Washington, D.C. –Apparently, as a small child, Mitt Romney had trouble making friends. “Oh, he had friends alright,” said Mitt’s grandfather, Joshua Romney, 99. “The trouble was, only he could see them. Because they were invisible.”
Concerned for the social development of their child, Mitt’s parents would drop him off at a McDonald’s restaurant to play with children there.
“But it wasn’t too long before the manager caught on to what they were doing,” continued Joshua Romney. “He even threatened to call the police, if they didn’t stop.”
Mitt Romney’s parents then made an arrangement with the manager that allowed them to continue, however.
“The manager agreed,” said Joshua Romney. “But they would have to rent the Ronald McDonald clown for the hours Mitt was there.”
Mitt and Ronald became close friends.
The young impressionable boy bonding with the iconic corporate marketing tool.
“Pretty soon, Mitt went there just to talk to Ronald,” said Joshua Romney.
One day, Ronald caught Mitt crying.
“What’s wrong, Mitt?” Ronald asked. “Did some kids bury you in the ball pit again?”
“No,” said Mitt, wiping away tears.
“What then?” Ronald asked again.
“You,” said Mitt.
“Me?” replied Ronald, somewhat shocked. “What do you mean, me?”
“One day you’re gonna leave me,” said Mitt.
“You mean, like your invisible friends?” said Ronald.
"No,” said Mitt. “I mean, like you die.”
“Oh,” replied Ronald.
Ronald sat Mitt down at a table, ordering him some fries and a shake.
“Your parents are reimbursing me for this, right?” Ronald yelled back to Mitt as he stood at the counter, paying for the order.
Mitt nodded yes.
“Listen kid,” said Ronald as he sat down with Mitt's order. “You have grandparents, right? I mean they’re still living, right?”
Mitt nodded yes as he took to the fries and shake.
“Well, one day they’re gonna die,” said Ronald.
Mitt paused a moment.
“What about you?” asked Mitt. “Won’t you die too, one day?”
“No,” said Ronald.
“Why not?” asked Mitt, sucking on his straw.
“Because I’m incorporated,” replied Ronald.
“Incorporated?” Mitt replied.
“Incorporated!” repeated Ronald.
Mitt looked confused.
“Listen, kid,” said Ronald, seeing he was having trouble getting through. “What’s my name?”
“Ronald,” replied Mitt.
“Nope,” said Ronald. “What’s my real name?”
“I…I don’t know,” said Mitt. “What is your real name?”
“I can’t tell you,” said Ronald. “You know why, kid?
Mitt shook his head no.
“Because if I told you my real name,” continued Ronald. “I’d get fired.”
“So you will leave me, one day,” said Mitt with his head down.
“No I won’t,” said Ronald. “Because even if I get fired, quit or even die, I’ll be right back here. Or somebody dressed up like me.”
Suddenly, it was as if a light shined on Mitt’s face.
“I get it,” said Mitt. “Corporations are people too. Except they don’t leave you because they can never die.”
Eventually, Ronald did leave Mitt, however. As he was fired for damaging company equipment when he permanently disfigured his hand, while trying to fetch his car keys out of a deep fryer. Though Mitt hardly even noticed Ronald’s absence.
“Not even when Ronald waved good-bye to him from the back of the ambulance with his bandaged hand,” said Joshua Romney.
Mitt just shrugged his shoulders as kids buried him in the ball pit.
“You see, he knew that his friend Ronald would be back,” explained Joshua Romney.
The very next day a new Ronald showed up.
“Mitt ran up to him to take his hand,” said Joshua Romney.
But he paused a moment before doing so.
“Say,” said Mitt, staring at the new Ronald’s uninjured hands. “Didn’t you, um…never mind.”
Over the years, there would be many more new Ronald McDonalds that would come in and go out of Mitt’s life. Molding it and shaping it along the way.
“But thanks to people like the McDonalds corporation and others like them,” said Joshua Romney. “He never knew the difference. And still doesn’t.”
Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
