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| "Gobble, gobble, gobble." |
Translation:
"Every movement has its traders. In this case, it’s me: Uncle Tom Turkey."
Photo(s) Courtesy of Wpclipart.com
Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armjio. All rights reserved.
Showing posts with label Thanksgiving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thanksgiving. Show all posts
A Father Attempts to Ease a Son's Guilty Conscience at Thanksgiving Dinner
"That's not true, Johnny..."
"Massacre of the Native Americans happened much, much later."
Photo Curtasey of By Norman Rockwell - U.S. National Archives and Records Administration, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=16925987
Copyright 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Obama Makes Amnesty Joke, Turning National Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon Day into Amateur Open Mic Night at the White House
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| President Obama Auditions for His Next Career Choice? |
Further fostering rumors that he is seriously considering a post-presidential career in comedy, President Obama did what many stand-up comedians are claiming was a set today.
It all allegedly occurred during the traditional seasonal ceremony of the National Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon Day at the White House.
Standing before the press pool next to two Tom turkeys named Mac and Cheese – Cheese having recently won a race on Twitter by a neck for the presidential pardon – President Obama made a joke.
“It referred to last week’s controversial signing of his executive order, which Republicans claim is little more than amnesty for the undocumented,” said a reporter.
Once the president got a laugh from his amnesty joke by the press pool, there was no stopping him.
Pulling out a piece of folded paper from inside his coat jacket, the president licked his thumb and unfolded the paper.
“So you liked that one,” said the president. “Well, hold on to your press passes.”
President Obama went on to tell several more jokes, which also made the press pool laugh.
“Then he pulled the mic off the podium,” reported a reporter.
Obama began walking back-and-fourth in front of the press pool, while still making the members of the media laugh with his humorous contemporary presidential observations.
At one point in his set, the president even went into the audience, stepping off the slightly elevated stage.
“That drove the Secret Service crazy,” said another reporter.
“Take it easy there boys,” said President Obama. “I wish you guys would’ve been on it like this back in Columbia. Or at least Ferguson. I'm just kidding. Just kidding. You guys do a great job. Really, you do. Just ask anyone of the surviving Kennedy Klan -- What, What?!”
“That’s when the crowd began to turn,” said a member of the press.
“What’s the matter?” asked the president to a deadly silent audience. “Did everybody forget what happened in Columbia or downtown Dallas with these guys?”
“Nobody laughed,” noted a journalist.
The president looked out over the audience, hearing only the occasional nervous cough.
“Hey, I bet that’s what happened to you boys,” said the president, turning to his Secret Service security detail. “You guys must have thought you were in Dallas...Sorry, I meant, Vegas.”
Members of the media began to leave.
“Because as you know,” said the president, as he began to explain the joke to the audience. “What happens in Dallas. Stays in Dallas?”
Again, silence, broken only by the occasional nervous cough.
The president then retreated to the stage, placing the mic back into its stationary position, folding up his piece of paper, putting back in his breast pocket.
“Getting back to the task at hand,” said the president, as he gestured to Mac and Cheese. “I assure you that with this presidential pardon…and this executive order! -- What, What?!”
Everybody in the pressroom laughed out loud.
The president looked out over the audience with a smile as he reached for his coat pocket.
“President Obama then fired off a series of jokes in a rapid succession,” said a reporter.
Each one generating some form of laughter or another. At least until the last one.
Each one generating some form of laughter or another. At least until the last one.
“Why did the undocumented fowl cross the Potomac?” rhetorically asked the president. “To get amnesty! -- What, What?!”
Sporadic laughter came from the audience.
“Don’t expect to find any of these so-called turkeys in your oven,” said the president. “Thanks to my presidential pardon and amnesty granting executive order these birds will have flown the coop -- What, What?!”
Nervous laughter now emanated from the audience.
“In fact,” said the president. “Because of the mishandling of the economy by the previous administration and that of my very own, millions of Americans won’t be eating Mac or Cheese this Thanksgiving. However, they’ll be eating Mac and Cheese for Thanksgiving -- What, What?!”
Absolute stillness from the audience, not even broken by an occasional random dry cough.
Oblivious to the sound of silence, hearing only the laughter that continued ringing in his head, the president walked out of the pressroom with his arms in the air, thumbs up.
The White House press agent then took to the podium.
“Alright, let’s give it up for the comedy stylings of the leader of the free world,” said the White House press agent, turning on the applause sign.
Looking over at each other, not knowing how to react, members of the media reluctantly stood up and slowly started to clap their hands, just as directed by the White House press agent.
Photo courtesy of:
wpclipart.com
The Real Story of Thanksgiving
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| Happy Native American Ethnic Cleansing Day! I mean, Happy Thanksgiving Day! |
So accustomed were the pilgrims to having a thanksgiving feast to celebrate the return of a successful raiding party, fresh from a massacre (ethnic cleansing) of Indians (Native Americans), that it quickly became an American tradition, which continues to be observed to this day, according to Professor Peter Wodsworth of American History at the Cassandra Institute of Foresight.
Very soon, a pilgrim came up with an idea to combine the two events.
“They must have thought to themselves, ‘Why should we have to go out and hunt down the Indians?’,” said Prof. Wodsworth. “‘When we can have them come to us?’”
The pilgrims sent word out to the remaining surviving Indians, inviting them to a 'Thanksgiving' dinner. But no one took them up on the offer.
After years of broken promises, the pilgrims knew they had to do something different to regain the trust of the red man.
“So they commissioned an artist to make an oil painting of a mock Thanksgiving dinner,” said Prof. Wodsworth.
In that oil painting, pilgrims appeared to be peacefully sharing a meal, eating turkey with Indians.
“Only they were really breaking bread with other pilgrims merely disguised as Indians and dressed up as turkeys,” said Prof. Wodsworth.
The pilgrims then circulated the fake first Thanksgiving painting throughout the frontier.
“Some copies still survive to this day,” said Prof. Wodsworth. “You may have encountered them yourself as a child in elementary school.”
Leery of the White man but even more wearier of war, the Indians reluctantly accepted the dinner invitation.
“Anticipating that the Indians expected to be immediately attacked the minute they entered the township,” said Prof. Wodsworth. “The pilgrims instead lured them into a false sense of security by feeding them, even stuffing them at first before killed them.”
Once the Indians ate the turkey and began to nod off from the chemical effects of the tryptophan, the pilgrims would sneak up on them, killing them in their sleep.
“Many more were murdered in a deadly game of Bobbing for Apples," said Prof. Wodsworth. "Or for an unpaid wager to friends in a so-called friendly game of Thanksgiving Day football pool.”
Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com
Really, Really Bad Thanksgiving Day Joke #1
Q: How does a turkey search the web?
A: Google, google.
Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo Courtesy of:
Willie Nelson’s Lawyer Argues: Willie’s Pot Really His Special Blend of Kentucky Bluegrass
Dallas, Texas --
After analyzing the so-called cannabis contraband found on Willie Nelson's person, Austin border police have been forced to reconsider lessening the marijuana possession charge against the world renown country signer, or even dropping it altogether.
Border police busted Nelson the day after Thanksgiving when they found what they thought was marijuana, stuffed into a live turkey he was carrying under his arm.
“He tried convincing the police that he recently converted to vegetarianism,” said Martha Maryweather who was standing behind Willie Nelson when he was arrested. “And that he had just rescued that turkey he was carrying under his arm from a thanksgiving dinner he was invited to by his friends. But the police didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe him either. They thought he was high on pot. We all thought he was high on pot. You know, having one of those ‘Reefer Madness’ moments.”
Unfortunately the turkey did not survive the police interrogation and expired sometime during a full body cavity search.
“No doubt succumbing to ingesting 2 out of the 6 ounces of cannabis Mr. Nelson stuffed into its body,” said police.
However, Mr. Nelson will not be facing any animal cruelty charges. As the animal he selected to plant the alleged illegal substance was a turkey and it was on or near Thanksgiving Day.
“Also,” added police. “As cannabis or pot, as it is known by its street name, is classified as an herb. It’s therefore technically considered a dressing. In fact, my wife uses it all the time…the herb dressing, I mean. Not the pot.”
“Initially the field test conducted on the remaining alleged illegal substance retrieved from the turkey Mr. Nelson was transporting under his arm came back positive,” said authorities. “However, subsequent test results have been mixed at best.”
Authorities are still not saying much as to what the “alleged illegal substance” Nelson was carrying, if not pot. However, his lawyer did at a “Free Willie” rally, taking center stage wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt.
“My client [Willie Nelson] is innocent!” said Jerry Stromburger, Nelson’s attorney and Dead Head as he nearly stumbled off the stage. “That’s all I wanted to say, man. He’s innocent! Wait a minute…Who’s innocent again?”
Mr. Stromburger then wandered off backstage into a cloud of cannabis before reemerging from it a few minutes later, escorted back to the microphone with the assistance of two scantily clad young blonde women, wearing little more clothing than their Willie Nelson style rainbow colored headbands.
A surprisingly suddenly sober Stromburger then read from a prepared statement filled with legalese.
“At no time was my client, William Nelson, in the possession of the aforementioned alleged illegal substance,” said Mr. Stromburger, looking down his nose through a pair of reading glasses at the paper he held steadily in his hand. “Rather my client was in possession of a special blend of Kentucky Bluegrass, which my client currently holds patent pending rights to. If you have any questions, please address them to my office during business hours. I thank you.”
With that, Mr. Stromburger exited the stage. Again, escorted by the same two scanty clad blondes as before, back into the cannabis fogbank.
Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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| Some Willie Nelson Supporters outside a "Free Willie" rally |
Dallas, Texas --
After analyzing the so-called cannabis contraband found on Willie Nelson's person, Austin border police have been forced to reconsider lessening the marijuana possession charge against the world renown country signer, or even dropping it altogether.
Border police busted Nelson the day after Thanksgiving when they found what they thought was marijuana, stuffed into a live turkey he was carrying under his arm.
“He tried convincing the police that he recently converted to vegetarianism,” said Martha Maryweather who was standing behind Willie Nelson when he was arrested. “And that he had just rescued that turkey he was carrying under his arm from a thanksgiving dinner he was invited to by his friends. But the police didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe him either. They thought he was high on pot. We all thought he was high on pot. You know, having one of those ‘Reefer Madness’ moments.”
Unfortunately the turkey did not survive the police interrogation and expired sometime during a full body cavity search.
“No doubt succumbing to ingesting 2 out of the 6 ounces of cannabis Mr. Nelson stuffed into its body,” said police.
However, Mr. Nelson will not be facing any animal cruelty charges. As the animal he selected to plant the alleged illegal substance was a turkey and it was on or near Thanksgiving Day.
“Also,” added police. “As cannabis or pot, as it is known by its street name, is classified as an herb. It’s therefore technically considered a dressing. In fact, my wife uses it all the time…the herb dressing, I mean. Not the pot.”
“Initially the field test conducted on the remaining alleged illegal substance retrieved from the turkey Mr. Nelson was transporting under his arm came back positive,” said authorities. “However, subsequent test results have been mixed at best.”
Authorities are still not saying much as to what the “alleged illegal substance” Nelson was carrying, if not pot. However, his lawyer did at a “Free Willie” rally, taking center stage wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt.
“My client [Willie Nelson] is innocent!” said Jerry Stromburger, Nelson’s attorney and Dead Head as he nearly stumbled off the stage. “That’s all I wanted to say, man. He’s innocent! Wait a minute…Who’s innocent again?”
Mr. Stromburger then wandered off backstage into a cloud of cannabis before reemerging from it a few minutes later, escorted back to the microphone with the assistance of two scantily clad young blonde women, wearing little more clothing than their Willie Nelson style rainbow colored headbands.
A surprisingly suddenly sober Stromburger then read from a prepared statement filled with legalese.
“At no time was my client, William Nelson, in the possession of the aforementioned alleged illegal substance,” said Mr. Stromburger, looking down his nose through a pair of reading glasses at the paper he held steadily in his hand. “Rather my client was in possession of a special blend of Kentucky Bluegrass, which my client currently holds patent pending rights to. If you have any questions, please address them to my office during business hours. I thank you.”
With that, Mr. Stromburger exited the stage. Again, escorted by the same two scanty clad blondes as before, back into the cannabis fogbank.
Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
TSA’s Giant Blue Latex Glove Balloon Gropes Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!
New York, New York --
What can only be described as sheer terror broke out among the thousand of spectators lining the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade route today as they witnessed this year’s Transportation Security Administration (TSA) entry – A Giant Blue Latex Glove -- turn the corner onto 34th Street, floating above their heads, slowly headed their way.
People scattered about the parade route, dodging into buildings and climbing lamp posts attempting to hitch a ride onto the backs of one of the other giant balloons, hoping to escape the giant TSA blue latex glove, though it was to no avail. Eventually it caught up to them…in the end, frisking and groping them for contraband and weapons of mass distraction of any kind.
TSA’s two-story tall inflatable gloved entry was one of 15 giant balloons and 43 novelty balloons participating in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, said parade planning officials.
According to witnesses, the giant blue latex glove first went out of control when the wind changed direction causing the giant “Hello Kitty” balloon to brush up against it.
“I just don’t get it,” said one TSA balloon handler. “The same thing happened earlier in the day with the giant ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ balloon and nothing happened then.”
Sparks were reportedly seen by parade goers when the TSA balloon came into contact with “Hello Kitty” balloon, causing concern for a real chance of electrical shock.
“The amount of static electricity generated from the friction of those giant balloons could have taken out half the crowd,” later said a concerned parade official.
Fortunately, the clap…of thunder that the static electricity produced pushed the balloons apart, resulting in a micro storm front. That took the form of a little black cloud that hovered over the giant TSA blue latex glove for the rest of the parade.
Terrified witnesses watched helplessly as the TSA’s floating terror and accompanying black cloud headed for two giant hovering pumpkin balloons further down the parade route.
“It must have mistaken them for a giant pair of orange testicles,” said a parade goer, as she unwittingly witnessed the world fist and biggest airborne medical examination. “I swear I heard the giant TSA glove say to the pumpkins, ‘Please turn your head to the left and cough.”
After the incident, hundreds attempted to file a police report, alleging they all felt violated by the experience. However, they were turned away. Told it was a civil matter and handed a bottle of K-Y Jelly instead.
“There’s not enough water-base, water-soluble personal lubricant in the world,” said a traumatized parade spectator, laying alongside the parade route in the fetal position.
To everybody’s relief, the giant rogue TSA glove was finally halted when handlers of the “Tom Turkey” novelty balloon got an idea.
Apparently, when the TSA glove got wind the ‘Tom Turkey’ novelty balloon it just could not resist and headed straight for it, dragging along its handlers behind it.
With all five fingers squeezed together, forming a cone like missile tip, it rammed its way all the way up the posterior of ‘Tom Turkey’, trapping itself there.
Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All Rights Reserved.
Photo(s) courtesy of http://publicdomainclip-art.blogspot.com/
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| The TSA says: "Hello Kitty"?! |
New York, New York --
What can only be described as sheer terror broke out among the thousand of spectators lining the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade route today as they witnessed this year’s Transportation Security Administration (TSA) entry – A Giant Blue Latex Glove -- turn the corner onto 34th Street, floating above their heads, slowly headed their way.
“I thought we left that thing back at LaGuardia,” said Mark Gomez as he fled the parade attempting to save his 9-year-old daughter, Virginia, from a traumatic groping or full mechanical radioactive body scan. “I mean -- Oh the humanity!”
People scattered about the parade route, dodging into buildings and climbing lamp posts attempting to hitch a ride onto the backs of one of the other giant balloons, hoping to escape the giant TSA blue latex glove, though it was to no avail. Eventually it caught up to them…in the end, frisking and groping them for contraband and weapons of mass distraction of any kind.
TSA’s two-story tall inflatable gloved entry was one of 15 giant balloons and 43 novelty balloons participating in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, said parade planning officials.
According to witnesses, the giant blue latex glove first went out of control when the wind changed direction causing the giant “Hello Kitty” balloon to brush up against it.
“I just don’t get it,” said one TSA balloon handler. “The same thing happened earlier in the day with the giant ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ balloon and nothing happened then.”
Sparks were reportedly seen by parade goers when the TSA balloon came into contact with “Hello Kitty” balloon, causing concern for a real chance of electrical shock.
“The amount of static electricity generated from the friction of those giant balloons could have taken out half the crowd,” later said a concerned parade official.
Fortunately, the clap…of thunder that the static electricity produced pushed the balloons apart, resulting in a micro storm front. That took the form of a little black cloud that hovered over the giant TSA blue latex glove for the rest of the parade.
Terrified witnesses watched helplessly as the TSA’s floating terror and accompanying black cloud headed for two giant hovering pumpkin balloons further down the parade route.
“It must have mistaken them for a giant pair of orange testicles,” said a parade goer, as she unwittingly witnessed the world fist and biggest airborne medical examination. “I swear I heard the giant TSA glove say to the pumpkins, ‘Please turn your head to the left and cough.”
After the incident, hundreds attempted to file a police report, alleging they all felt violated by the experience. However, they were turned away. Told it was a civil matter and handed a bottle of K-Y Jelly instead.
“There’s not enough water-base, water-soluble personal lubricant in the world,” said a traumatized parade spectator, laying alongside the parade route in the fetal position.
To everybody’s relief, the giant rogue TSA glove was finally halted when handlers of the “Tom Turkey” novelty balloon got an idea.
“We maneuvered ‘Tom Turkey’ right in front of the TSA glove,” said a Tom Turkey balloon handler. “And then we made it wiggle its tail feathers, making gobble, gobble turkey sounds too.”
Apparently, when the TSA glove got wind the ‘Tom Turkey’ novelty balloon it just could not resist and headed straight for it, dragging along its handlers behind it.
With all five fingers squeezed together, forming a cone like missile tip, it rammed its way all the way up the posterior of ‘Tom Turkey’, trapping itself there.
“It reminded me of the bird we have cooking in the oven back home,” said Gomez. “I, umm, think we’ll stop off somewhere and pickup a ham for dinner instead.”
“It reminded me more of a scene from ‘The Incredibles’ movie,” said Virginia. “You know, when ‘Mr. Incredible’ released that rocket claw into the heart of the giant metal ball robot. Yeah, it was more like that.”
“It reminded me more of a scene from ‘The Incredibles’ movie,” said Virginia. “You know, when ‘Mr. Incredible’ released that rocket claw into the heart of the giant metal ball robot. Yeah, it was more like that.”
Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All Rights Reserved.
Photo(s) courtesy of http://publicdomainclip-art.blogspot.com/
‘Ghostbusters’ Attack Giant ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
New York, New York --
The ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ balloon debut ended in tragedy today at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as four men identifying themselves as the ‘Ghostbusters’ terrorist gang made an unscheduled appearance, attacking the giant gaseous nonporous bag with nuclear fusion reactors strapped to their backs, causing the balloon to explode in milliseconds.
Fortunately, the unprovoked assault took place once the parade was over sparing thousands of parade spectators and millions of TV viewers at home the violence. However, eyewitnesses of the incident did state the encounter was brief.
“The second those Ghostbusters let loose with their nuclear fusion reactors, it was over,” said one of the ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ balloon handlers that was holding on to a tether at the time of the assault, suffering extensive ear damage. “What? Did you say something to me?”
Arrested at the scene of the crime were: Dr. Peter Venkman, Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler and some Black dude [Winston Zeddmore].
At least two of the ‘Ghostbuster’ terrorist gang of four are suspected to be members of a sleeper terrorist cell leftover from the 1970s, belonging to a scripted comedy late night TV show known simply by the initials ‘SNL’, which authorities have yet to identify.
“They didn’t simply commit an act of vandalism,” said the office of the New York District Attorney. “By consciously using an unlicensed and unregistered nuclear powered device within the State of New York, the so-called ‘Ghostbusters’ terrorist gang endangered the lives of us all.”
“Can I have a little powwow with the mayor about this?” reportedly requested Dr. Peter Venkman, the suspected leader of the terrorist cell, as he was being lead away by police and his equipment impounded. “I want to hand him the bill for this job in person. What, you’re arresting me? Now what kind of way is that to show your gratitude? I just saved New York City, again. A simple thank you would have sufficed. Now, come on guys. I’m not fooling around. Take these the handcuffs off me and lets talk this out, okay? Oh, listen man. I’d be very careful handling that if I were you. It might ex –"
Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo
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