Will Failed to Release Handbrake; Kate Activated Car Ejection Seat, Launching Herself into Wild Blue Yonder

London, England –

It was disclosed today about the royal family that Duke William was so nervous on his wedding day that when he drove away from Buckingham Palace with Duchess Catherine in his father’s prized Aston Martin with the top down, he did so with the handbrake still up. Well, that was not the only automotive mishap made that day.

“The car is especially equipped with an array of both defensive and offensive security accoutrements,” explained, Jonathan Burke, a former security consultant to the royal family. “And though I am not at liberty to disclose their particular nature, I am authorized to say they are not standard in factory rollout models.”

Later, while driving along in the English countryside, Kate was so excited she began to jump up and down, dancing in her car seat. And while reaching to turn up the car radio, she accidentally activated one of those security accoutrements.

“She pressed the bloody ejection button,” Will allegedly told friends. “Good thing the car top was down, though.”

That is when the Duke’s military training as a helicopter pilot came in handy as he quickly calculated the trajectory of his new bride, maneuvering the Aston Martin underneath her to ensure her a soft landing.

“She was headed due south as the raven flies when I caught up with her,” William explained.

Once the Duchess was safely returned to her car seat, she hugged and kissed the Duke, thanking him profusely for saving her life.

“Promise me our marriage will always be this exciting,” the Duchess reportedly said to her Duke.

“I promise,” William allegedly replied, hugging and kissing Kate right back. And then admonished, “Now, before we get to the Tower of London, I must warn you. There are certain items you ought not to touch.”

“Hold on, love,” said Kate as she reached for the car radio to turn it down. “I can’t hear youuuu!!!”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Duke William Files for Name Change: 'The Duke (Formally Known as Prince) William'

London, England --

According to those close to the royal family, Prince William rather heavily lobbied the Queen Elizabeth II of England, his grandmother, to retain his title: Prince of Wales so that his then fiancée, Catharine, could continued to be referred to as Princess.

However, the Queen declined the request and without stating a reason why, bestowed the titles of Duke William and Duchess Catharine of Cambridge on the recently wed couple instead.

Perhaps as a sign of rebellion, the newly appointed Duke and Duchess jumped into their convertible, an Aston Martin. And with the top down, drove off the grounds of Buckingham Palace, headed straight for the nearest Barrister to get his former title legally restored.

"They make such a lovely couple," said the Barrister that heard the royal case. "But I told him my order to grant his name change is tentative at best. Likely to be overruled by the Queen herself when she gets wind of it."

Until then, however, Duke William won the right to be legally addressed as, "The Duke (Formally Known as Prince) William".

"It was the best I could do," explained the Barrister, who later confessed off the record that he confided with the Queen. Secretly getting her approval on the temporary name change in advance of his ruling.

"It will take time for Great Britain, Northern Ireland and the Common Wealth to get adjusted to the name change," continued the Barrister back on the record. "So I advised them that it would be wise to present the court ordered name change where ever they go. So that way they avoid any ‘imperial entanglements’. They really do make a lovely couple."

"It’s a good thing they had that piece of paper with them," said a royal footman in service at Buckingham Palace, who was among the first to be presented the legal document. "I almost slipped up and called him Duke William."

However, "The Duke (Formally Known as Prince) William" flashed the piece of paper to the footman, saving them both embarrassment of a social faux pas of a royal magnitude.

"He saved my neck. That he did. That he did. Figuratively speaking, of course," said the footman. "I mean they stopped doing that sort of stuff around here centuries ago. Didn’t they? Oh my God! The maid, she forgot to curtsy. That’s’ it. She’s done in for sure! Sure as Bob’s your uncle."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Prince William Fined £10 for Kissing Kate Twice, Excessive Public Display of Affection?

London, England --

Right after Duke (formally known as Prince) William and Duchess Kate of Cambridge left the balcony at Buckingham Palace, a Bobby issued him a ticket for excessive public display of affection.

"What’s this for?" asked Duke William as he was handed the ticket.

"It’s a fine, my lord," replied the Bobby as he politely tipped his hat to the Duchess, Kate.

"Right," said Duke William. "But what’s it for?"

"Excessive public display of affection, sir," said the Bobby, as William’s fellow airforce comrades surrounded him.

"What excessive public display of affection?" asked the Duke, beginning to lose his patience.

"Just now," said the Bobby. "Out there on the balcony. When you kissed the wife twice on the lips, sir."

William's military buddies tightened their circle around the Bobby.

"Listen here," said William as he nodded to his friends. "Why don’t we discuss this in private, eh?"

"Well, that’s really not necessary, sir," nervously said the Bobby as he was dragged off by William’s buddies.

"Put him in the drawing room!" shouted Duke William. "I’ll be there momentarily. I’ll be damned if I let anyone get away with fining me for kissing my wife twice."

"What’s going on, Dukey?" asked a concerned Kate.

William then turned to his beautiful bride and kissed her again, right on the lips.

"Nothing, my love," said William as he ran off to the drawing room, removing his blue sash and red jacket along the way. "Duty calls!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Obama to Trump: "You’re Fired! Not Me!"

Washington, D.C. --

Despite not mentioning Donald Trump by name during the press conference, which he broached the subject of his long form birth certificate by finally releasing it, President Obama inadvertently let be known his true feelings regarding the real estate mogul turned Reality TV show host. When he was overheard speaking to himself beneath his breath, while making a fist pump gesture: "You’re fired!Not me!"

"Apparently an open microphone picked up the president’s voice as he was walking away from the podium," said a White House spokesman. "However, that doesn’t necessarily prove those remarks were directed to Mr. Trump."

The White House spokesman then offered up a number of plausible scenarios in which the president’s comments could be alternatively interpreted.

"For instance," continued the spokesman for the White House. "He could have been addressing his ‘You’re fired! Not me!’ comment to any number of his economic advisors, his Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, or that guy [Rahm Emmanul] who told him it was a good idea to accept the Nobel Peace Prize."

The White House spokesman then provided the press pool a list of international names, which the president could have been addressing instead of Donald Trump.

"President Obama could have been directing his comments at Col. Qaddafi of Libya, President Bashar al-Assad of Syria," concluded the White House spokesman. "Or even, Queen Elisabeth of England for losing the first family’s invitation to the wedding of the century."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.