Sesame Street, New York --“You call yourself a vampire?” asked “The Count” from ‘Sesame Street’ as he busted into Robert Pattinson’s dressing room trailer on the set of the latest installment of the ‘Twilight’ saga, ‘Eclipse’.
“What? Who are you?” rudely replied an alarmed Robert Pattinson as he sat up in his makeup chair, recoiling his legs from the floor as he took notice of a 3-foot Muppet vampire. ”What are you doing here? Security!”
As “The Count” circled Robert Pattinson, he pulled out from the breast pocket of his vest a handwritten letter of introduction form the director of the new movie.
As Robert Pattinson read the letter that instructed him to cooperate fully with the “pint-sized” vampire, “The Count” wasted no time in foraging about the dressing room trailer looking for the items he needed to transform “Edward” into a real looking vampire like himself.
“You didn’t answer my question,” said “The Count”.
“Well, actually no,” replied a now polite Pattinson as he attempted to fold up the letter and place it in his jeans, before “The Count” snatched it away from him with superhuman lightning fast reflexes. “I’m not really a vampire, you see. I just play one on the silver screen. I’m actually an actor. A proper British actor.”
“You need a widow’s peak,” replied “The Count” as he rifled through the dresser.
“What? Why?” said Pattinson as he rushed the dresser to check his look in the mirror.
“Because in ‘New Moon’, with your bushy eyebrows, a number of your loyalist fans complained that they couldn’t tell you apart from the werewolves,” replied “The Count” as he pulled out a Sharpie permanent marker he found. “Ah, this should do the trick!”
Before Pattinson could object, “The Count” was on top of him, drawing a black inverted triangular shape on his forehead.
“There!” said “The Count” as he placed the cap back onto the Sharpie, stepping back to admire his work. “Now you look more like me, a real vampire. Now for a cloak.”
“Listen,” said Pattinson as he moistened his forefinger, trying to rub off the black ink widow’s peak from his hairline. “I don’t want to look like you, or a real vampire for that matter. I have my own interpretation -- ”
“If that’s your interpretation of a vampire,” interrupted the “The Count” “Then it has been lost in translation.”
Opening up an old trunk that most have been left over from the vaudevillian days, “The Count” pulled out a canister of white pancake powder makeup, fangs, a black cloak and red diplomatic looking red sash with jewel encrusted insignia.
Quickly “The Count” threw the garments, accessories and white powder makeup onto Rob Pattinson.
The transformation was so stunning that both were taken aback by the visionary splendor.
“I can’t believe it,” said Rob Pattinson as he admired his reflection in the mirror, twirling about the dressing room trailer. Catching the air under his cloak, making it flow beneath him. “I look fantastic.”
“Not quite,” said the “The Count” as he removed his monocle, reaching up to place it over Rob Pattinson’s right eye.
“You competed me,” said Rob Pattinson as he began to tear up.
“No,” said “The Count” reaching out with one white-gloved finger, touching Rob Pattnson’s ice-cold purple lips. “Don’t cry. You’ll fog up your monocle.”
“How could I have known?” said Rob Pattinson as he continued to twirl about the room. “How can I ever hope to repay you?”
But as Rob Pattinson slowly stopped twirling, he noticed he was alone in his dressing room trailer again.
Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Rob noticed a Rose water scented business card in the foreground and picked it up.
“I thought it was all dream,” Rob softly spoke to himself as he raised the card to his nose, breathing in deeply its fragrant scent. Then turning it over, he noticed some writing on the back of it.
“Rob,” read the card. “Just don’t go out there and pretend to be a vampire. Be the vampire you were meant to be. And remember, I’m counting on you.”
After stuffing the card into the breast pocket of his vest, just like “The Count”, Rob Pattinson finally responded to the knocking at his trailer door.
“Are you ready, Rob?” asked the director. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine…now,” replied Rob. “Be right there.”
A resolved Rob Pattinson rose up out of his make up chair a new man, and as he walked over to the trailer door, flung it wide open, he recalled the words of his friend, “The Count”: ‘Be the vampire you were meant to be.”
“Say,” said the director as he admired Rob Pattinson’s new look. “Looks like that vampire makeover by 'The Count' was worth it.”
Stepping out into the sunshine, Rob Pattinson suddenly yelled out: “It burns! It burns! The sun burns!”
Still hissing, Rob Pattinson covered his face with his cloak, before retreating back inside his trailer and into the old vaudevillian trunk.
“I hate working with method actors,” mumbled the director to himself, as he placed a speed dial call on his cell phone to “The Count”. “Come on, Rob. Kristen is waiting…I got some sun block?”
Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo
