Florida Straw Poll Explained: Herman Cain Mistaken for John McCain

South Beach, Florida –

“Who?” asked Mrs. Beatrice Bernstine, 83, into her phone to a straw poll conducted by the Republican Party in Florida. “Did you say, McCain?”

“No, ma’am,” answered Todd Hogan, a pollster for the GOP. “I said, ‘Cain.”

“Who?” again repeated, Mrs. Bernstine.

“Cain,” replied Mr. Hogan before losing his cool. “Cain!!! Cain!!! Cain!!!”

A long pause came from the other end of Mr. Hogan’s telephone line.

Mr. Hogan's guilt for yelling at an old lady, as well as concern for her well being, quickly replaced his frustration and anger.

“Maybe I scared the old gal to death,” the pollster thought to himself.

Finally, the silence was broken.

“McCain?” again repeated, Mrs. Bernstine.

“Whatever,” said Mr. Hogan as he slammed down the phone.

“Yes,” replied Mrs. Bernstine to a dial tone. “I’d vote for McCain.”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Occupy Wall Street Joined by Crazy Old Lady Who Accused Obama of Being a Muslim

New York, New York --

Fox News has located that crazy old lady who accused Obama of being a Muslim at a John McCain’s presidential rally back in 2008. Now she is at the Occupy Wall Street protest.

“If you do not remember who she is,” said the Fox News reporter, refreshing the memory of the viewing audience. “Then maybe you’ll recall that SNL Weekend Update episode with a mumbling, bumbling old lady walking on and off the set. And between the TV cameras wearing a McCain/Palin 2008 T-shirt. Well, that caricature was based on her.”

Since her first controversial appearance on TV three years ago, however, Bertha Whitehead, 79, has kept herself busy by becoming a full-fledged member of the ultra conservative Tea Party.

“Do you still think Obama is a Muslim?” asked the Fox News reporter with tongue-in-cheek.

“No,” replied the crazy old lady. “I know he is.”

“Why have you joined Occupy Wall Street today?” asked the Fox reporter, winking into the camera. “After all, it doesn’t seem like you would have anything in common with these people.”

“Because,” replied the crazy old lady. “Wall Street has been taken over by Muslims.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

McCain Promises to Find a Cure for "Plumber's Butt Crack" by Lifting Ban on Fetal Stem Cell Research

*Washington, D.C. -- Proving once again that he agrees with Bush only ninety percent of the time, McCain broke out of Bush's Corral on his Texas ranch and like a wild jackass that ate loco weed, bucking and hee-hawing before falling off a cliff, he headed for Capital Hill to announce his latest policy position reversal.

"If I am elected your president," said McCain as he stood at a podium before members of the media he called to make a special announcement. "I will sign an executive order lifting the ban against fetal stem cell research for the specific purpose of finding a cure for 'Plumber's Butt Crack'. For those unfamiliar with this disease, my fellow Americans 'Plumber's Butt Crack' is a horrible affliction that plagues my friend and future Secretary of State 'Joe the Plumber' and many of those of his chosen profession."

"If McCain is willing to do that for me," said a plumber that heads up a support group. "Then he has my vote because I and many of my brothers have had to endure on the job the harassment, even been driven to tears."

Many plumbers say the worst hazing surprisingly comes from other fellow male construction workers.

"They just don't give out cat calls to pretty girls passing by a worksite," said a plumber who asked not to be identified, fearing reprisals. "Just try laying down some pipe while someone is throwing quarters down the slit of your butt cheeks. It robs you of your dignity. Your manhood."

According to McCain, 'Plumber's Butt Crack' and plumbers' dignity is just a single fetal stem cell cure away.

"Of course, from what I understand about fetal stem cells," said McCain. "We would have to find the stem cell of a plumber's aborted fetus and taking a DNA sample of someone with a tight ass. Like say, oh, I don't know, maybe Sarah Palin. Then mixing them together in a blender, we would eradicate an unwanted disease from the working-class and create one first-class executive ass."

The genetic result would eliminate 'Plumber's Butt Crack' forever, says McCain.

"And more importantly, it will give every American a crack at a nice piece of ass. Just like the one on my future mate -- Ah, I meant running mate," said McCain.

*Large Type Courtesy of Senior Citizens for Sarah 2012.

Copyright© 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo