LHC at CERN Converted into Gallagher’s ‘Sledge-O-Matic’® Watermelon-Smashing Machine

Paris, France –

American prop comedian Gallagher, best known for his trademarked watermelon-smashing act, has been invited to the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire (CERN) to smash melons at an accelerated rate of velocity, many reaching nearly that of the speed of light.

“Now that we’ve found the so-called 'God Particle', we’re pretty much wrapping things up here,” said a CERN physicist. “After all, we never really expected to find it -- I mean find it so soon.”

CERN physicists say they know of no one else on the planet that enjoys smashing things more than they do other than Gallagher and thus the reason why they invited him to their facility.

Ever since CERN physicists found the God particle, however, they have been sitting around, burning through their grant money, running lower priority experiments. Such as using the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to dry their laundry, cracking walnuts and bust open a few piñatas for the kids in the neighborhood.

So physicists thought to themselves, “Why not invite Gallagher to throw a few melons around, except really, really fast?”

Inside the LHC, the watermelons will be accelerated to incredible speeds.

“Gallagher will be inside the LHC too,” said a physicist.

Once the watermelons reach their top speed, Gallagher will be allowed to step into the LHC.

Gallagher will be wearing protective gear, of course. Consisting of a white clean suit, goggles and a giant wooden mallet.

“He will then attempt to smash the oncoming watermelons, which will be whisking by him at nearly the speed of light,” said a physicist.

However some physicists predict that at that speed, Gallagher will no longer be the one doing the smashing.

“He’ll quickly go from a melon smasher to a melon smashee in a microsecond. Transforming from matter into energy right before our very own spectro-monitors,” one physicist cautioned.

Despite the doomsday forecast, however, Gallagher remains confident that he will be able to smash any watermelon at any speed without being converted into pure energy.

“After all his trusty ‘Sledge-O-Matic®’ has never let him down before,” said Gallagher’s publicist.

Meanwhile, inside the LHC, entombed within miles and miles of subterranean tunneling, Gallagher takes up his position with his giant wooden mallet in hand, as a watermelon light-speeds its way toward him.

…To Be Continued.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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CERN Finds the ‘Godfather’ Particle!!!

Paris, France –

“Actually, I found them,” said the Godfather particle. In a bone chilling sit down interview with physicists at the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire (CERN).

As the CERN physicists, still in their white lab coats, gathered around the Godfather particle in a laboratory near the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the elusive piece of subatomic matter and energy spoke freely and candidly with them.

“I heard you boys were looking for me,” said the Godfather particle from behind a dark oak desk wearing a black tuxedo suit, white shirt and black bow tie. Particles W and Z, his enforcers, were standing at his side.

“How did you know?” asked Stephen Hawking, the British theoretical physicist and mathematician by remote link on the World Wide Web.

“I hear things. I hear things,” replied the Godfather particle. “You see, it's not all void in the infinite recesses of inner space.”

“Yes, Godfather particle,” said a CERN physicist, stepping forward from the group of others to address the Godfather particle.

“So, I come here thinking you boys wants a little favor from me,” continued the Godfather particle as particle W leaned over to whisper something inaudible into his ear.

The Godfather particle just nodded and continued to speak to the physicists who now gathered in a tight circle to consult each other and Stephen Hawking.

“Well? I’m I right or am I right?” rhetorically asked the Godfather particle.

The same physicist as before stepped forward encouraged by the other physicists.

“Godfather particle,” nervously began the physicist. “We were wondering – and Stephen Hawking over there on the computer -- if you could answer a few unanswered questions regarding the Universe.”

“Sure. Go right ahead,” said the Godfather particle.

“Well, we were wondering,” the physicist continued. “Did the Universe really begin with a Big Bang?”

Turning to particle W, the Godfather particle said, “Hey, Winny. Did you hear that?”

“What’s that boss,” replied the hired muscle.

“The man in the white lab coat wants to know if the Universe really began with a Big Bang,” said the Godfather particle.

“Oh, yeah,” replied the thug.

“Why don’t you show him, Winny,” said the Godfather particle.

“Sure thing boss,” Winny replied as he pulled out a gun and shot the physicist dead.

“BANG!” said Winny while laughing. “Was that BIG enough for you?”

“Take a good look boys,” said the Godfather particle. “That’s what you get for asking me a stupid question. So I’d be very careful about your next one if I were you.”

The other physicists just looked on shocked. But still none of them made a move or showed any desire to leave the laboratory. None could leave their life’s work behind. None could leave their only chance to have their scientific questions about the Universe answered. Besides, they could not leave if they tried, as the only exit was guarded by particle Z.

“Now, any of you other boys got a better question for me?” asked the Godfather particle.

The physicists quickly consulted with each other again.

“What’s at the end of the Universe?” asked another physicist stepping forward, while nervously looking back at the others.

“A pair of concrete shoes,” quickly replied the Godfather particle.

“A pair of concrete shoes?” repeated the physicist in disbelief.

“Yeah, just for you,” said the Godfather particle. “Take ‘em out of here.”

“Now, any more stupid questions?” asked the Godfather particle.

Slowly another physicist emerged from the group timidly stepping forward to ask another question, as the first physicist was dragged away by particles W and Z.

“Yes, Godfather particle,” said a soft-spoken physicist, wearing a pair of black frame eyeglasses. “I have a question for you. It’s from Stephen Hawking over there on the Internet.”

“Well, what is it?” asked the Godfather particle.

The timid looking physicist then asked for permission to approach the Godfather particle. Due to the physicist’s soft-spookiness, the Godfather particle granted him permission.

“What’s at the bottom of a Black Hole?” barely whispered the physicist into the Godfather particle’s ear.

“What’s at the bottom of a Black Hole?” repeated the Godfather particle as the look of puzzlement on his face quickly changed to a look of surprise and horror as he realized the physicist was really an assassin in disguise. Sent by Stephen Hawking.

“YOU!” answered the soft-spoken physicist, as he removed his black framed eyeglasses, jabbing them into the eyeball socket of the Godfather particle.

“The Godfather particle is dead! The Godfather particle is dead!” said Stephen Hawking over the remote link. “Oh good. Now I don’t have to pay that $100 dollar bet I made.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Stephen Hawking Nudie Bar Nerd Joke #3

Q: What was the Wheelchair-bound World Famous British-born Theoretical Physicist and Mathematician, Stephen Hawking’s Reaction to a Barbarian of a Bartender Who Served Him Up a Can of WD-40. Instead of a Can of Foster's Beer?





A: Wait a Minute, Mate. Are You Sure That's Domestic? And Not Imported?

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Stephen Hawking Nudie Bar Nerd Joke #2

Q: What was the World Famous Theoretical Physicist/Mathematician, Stephen Hawking, Looking to Prove in the Nudie Bar?

A: G-String Theory.



Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Stephen Hawking Nudie Bar Nerd Joke #1

Q: What Type of Erotic Dance Did the World Famous Theoretical Physicist/Mathematician, Stephen Hawking, Ask for at the Nudie Bar?

A: Laptop Dance.


Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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wpclipart.com

Cell Phone Time-Traveler Mystery Solved by MIT: Dr. Who’s Cross Dressing/Drag Queen Secret Exposed!

"When you at?"

Hollywood, California --

The mystery of the lady in the black and white footage from the 1928 movie premiere of Charlie Chaplin’s The Circus, who appears to be talking on a cell phone that was posted on YouTube by George Clarke, has apparently been solved, at least to the satisfaction of a group of students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT).

A small enclave of undergraduate student at the university known worldwide for its accomplishments in the fields of science and technology subjected the grainy images to a battery of tests. Including an atomic spectrographic meter that measures the amount of radiation an item is giving off, even in a photograph or film.

“It’s much like the way we measure the amount of radiation from a distant star,” said James P. Macarthur, one of the MIT students closely involved in the testing, majoring in quantum mechanics with a minor in mythology.

Of course, James and his fellow students had to make some negligible adjustments to the device as they were analyzing a digital rather than an analogue image.

“But still, it yielded the expected results, which confirmed our collective hypothesis,” said James.

After careful scientific scrutiny, the students came to a starling conclusion:

“It’s undeniable,” announced James on YouTube. “The radioactive readings from the flux capacitor located in the cell phone’s micro processor chip were off the scale, generating a quantum wave signature consistent with a device that is able to traverse the continuum and anyone holding it close to their ear at the time.”

In laymen’s terms, the lady in the Charlie Chaplin footage from 1928 is (or was) a time traveler at the time the film was shot.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot,” added James. “The lady in the grainy black and white film that’s talking on a cell phone, she’s no lady. She’s a dude.”

James went on to claim that only three persons in the known universe that are capable of time travel.

“I don’t know about you, but my time traveler list is a short one,” said James. “And they are: Dr. Who, ‘Q’ from Star Trek -- The Next Generation, and theoretical physicist and mathematician, Professor Stephen Hawking. All dudes.”

James concludes that since all time travelers are male that the lady on the cell phone must be someone on his short list, dressed in drag.

“Now, I wouldn’t rule out Professor Stephen Hawking as the cross dressing time traveler just because he’s confined to a wheelchair,” said James. “After all, he is British, you know. And we all know how much British men like dressing up like women from watching episodes of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.”

And since Dr. Who is British too, James logically deduced that, that makes him the leading candidate as the cross dressing time traveler in the grainy footage from 1928.

“You have to take into account that we are dealing with the future here,” James continued. “It makes sense that Dr. Who would have upgraded from using blue telephone police exchanges to travel through time, opting to use a handheld device instead. Just think of the convenience.”

As for the reason why Dr. Who resorted to becoming the first-time traveling cross dressing/drag queen, James would not speculate, except to say:

“Perhaps that’s the only place he could find shelter from our judgmental society,” said James. “Or perhaps, he took comfort in the style and sensibility of handcrafted, high ankle support women’s shoes that the early Twentieth Century provided.”

At first, James ruled out any possibility of “Q” being the cross dressing time traveler because “Q’ is a part of the Continuum, but later he reconsidered.

“He is ‘Q’. He doesn’t need a cell phone to travel through time,” said James. “He just snaps his fingers and he’s there. And by there, I mean anywhere, anytime…Unless ‘Q’ was in disguise as a woman, which he is known to do from time to time, fooling Captain Jean-Luc Picard…I’ll have to present that dilemma to the Think Tank when we reconvene next week. I’ll get back you on that. Okay?”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo