LHC at CERN Converted into Gallagher’s ‘Sledge-O-Matic’® Watermelon-Smashing Machine

Paris, France –

American prop comedian Gallagher, best known for his trademarked watermelon-smashing act, has been invited to the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire (CERN) to smash melons at an accelerated rate of velocity, many reaching nearly that of the speed of light.

“Now that we’ve found the so-called 'God Particle', we’re pretty much wrapping things up here,” said a CERN physicist. “After all, we never really expected to find it -- I mean find it so soon.”

CERN physicists say they know of no one else on the planet that enjoys smashing things more than they do other than Gallagher and thus the reason why they invited him to their facility.

Ever since CERN physicists found the God particle, however, they have been sitting around, burning through their grant money, running lower priority experiments. Such as using the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to dry their laundry, cracking walnuts and bust open a few piñatas for the kids in the neighborhood.

So physicists thought to themselves, “Why not invite Gallagher to throw a few melons around, except really, really fast?”

Inside the LHC, the watermelons will be accelerated to incredible speeds.

“Gallagher will be inside the LHC too,” said a physicist.

Once the watermelons reach their top speed, Gallagher will be allowed to step into the LHC.

Gallagher will be wearing protective gear, of course. Consisting of a white clean suit, goggles and a giant wooden mallet.

“He will then attempt to smash the oncoming watermelons, which will be whisking by him at nearly the speed of light,” said a physicist.

However some physicists predict that at that speed, Gallagher will no longer be the one doing the smashing.

“He’ll quickly go from a melon smasher to a melon smashee in a microsecond. Transforming from matter into energy right before our very own spectro-monitors,” one physicist cautioned.

Despite the doomsday forecast, however, Gallagher remains confident that he will be able to smash any watermelon at any speed without being converted into pure energy.

“After all his trusty ‘Sledge-O-Matic®’ has never let him down before,” said Gallagher’s publicist.

Meanwhile, inside the LHC, entombed within miles and miles of subterranean tunneling, Gallagher takes up his position with his giant wooden mallet in hand, as a watermelon light-speeds its way toward him.

…To Be Continued.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Andy Kaufman’s ‘Man on the Moon’ Mummified Remains Surface at Gallagher’s Garage Sale

Agoura Hills, California --

Shortly after the melon-smashing, comedy prop oriented comedian, Gallagher, announced that he was having a garage sale, selling off his ingenious devices to raise money to pay his mortgage, a human body was discovered in what everybody thought was a faux coffin. Which ended up containing what police believe are the very real mummified remains of the 1980s performance art sensation, much misunderstood and some consider still living to this very day (only on hiatus), the one and only, Andy Kaufman.

"We’re still awaiting dental records to confirm the id of the remains," said police. "However, judging from the diver’s license, credit cards and Members Only jacket found on the body, there is little doubt the deceased is Andy Kaufman."

According to the pre-arranged performance art sight gag, Andy Kaufman was to arise from the dead like no other before him had done. Not even, the great Harry Houdini.

Only Andy Kaufman’s Christ-like resurrection was scheduled to take place the day after his famous funeral. Not on the 10th year anniversary of his death as popularly believed, fueled by urban legend and perpetuated in pop culture like in the song Man on the Moon and years later the movie of the same name. However, things went eerily awry.

"It seems things went wrong from the very beginning, though no one knew it at the time," said police.

Oddly enough, not even among the principal players themselves.

"I vaguely remember Andy saying something about doing a disappearing act," Gallagher reportedly said in the police interview. "Honestly, I didn’t know he was planing to fake his own death."

According to a sworn statement sign by Gallagher, the night before the burial, Andy Kaufman approached him backstage at a stand up comedy club in New York City, asking him if he would assist him in pulling off the greatest hoax ever.

"Gallagher admitted he had a few drinks in him that night," read the police report.

Gallagher quickly agreed and picked up Andy Kaufman still in his coffin from the funeral home.

"Switching caskets, Gallagher then arranged to transport Andy Kaufman by airplane to his home in California," said police. "He then smuggled the still living encased Andy Kaufman past customs."

Back at home, Gallagher then set aside the stainless steel reinforced coffin against a refrigerator and open window in his garage, went to bed and forgot about the entire incident until now.

Trapped among the flotsam and jetsam of a seemingly endless empire of comedy props, Andy Kaufman lived among a tottery of giant novelty wood mallets, fake melons and red clown noses all these years.

"Oh the irony," said a friend of the Kaufman family. "Poor Andy, as a performance artist it must have been a living hell for him."

After receiving a phone call from a concerned bargain basement hunter, police found Andy Kaufman’s coffin wedged up against a vertical refrigerator and an open window in Gallagher’s garage, right where had left it approximately 27-years earlier.

"The open window must have allowed the deceased to draw oxygen into his coffin," said police.

One of Gallagher’s crazy straw helmet-head refreshment props was found on the skull of what is thought to be Andy Kaufman’s remains as well.

"The deceased must have used the rubber tubing from the novelty hat to draw in air and substance from the refrigerator," said police. "As well as dispose of his waste, too."

Although authorities have not ruled out foul play, no charges have been preferred against anyone either.

"Although the investigation is ongoing and the situation could change, pending developments," said police. "We are not charging or detaining Mr. Gallagher at this time. Nor is he considered a suspect or person of interest. Except of course when he’s on stage smashing melons or other vegetables related to the squash family."

Later the case took an even odder turn when police were notified by the coroner’s office that they misplaced the alleged remains of Andy Kaufman before they could establish a positive identity.

"I don’t get it," said a spokesman for the coroner’s office. "We had the remains toe tagged and laying on a gurney out in the hallway and everything. Now he’s gone? It’s not like he could just get up and walk away, could he?"

"Well, I guess we’re back to square one," said a police officer seated at a local roadside eatery to a seemingly disinterested diner seating next to him. "We’re all forced to hopelessly continue speculating on Andy Kaufman’s death…or life. Can you imagine that?"

"No, I can’t," replied the potbellied patron wearing a powder blue polyester Las Vegas lounge singer suit. Sporting a bushy mustache, dark sunglasses and ruffled shirtsleeves from the 1970s. "And neither should you. It’s all bullshit! No man can return from the dead! Don’t be ridiculous!"

The man in the powder blue Las Vegas lounge singer suit then pushed himself away from the restaurant counter. Slowly rising, he walked away.

Standing at the front door of the restaurant, the vulgar looking man paused to look back at the police officer, as he exited the diner with a man he came in with earlier -- A man wearing sandals, dressed in a hooded shroud and carrying a wooden box filled with carpenter’s tools.

Looking back the potbelly man then said to the policeman, "However, a god can. Now I gotta go you ass[BLEEP]! I’ll see you in the [BLEEP] funny papers! Yeah, funny papers."

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Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.