Sheen's back.

"I think I said something like, ‘Ouch, you crazy bitch," said Charlie Sheen. "So you want to get kinky? I’ll give you kinky.’ Then I bit her back."

Literally, Charlie Sheen bit the tiger on its back.

"Right below the third vertebrae," said Charlie Sheen. "That usually gets their attention. A chiropractor and his fat little kid that use to live with me in Malibu taught me that trick."

Unaccustomed to having the tables turned, the cat abandoned the attack and retreated into the safety of the jungle.

"I gave chase, asking her for her number," said Charlie Sheen. "But I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Nothing more than one of my many, many one nightstands."

It was years after that Charlie Sheen realized that he was attacked by a tiger and not just another one of his crazed fans, ingesting its blood in the exchange.

"Ever since then, I’ve been immune to the negative effects of drugs," said Charlie Sheen. "What can I say. It was meant to be so I could bring sunshine into your otherwise dreary pitiful lives."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/animals/cats/cat_4/cat_sad_tiger.png

Charlie Sheen's Secret Blood Transfusion with a Bengal Tiger in Bangladesh

Dr. Jajar's Tiger is still Recovering in Rehab
from the Charlie Sheen Blood Transfusion
Hollywood, California -

According to a doctor in Bangladesh, Charlie Sheen really has tiger blood running in his veins. "Actually he has Bengal Tiger blood in his veins. Trust me, I should know. I put it there," announced Dr. Ahmad Jajar, the medical director at a clinic specializing in elective surgery for Westerners, while wearing a neck brace at a press conference in the city of Dhaka.

According to Charlie Sheen, he flew to Bangladesh responding to, "An Interweb sex ad taunting the health benefits of Tiger Woods' blood"?

"I can personally attest to the benefits of tiger milk," said Dr. Jajar as he lifted up a glass bottle of tiger milk, inadvertently exposing an array of deep scars on his arm. "I milk mine daily."

Dr. Jajar says that Charlie Sheen came into his clinic last December demanding injections of tiger blood, which Mr. Sheen publicly claims is responsible for his invincibility against drug addiction and drug overdose.

Mr. Sheen stormed into Dr. Jajar's clinic, yelling at the top of his lungs, "Give me an injection of panthera tigris bengalensis hemoglobin STAT! Give me an injection of panthera tigris bengalensis hemoglobin STAT! For the love of Christ, give it to me now!"

"My staff and I attempted to explain to Mr. Sheen that there is no scientific evidence to establish such an outrageous claim. But it was useless," said Dr. Jajar, pausing to take a sip of tiger milk.

Charlie Sheen responded violently by grabbing the hypodermic syringe and injecting himself with the tiger blood.

"Then he garbed me by my neck and tossed me across the examination room," said Dr. Jajar.

Charlie Sheen then proceeded to break into the clinic’s pharmaceutical pantry and ingest several doses of narcotics and barbiturates.

"There was enough drugs in that dispensary to kill two hundred and a half men," said Dr. Jajar. "But the drugs had no effect on him."

Dr. Jajar attributes Charlie Sheen’s apparent immunity to drugs to the placebo effect.

"So long as he keeps up his tiger blood transfusions, Mr. Sheen should be fine," said Dr. Jajar.

Dr. Jajar notes, however, that Charlie Sheen is months overdo for his appointment.

"As soon as he realizes that he’s out of tiger blood, I’m afraid Mr. Sheen is in for a whole lot of hurt," said Dr. Jajar.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/animals/wild_cats/tiger/Bengal_Tiger.png